Sharp Dressed Man

Here is little kid in around-the-house attire:Note the batting gloves and curtain rod. That is paint on his face, but don't worry, he PROMISED me that he had never, ever removed the brush from the paper. The paint smeared across his forehead was from an unexpected and isolated splash of paint, and was not his fault. Nothing ever is.

Here's his out-on-the-town look:

He's not allowed to take the curtain rod out of the house, and lately I've been restricting the boots and gloves since it is so hot. He switches the boots out with black Converse with flames on them and still fights to wear his corduroy pants or jeans in 90 degree weather. I request that he wear flip flops or Crocs so I don't have to tie laces, but he resists as often as possible.

"It's too hot, little kid!" I protest.

"But I'z your sharp-dressed man, mumum! Dis is what I wears!" he answers, making me regret ever affectionately calling him that.

He does get a lot of attention dressed this way.

Probably mostly from people wondering why I would dress him in boots, pants and gloves during a Florida Summer.

Girls Night

Girls Night Out was totally fun.

We had a nice Italian dinner. The food was great, but it was one of those open air, fancy-schmancy sort of places that's missing its front wall so that everyone can walk by and see the good looking people inside. It had just finished raining so it was as hot and humid as hell itself. I was wearing a small dress and had moisturized very well beforehand, so I felt totally sweaty and slick (in a bad way) the whole time. Damn Florida humidity, wrecking hair, makeup and lives on a daily basis.

I was relieved when the single lady of our group suggested the next location and was grateful that it had 4 walls, doors and cold air. It was the sort of place where the lighting scheme changes every minute as the dorky DJ relives the glory years he missed out on in high school and the patrons all stand awkwardly around the bar thinking they are hot stuff.

So there we were, shouting over a remix of "I Wear My Sunglasses at Night" as our faces switched from red to green to blue to silvery-white, having fun people-watching and laughing from our big round booth, when the inevitable sleaze bag made his move. "Imma buy all you ladies shots," he said, flashing his fake diamond watch with the fake leather band.

"Dude, save your money. We're old. We're waiting for coffee," I replied, wishing very much that it was the sort of place that served coffee.

"No one's ever said that to me. Y'all don't look old," Sleazy McCheesy said, sliding into the booth. "Whatchoo all doin' after?"

"Going home to our husbands."

"Imma write my number on your hand. You'll be callin' me later," he said, reaching for my arm and pulling out a pen.

"No, sir! You most certainly will not be writing anything anywhere on me. For real."

"Aww, shit. Well, Imma write it on this napkin. Don't lose it!" We rolled our eyes at each other and laughed as he scribbled it down and danced away. My friend pulled the napkin in front of her and wrote GROSS!! under his number and got up to use the restroom.

A few minutes later, he comes dancing back over and spots the napkin. "What?! Did you write that under my number? What the fuck, ladies?" We laughed.

"I like your watch," Girl Crush offered.

"Oh yeah, you like that, don'tcha?" He flashed his ridiculous bling and lifted his shirt so we could see his abs.

"Did you get it at Best of Everything? That accessory store downtown?"

"Bitch, please. You know this shit be real." At this point we were cracking up and his friends at the next booth were howling with laughter and snapping pictures with their iphones. The manager walked over and asked if everything was all right, escorting him back to his own area before we could even calm down long enough to answer.

I did tell Girl Crush about the discussion our sons had about her husband shaving his butt--we laughed until we couldn't breathe over that one and then text messaged her husband to share the embarrassment. At one drunken point in the evening, we even had a long conversation about her amazing boobs.

It was 100% fun with no awkwardness at all! Instant friendship, just add alcohol. The Summer of Socialness may end up being more enjoyable than I had thought.

Idolizing George

"What's that?" Big Kid asked, during one of his sessions of openly spying on me while I'm online.

"Mayan ruins in Belize. They are thousands of years old."

"I bet they were built before God was born!"

"No, not before God."

"Doh! I mean George Washington. I always get them mixed-up."

Sigh.

I'm sorry, God.

Rest in Pieces

"My wook fwiends and me are gonna hunt dinosaurs when we grows up and shoot 'em wif guns," little kid told me.

"Dinosaurs are extinct, remember? They aren't alive anymore. You could search for their bones, be a dinosaur scientist."

"No! Some are alive, we's gettin' those," he insisted.

"No, not really, hon. Every single dinosaur died. There are no more dinosaurs."

He thought about that for a moment. "So, are theys in Heaven with God now?"

"Uh--maybe? Not sure on that one, really."

"We'll find out when we die. I hope them dinosaurs is in Heaven. I feel sad they died. Will we's die one day, mumum?"

"Yep, everyone dies. Not for a long time, though."

"How we gonna die?"

"Probably in our sleep of old age, in a very long time from now." It made me sad to think about. He was quiet for a minute and I believed he was having similar thoughts.

"No!" he said, enthusiastically, "Not me. I's gonna run myself over wif a motorcycle, 'at's what I'm gonna do! I could do you, too!" He seemed excited at the thought.

"Hmmm. No thanks."

"Why? Why no?" I had obviously insulted him, turning down his generous offer of euthanasia via vehicular homicide.

