Tuesday, February 14, 2012

An Aggressively Happy Valentine's Day



"THEN RAISE THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KIDS! AND GIVE YOU ALL THE MOTHERFUCKING LOVE AND SUPPORT YOU’D EVER FUCKING NEED. AND PAY THE HELL OUT OF THAT FUCKING MORTGAGE. AND THEN WHEN THE GUTTERS ARE CLOGGED I’LL GET UP THAT FUCKING LADDER AND CLEAN THAT SHIT UP WHILE YOU STAND BY THE KITCHEN WINDOW COMICALLY JUDGING MY WORK. AND THEN WE CAN VACUUM THE FUCK OUT OF OUR CARPET SO HARD THAT WE’LL HAVE TO GET A NEW ONE. WE’LL WASH OUR CLOTHES SO GODDAMN FUCKING HARD. FORGET NO RINSE, WE’LL USE HIGH FUCKING SPEED. BUY A FUCKING MINIVAN TO STUFF OUR BEAUTIFUL FUCKING BABIES INTO IT AND DRIVE THE FUCK OUT OF IT. THEN WE CAN GO SOME FUCKING PARENT-TEACHER MEETINGS AND MEET THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KID’S TEACHER. THEN JUDGE THE SHIT OF HER IN THE CAR. AND WE CAN THEN PILE ALL THE CHILDREN IN THE FUCKING MINIVAN AND GO TO THE STORE AND SHOP FOR GROCERIES SO HARD THAT WE ACTUALLY HAVE TO MAKE MORE THAN TWO TRIPS TO GET ALL THAT SHIT INSIDE THE HOUSE. AND THEN COOK THE FUCK OUT OF OUR KITCHEN UNTIL WE HAVE NO FOOD LEFT AND WE FEAST ON THAT SHIT FOR FUCKING DAYS. I WILL EAT THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR HOMEMADE COOKIES. THEN WASH THE SHIT OUT ON THE DISHES TOGETHER UNTIL OUR ENTIRE HANDS GET FUCKING PRUNEY. WE’LL WATCH OUR KIDS FUCKING GRADUATE AND MOTHER FUCKING TEAR UP LIKE THE BADASS BOSSES WE FUCKING ARE. WE WILL GROW SO DAMN OLD TOGETHER, WE WILL LOOK LIKE FUCKING RAISINS. I WILL FUCKING TELL YOU EVERY SINGLE SECOND HOW MUCH I FUCKING LOVE YOU. HOLDING EACH OTHER’S FUCKING HANDS SO HARD THAT WE SHIT OUR SELVES. UNTIL WE DIE AND ROT AS MOTHERFUCKING CORPSES TOGETHER. TIL DEATH DO US FUCKIN PART. HAPPILY EVER FUCKING AFTER."

I saw this on Pinterest and realized I'm doing all of this, aka pretty much living the dream. Fuck yeah!

(except for the minivan part, I'm not a nerd.)



Friday, February 10, 2012

Nice Obs

The other day when Mr. Ashley had to get off the phone, I said, "Fine, whatever! Bye!" (and maybe I called him a turd face, but I feel bad admitting that now. So let's give me the benefit of some doubt because maybe I didn't.)

"What was that about?" Big Kid asked.

"Daddy was in the middle of working out and couldn't talk to me."

"Why'd you get with dad anyway, mom?"

Feeling horrible and thinking Big Kid somehow thought I wasn't happy with his dad, I said, "I love your dad! I got with him because...because I've always loved him since the day I met him. We're perfect for each other. We were friends for a little while but everyone knew we loved each other and we did. He's nice and sweet and he takes good care of...."

"For his obs. He's got to keep those obs up by working out."

"His...? Wait, do you mean 'abs'?" I asked, stifling a snort.

"Yes! His abs! That's what attracted you, that's why he has to work out!"

I laughed so hard. Then I set the story straight. "No, it was his shoulders."

"His shoulders?! Are you serious right now?"

"Actually I am. That's where the love at first sight thing came in. His broad shoulders."

"Now that's just weird."

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Lebesia

Today Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" came on in the car and Big Kid said, "Wait, is this a girl singing?"

"Yes."

"Talkin' about kissin' a girl?? So she's...gay?"

"You don't have to whisper the word gay. That's not a bad word unless you're being rude about it. There's nothing wrong with gay people. But no, Katy Perry is not a lesbian."

"No, I'm talking about gay people."

"Lesbians are girls who are gay."

