I’m supposed to be writing an article but the downside to writing professionally is that if you’re not feeling it, it’s incredibly hard to do. I’ve been sick all weekend and I’ve also been self-diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue of Everyone Else’s Shit syndrome so I’m tired and none of that is my fault.
Today Big Kid got in the car and said, “For the rest of the school year, we’re studying health instead of science. So I opened my new book and on the very first page, I saw a sentence talking about warts on penises, mom. That’s what I’m dealing with. Should be a great way to wrap up the year!”
“OH MY--” little kid exclaimed.
“Well, sex education is important. The warts thing is a sexually transmitted disease and that’s why it’s important to always wear a condom,” I said, never missing an opportunity to scare or embarrass my special snowflakes.
“Mom!--” Big Kid began as little kid asked, “What’s a comdon?”
“A condom is something the man wears during sex to prevent pregnancy or disease -- every single time, no matter what. I will make sure you’ll both have more than you’ll ever need as you get to that age. Instead of a candy bowl, we’ll have a condom bowl!”
“How does the boy wear it though?” little kid asked. “What is it?”
“Like a rubber sock for your penis, kind of. You’ll learn to put one on a banana or something as you get older.”
“Oh Jesus. Can we stop NOW? Mom? Can we resume this conversation, like, never? Ever?”
“What? I just want to make sure you guys can talk to me about anything. It’s important to keep the line of conversation open.”
“Well, excuse me for not wanting to talk about rubber socks for my penis with my mom.”
“See why sex ed in school is important?”
Mission accomplished, one way or another.
Now do you think I can pitch this piece as the childhood literacy post I’m supposed to be writing?