"I...I don't know, little kid. I'm done talking about this now, it's sad." I didn't really feel like having him attempt to convince me that this was how I should die.

"Well, 'at's how me's and mine wook fwiends are doin' it."

Yet another impressive life goal.

S.o.S--Girl Crush

I'm sure you are all sitting on the edge of your seats, waiting for the next installment of The REAL Real Housewives of Ashley's Closet to find out how my play date with Girl Crush went.

It went...well.

Not a whole lot to report there, since I always end up being way more normal than I give myself credit for. We had fun and I like her and her children. I believe she likes me, too. We went swimming and she looks completely amazing in a bikini, but I still like her anyway. We had plenty to talk about, no blatantly awkward moments or silences.

Of course I deep-cleaned the entire house, in accordance with the Ashley first time visit policy, but by the time I got to the 4th bedroom/office, I was tired and thought, "Forget that, I'll just keep the door closed. No one will go in there!" I have recently let the boys take over that room as an art room since there's not a lot of working going on around here and since I'm sick of having their craft supplies everywhere. So, it's messy even at it's best--papers stacked and scattered, supplies strewn across two desks, a few misc. boxes and picture frames that haven't found homes yet. Naturally, the second they walked into the house, Big Kid said, "Come see my art room!" and led them straight to the messiest, only un-vacuumed room in the otherwise spotless house. Thanks, Big Kid, that was an awesome move!

Later when she was in the bathroom with her child, Big Kid whispered, "Mom, it worked! I think they believe our house is always this clean!" I cringed and then laughed, repeating it to her once she returned to the room. She also thought it was hysterical and said that she cleaned up for 48 hours when I came to her house. As she was leaving, she thanked me for inviting them to our beautiful home and I promised her that she was unlikely to ever see it this clean again and declared that we were now to the stage of friendship that didn't require major clean-up before visits. She laughed and agreed, so that was good.

That night Mr. Ashley and I were talking about how the day went when Big Kid piped up with, "Their dad shaves his butt!"

"Uh, what?" Mr. Ashley asked.

"Yep, they told me that their dad shaves his butt in the shower."

"How did that come up in conversation?"

"I dunno, we were walking along and the boy just blurted out, 'My dad shaves his butt in the shower!'" answered Big Kid, shrugging.

We tried not to laugh too hard. Aren't kids fun?

Exciting stuff, I'm sure you'll agree. The Summer of Socialness continues this week with a going-away party for a mom friend on Thursday (definite potential for social awkwardness here, I love the guest of honor but barely know/haven't seen some of this crowd in a long time. Pushing myself with this one), a possible beach trip with Girl Crush on Friday, and the Ladies' Dinner on Saturday. I also may get to see Catfish on Sunday, but that doesn't really count toward the S.o.S. since we're already at the lifelong friend level and it's not much of a challenge.

Typing all of that Thursday/Friday/Saturday stuff makes my brain scream "CANCEL ALL OF THAT, IT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE FUN," but I'm gonna try to ignore it because it will probably be at least a little bit fun. I hope.

(Ugh.)

Nerdiosity

I'm sick and sunburned, a double-whammy of internal and external misery. I was wearing sunblock, too! Anyway, here's some links to relieve my guilt of neglecting you:

Violinist playing Mario song in real time More impressive than you think it's going to be.

Queen Elizabeth II changing a tire She volunteered as a mechanic and driver for the Women's Auxilary Territorial Service when she was a Princess.

Death masks of famous people So interesting! And I've shown you before but here is Mary, Queen of Scots' death mask. She was like a beautiful little doll! No wonder Queen Elizabeth hated her ass.

The original version of Sleeping Beauty Scandalous! I like it.

Evolution of the alphabet A little nerdy, but I'm showing you anyway because I want you to see.

Size of the Titanic Look at the guy at the bottom of the photo!

You are more fortunate infographic (love that word.)

Meet Zach He seems sweet, and he has a great sense of humor and Cerebral Palsy. Oprah is giving away a reality show and he wants a travel show, and I want him to have a travel show. Voting only takes one click--I think he would be great and an inspiration to many.

For making it this far (and hopefully voting for Zach) I give you a pig in boots.

Speaking of cute things like a pig in boots, I was having crazy sick dreams last night and I dreamt that I found two cuddly baby monkeys. They were hugging each other. Then I found a field mouse (don't know how I knew it was a "field" mouse or what that is, but I knew this in my dream) and then a baby squirrel and then a baby bunny. I had all of these sweet, cuddly animals in my lap and began feeling anxious about being able to care for them all--they were trying to run around and I was having a hard time keeping track of them, so I looked around and found a small crib (which happened to be an old doll cradle I had as a child, that I haven't thought of in forever) and I pulled it out and put all of these little sweeties in there, feeling thrilled about having found monkeys and wanting to get everyone settled so I could play with them. Then one of the monkeys picked up the field mouse and started to eat it and the mouse was screeching and twitching and I was screaming and crying but couldn't make the monkey stop. There was lots of blood and I was scared for the other animals and unsure about what to do. And then I woke up.

I also had a dream that my printer worked, but that's even less likely to ever happen.

Hope you're having a good weekend!