"Oh. Huh. But now Katy Perry must be a lebesian because she kissed a girl. So, these lebesians, they just see another girl and think she's pretty and don't like boys?"

After I contained myself from cracking up over the thought of some island of Lebesia full of lesbian Lebesians, I corrected his pronunciation (reluctantly). "She's married or was married. Maybe the song is made up. I don't know, rock stars are crazy. Yes, gay women are attracted to women and gay men are attracted to men."

"I know you say it isn't wrong and I get girls being gay but how can boys be gay? Boys aren't pretty....so how could a boy think another boy was pretty?"

"Because if you're gay you just do. That's just how it is. That's what they like, what starts their engines, I guess."

"Well, Katy Perry said she liked kissing girls so it sounds like that started her engine or whatever. I think she's a lebes--how do you say it?"

"Lesbian? Maybe she is. New subject."

Long story short: I should have turned that song off right away.

Tuesday, February 7, 2012

Loved to Death

Imagine you had a small, parasitic twin. A tiny person attached to you sucking your psychic energy away and making mouth noises in your ears while narrating your life to you every day, eating everything from your fridge and plate before you were able to.

THIS IS WHAT LIFE WITH LITTLE KID IS LIKE.

Man, oh man. The snuggles and compliments are phenomenal. The hilarious musings are entertaining. But ohmygod having someone almost literally glued to your hip for 5 and a half years will wear you down, regardless of how cute and sweet they are.

To be loved like that--it's everyone's dream. To have someone adore you, idolize you, think you are the epitome of beauty and wonder on a full time basis, and for them to have a constant need to verbalize all of that. (Just the other day as Mr. Ashley admired Megan Fox, little kid said, "She's not my type, you can take her! I'll take my mudder ober her." Imagine! Being more desirable than Megan Fox!) But the reality of a parasitic twin is not as sweet. The reality might make you scream, "JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE TO_________!!!!" (insert "think", "breathe", "talk", "rest", "poop", "live" here) on a more-often-than-daily basis.

Today he told me, "I know you're my mom but I really love your hair like that. So, so much," and then went on to sing a song that included the lyrics, "You're the only mommy that I love. I wish I could get a copy of you and then I could love both of you for-eveeeeeeeeer!" which took the sweetness straight to creepy town and made me feel sorry for the hypothetical copy of me to endure this much love.

I know, I know--he's going to grow up and leave me all alone and I'll regret ever having these thoughts. But it would be nice to breathe my own air, something he hasn't exhaled, just for a minute.

(He has interrupted the writing of this post at least 42 times.)

Monday, February 6, 2012

Disney World

 Back in September, I decided we would take the boys on a surprise vacation to Disney World. I bought Mickey Mouse shirts and lunch boxes and trinkets and hid them away for all of those months. I hid Disney paperwork and my laptop screen whenever they'd approach.  I planned and dreamed and schemed not only the trip, but the surprise itself.

I ultimately decided that I would wake them up on a school day, get them ready for school, drive them halfway there and then pretend they forgot their lunch boxes. They freak out at the thought of being tardy; they haven't been tardy yet this year and the threat of it makes them get all worked up for some reason. (I think it's the word tardy; it's harsh and somewhat mocking). Then I was going to make them run into the house where their Mickey lunch boxes full of travel treats and shirts would be set up under a sign proclaiming we were going to Disney World and we'd leave right away, after a lot of shrieking and "I love you, mommy!"s, of course.

By the time January rolled around, I was dying to tell them but the surprise was more important. I didn't even tell their teachers we were taking them out ahead of time because I didn't want to risk ruining the surprise. The night before we left, exhausted from covert packing and preparing, and thrilled with the thought of how perfect it would all be, I posted the following on Facebook:

Tomorrow morning I'm going to wake the boys up, get them ready for school, start to drive them there...and then take them to Disney World instead. Muahahaha! I can't wait, keeping it secret is killing me!

It was one hour before bed time. I then closed my screen and left the room.

Ten minutes later, I heard Big Kid (who isn't allowed anywhere near Facebook) say, "You're pretending to take us to school but taking us to Disney World instead tomorrow?" in a hopeful, expectant voice from the other room. My stomach dropped.

Mr. Ashley (who trusts the "x" button in the corner of his laptop screen entirely too much, and who will never, ever be a good ninja) smooth operator that he is, yelled in a flustered voice for him not to be nosy.

"Did you read my Facebook?" I asked, not knowing what to do.

"Yes," he answered, clearly waiting for more information.

