Today was my first day back at work and my first foray out into the real world.
Yesterday was supposed to be my first day back but I woke up and thought of all of the things I would have to do (mainly, put on pants and brush my hair) and decided it simply wasn't physically possible. That I could put on pants OR brush my hair and I could drive to work OR work but that I couldn't do any combination of those things.
Right now I am only capable of:
1. Not wearing pants
2. Watching House of Cards
I don't ever cry, I just sleep. People greet me cautiously with comfort, as if I might cry, and I want
to assure them that I am way too busy trying to stay awake; that they
are safe. I don't know if I'm catching up on all of the rest I missed last week or if I have sudden onset narcolepsy or if my brain is simply not being a jerk to me for once but I sleep from around 9pm-8am and then still need a morning and late afternoon nap. It is ridiculous and delicious, these deep rests without dreams.
But because I love my job at the yoga studio and was curious about how the outside world is these days, I pulled my hair into a (truly) messy ponytail and went and I'm glad I did. It was worth the effort of putting on pants. I don't know how worth it my presence was for them, since I spent an inordinate amount of time carefully re-folding blankets and arranging items by color and staring at things instead of catching up on more pressing issues but it was good for me, as I love the people and the quiet there. And I love color-coordinating.
Also, I stayed awake for a record-breaking 5 hours in a row today, which is great progress. I am even wearing pants right now (mostly because I'm too tired to take them off but I will still celebrate it as a success).
I am slowly transitioning back to the land of the living, full of reluctance and hope.
But right now I think I'll go to sleep.
I won't say how strong you are because I know you don't feel that way. I know you just keep breathing because sometimes that's all you can do. I cried tonight on the plane seeing a woman accompanying her elderly father, thinking that my dad may never get a chance to be elderly. I don't know...life just throws shit at you, and you can't do much about it, can you? I'm glad you have your yoga training and friends and job and classes to help you muddle your way through this rough time!
How are Big Kid and little kid doing through all of this?
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