Thursday, March 3, 2011

Alpha Neighbor part deuce

So, this morning while getting the kids ready for school, I got a text message from Mr. Ashley that said, "I took care of the Dog Whisperer."

This sounded ominous. Wondering if I was about to find a pile of bodies at the foot of the driveway, I decided the kids could be late if need be and called him back right away.

I guess as he was getting in the car for work she popped up and said, "Oh, hi! How are you? I was hoping you could help me straighten something out. I, uh, left something in your yard and I think your wife picked it up. I just--well, uh, when I walk my dogs, and they defecate, um, I put it in the bag and then I fling it across the street. I think your wife picked up the bag and she doesn't have to do that. I don't want her doing that."

"....she doesn't like poop in the yard."

"Well, yeah, but I'm coming back for it. I was going to pick it up."

"Yeah. She doesn't like poop in the yard."

"Well, she doesn't have to pick up the bag. Don't you guys have dogs?"


"I mean, I'm coming right back for it."

"She doesn't like poop in the yard."

At this point she looked completely perplexed and clearly thought I was the unreasonable one, even though she's the one admittedly FLINGING SHIT ACROSS OUR STREET INTO MY YARD. My god. To even use the words "defecate" and "fling" in the same sentence, you're instantly wrong. There is nothing right about that.

"Oh. Okaaaaay. Well....have a good day." And that was that. So I guess maybe it's over but now we're both confused and annoyed with each other.

And you know what? If on our first encounter she had smiled sheepishly and said, "Mind if I leave this here for 2 minutes while I finish walking around the block? I promise I'll pick it up!" I probably would have thought it was a weird request, but would have most likely laughed and said, "Oh, sure. No problem!" and meant it. It's the presumptuousness of flinging crap into someone's yard that I'm not okay with.

I also now see why she appeared to be walking back up my driveway to deliver the poop the first time--she must not have had the balls to fling it while I was watching and walked it across the street to my house. Freak.

This better conclude all poop-throwing stories. If I ever find poop in a bag in my yard again, I'm going to beat her about the head with it.


Anonymous said...

I think I would start stockpiling the bags, and when I had enough I'd set them out on her front lawn, spelling out CUT OUT THE CRAP. --Sue in MA

Anonymous said...

Bitches be crazy. And this bitch is also incredibly dominant - after telling her not to do this, she does it and then has to come and explain it? Nope, sorry, I don't think this is the last you'll have to deal with her.

nova said...

You should start calling it 'vandalism' and threaten to call the cops. You know, really up the drama quotient. For kicks.

The Mermaid Cottage said...

I'm still totally confused why she feels she has to temporarily store dog poop in a bag in anybody's yard. Why doesn't she just carry the bag with her while she finishes her walk and deposit it in the garbage AT HOME!!!!! She thinks you're weird????? WTH?????

Meghan said...

Holy dog shit, Batman!

Jennifer said...

this doesn't explain or settle anything. There is still just no reason for setting/storing/flinging poop into someone else's yard. I do not understand why she cannot carry the bag of shit.

Shawn "the girl" said...

It's not much of a consolation, but at least she is bagging it. My neighbors, who aren't even part of our little condo-community, walk their dogs in OUR GRASS and don't pick it up. Our kids play there, they SEE this, and yet, they leave these HUGE turds.

I hate people... well, most people.

Stephanie said...

While I agree that the crap flinger is totally nuts, I kind of agree with Shawn "the girl." At least she's bagging it. Our neighbor lets their dog out without a leash and lets it crap all over our yard without cleaning it up. After several confrontations (ending in them cussing us out) we called the police who fined them - they still do it. We now shovel the crap and leave it in a pile next to their driveway.

Florida Native Mom said...

Give the woman a break. I foster dogs from time to time and when one does his business at the beginning of the walk, I will sometimes bag it and leave it at the curb to pick up on the way back by and not have to carry it the entire time. Not in the middle of someone's yard, but on the curb.

Deb said...

I love your husband. He handles unreasonably stupid people the same way I do! If you just keep repeating the same thing over and over to them and don't argue with them, they completely drop out of the fight. (It works when you're negotiating a car price or salary, too.) I predict Freaky Alpha Neighbor is going to back down on this one.

Unknown said...

Nativemom, she leaves it about 5 feet into my yard in the grass (above the sidewalk). Every time. I'd almost rather she just bag the poop up on her walk back because a white plastic bag in my grass makes it look like I leave trash in my yard and poop would blend in.

Also, I think you should carry the bag. I hate carrying the poop bag as well (I have a German Shepherd!) It's just part of the deal.

Tara said...

Perhaps Native Mom is the alpha pooper!

Meghan said...

Is it wrong to drop your bagged poop into a trash can in the back alley on your walk?

I am guilty of this, but maybe I should stop. Now, I feel bad that I do this.

we are in an old neighbourhood with back alleys that people can have trash cans always out.
You have become my Emily Post of dog poo.


Unknown said...

LOL at Emily Post of dog poo. That's quite the fitting title. I think putting it in the trash is fine--if my bin was out, I'd rather her put it there than in my grass and wouldn't mind at all if she did.

So I vote that you're good, especially if no one sees you. ;-)

AnastasiaBeaverhousen said...

I am slightly disturbed by the amount of joy I get out of the poop posts.....but in my twisted head, Alpha Neighbor is dressed as a ninja and swings the poo around and around over her head before launching it across the street to your lawn, all the while chanted Namaste' or something. Now Mr. Ashley went and took care of her, I will no longer be amused by poo posts. Poop :(