"Oh. That was a joke. I was just kidding. Sorry if I got your hopes up. That evil sounding laugh at the end meant I was kidding."

He looked at me like I was a moron and said, "Oh. Okay," with a smirk.

Then Mr. Ashley and I closed ourselves in the room and whisper yelled. I may have threatened (jokingly, kind of) domestic violence. Big Kid looked at us curiously when we came back out. I ignored him. He read his book with a bit of a smile on his face.

Later, after hurried conferences with my mom, my best friend and assorted others, I decided not to give up. (And not to hit Mr. Ashley). I approached Big Kid who was still reading and said, "Hey, sorry if I got your hopes up with the Facebook thing. I was going to do that for April Fool's Day but now you've read it and ruined the surprise." (I'm a freaking genius. For real.)

"April Fool's Day? That would have been awesome."

"Yeah. Thanks for ruining it!! I also thought of doing it in reverse, telling you we're going to Disney and then taking you to school instead. Haha, but that would be too mean.  I hope we can go to Disney some time this year but we can't do it this month. Anyway, you need to go to sleep, I have to drop you off early at school tomorrow because I have a meeting with that lady I'm designing that website with."

He seemed convinced but I still thought the idea must be in the back of his mind somewhere. I was excited again, but nervous too.

In the morning we followed our original plan, with Mr. Ashley dressing for work and leaving as usual and me getting them ready for school. Halfway there I asked if they had their lunch boxes and much worry ensued as I turned around. When we pulled up to the house, I told them to run inside and grab the lunch boxes and there was Mr. Ashley and the Mickey lunch boxes, shirts, and sign.

"We're going to Disney World!" I shouted at them, as they stood there confused.

"No we're not," said Big Kid. little kid looked back and forth between us.

"We are! Put on your shirts! See my shirt?" I said, unzipping my hoodie to reveal a Mickey shirt of my own.

"Mom! I read your Facebook. I know we're not!"

"Is it a joke? Is it a joke, mom?" Bubby, is this a joke?" little kid asked.

"I know, you almost ruined everything! We really are going to Disney World! Right now. Today. Go look in the back of the truck, our luggage is there."

They still stood there stunned. "I won't have you making a fool out of me in front of safety patrol. I know we're not going. You're making us late."

"Big Kid! I would not joke like this! I especially wouldn't buy $80 worth of Mickey Mouse stuff and pack an entire car for a joke. WE ARE GOING TO DISNEY WORLD. WE NEED TO GO!" I strapped their Mickey ears on their heads. little kid believed me, his smile huge as he dug through his Mickey box and found Disney trading pins and assorted treasures. Big Kid was hesitant until he got in the car and saw that it really was packed, and then he was whooping and hollering in the driveway.

                                                             Here they are as we departed.
(Naturally, I made 300 jokes about a sale at "Slacks World" I thought we should stop at first, because I hadn't learned enough that morning about the damage I'm doing to my children by constantly joking with them.)

We stayed at Disney's Pop Century resort and went to the Magic Kingdom, Hollywood Studios, Epcot and Animal Kingdom. I loved every single second and so did they. At 5 and 8, my kids are at such a great age for Disney. They were also both tall enough for all of the thrill rides and we went on most of them, and they loved it. We had fast passes for Space Mountain right as the park closed, which was an exhilarating end to a thrilling day and meant we exited a mostly empty park.

As we strolled down Main Street and passed Cinderella's Castle, Big Kid held my hand, skipped alongside me and said, "I feel so alive! I feel young again! I feel like a little kid in a big kid's body, I feel maybe four inside. I am so happy," with a huge smile across his face.

Having him hold my hand all vacation long, getting a few glimpses of Big Kid-feeling-four-again and watching him and little kid laugh and play until their heads hit the pillow all weekend long was completely priceless.

(And totally worth the cost and exhaustion.)





Thursday, February 2, 2012

Interrupted

I don't know why I fell off the blogging bandwagon. I was all gung-ho and motivated about blogging more often and was jotting things down to tell you all of the time. Then we went to Disney World so I was busy preparing for/doing that. Then I didn't feel like updating you on Disney but didn't want to be out of chronological order so I just didn't post anything, which in hindsight makes no sense at all.

So, sorry about that.

We'll get back on track tomorrow. I swear.

Today I got a 10 minute lecture/explanation from little kid about how and why we must always use our turn sniggles while driving. That your turn sniggle lights will keep you from an accident and it is rude and makes other drivers mad when you forget your turn sniggle. I completely agree with him and feel compelled to remind you all not to forget your turn sniggles please.