Big Kid: The worst model in gaming right now is apps like Candy Crush. Pay to go to the next level! It's a rip off -- it creates an addictive cycle that requires no talent or actual ability. Also, did you know they tried to trademark the words "candy", "crush", and "saga" -- it just seems...so selfish! To try to take real words and keep them for yourself, and sue people who want to use them.
little kid: Well, at least it is pretty popular.
Big Kid: Maybe among soccer moms and people who are taking a dump.
He has a point.
Tuesday, August 12, 2014
Monday, August 11, 2014
Casting Call
There is nothing quite like being asked to consider auditioning for a reality show to make one re-evaluate their path in life.
I know because it's happened to me five times. FIVE TIMES.
I must be on a list somewhere, right? An "oversharing weirdo" list circulated amongst casting agencies for reality shows and docu-series, which I think is just a sneaky word for reality show.
They are almost always looking for some zany character and I always spend a day or three hoping I'm zany in the same way as the mom from Good Luck Charlie and not the mom from Honey Boo Boo.
Alarmingly, one of the offers was looking for people who were the black sheep of their family. I don't believe I've ever represented myself as the black sheep of my family. So, was someone reading along and decided that my family must hate me? Did my family secretly nominate me? I'll never know, because I didn't respond.
Mr. Ashley almost talked me into considering one once, when a network wanted to fly us out to meet them and promised we'd be portrayed in a positive light. But I don't see why anyone would want to watch a normal family portrayed in a positive light, and I don't believe the kids can consent to something like that so I came to my senses quickly. I can't sell my soul for a free vacation, tempting though it might be. Also, we are incredibly boring. Sometimes I'm bored being me, I cannot imagine watching me be me.
One was a show about unconventional parenting, which was confusing because I don't consider my parenting to be unconventional. Maybe a little on the lazy and whiny side, but not notably so. Not television drama-worthy. Barely even blog-worthy.
Then there was the proposal where I'd go on a reality-style game show to win money for someone who needed it. Um, no. Call me selfish, but if I'm going on a game show, it will be Price is Right and it will be for me. I have wanted to spin that wheel since I was a little kid playing sick to stay home from school.
The most recent offer was intriguing. I won't do it because people can be jerks and I don't want them being the boss of my life but I want one of you to do it because I want to watch:
We are currently on the lookout for a charismatic, fun and expressive person to star in an innovative and socially interactive new series that will result in an adventurous, life-changing and completely unpredictable journey. Whether you’re approaching a significant life moment and unsure of what your world will be like afterwards, or you’re about to experience a new milestone in your life and still have unchartered territory to explore, or you’ve ever wondered what your life would be like if you’d made a different decision, we have the opportunity for you!
So there it is. This is not an ad. Just an amusing example of what comes across my inbox and the resulting identity crisis afterwards.
For the fifth time.
One of you should totally do it, though. It could be fun!
I know because it's happened to me five times. FIVE TIMES.
I must be on a list somewhere, right? An "oversharing weirdo" list circulated amongst casting agencies for reality shows and docu-series, which I think is just a sneaky word for reality show.
They are almost always looking for some zany character and I always spend a day or three hoping I'm zany in the same way as the mom from Good Luck Charlie and not the mom from Honey Boo Boo.
Alarmingly, one of the offers was looking for people who were the black sheep of their family. I don't believe I've ever represented myself as the black sheep of my family. So, was someone reading along and decided that my family must hate me? Did my family secretly nominate me? I'll never know, because I didn't respond.
Mr. Ashley almost talked me into considering one once, when a network wanted to fly us out to meet them and promised we'd be portrayed in a positive light. But I don't see why anyone would want to watch a normal family portrayed in a positive light, and I don't believe the kids can consent to something like that so I came to my senses quickly. I can't sell my soul for a free vacation, tempting though it might be. Also, we are incredibly boring. Sometimes I'm bored being me, I cannot imagine watching me be me.
One was a show about unconventional parenting, which was confusing because I don't consider my parenting to be unconventional. Maybe a little on the lazy and whiny side, but not notably so. Not television drama-worthy. Barely even blog-worthy.
Then there was the proposal where I'd go on a reality-style game show to win money for someone who needed it. Um, no. Call me selfish, but if I'm going on a game show, it will be Price is Right and it will be for me. I have wanted to spin that wheel since I was a little kid playing sick to stay home from school.
The most recent offer was intriguing. I won't do it because people can be jerks and I don't want them being the boss of my life but I want one of you to do it because I want to watch:
We are currently on the lookout for a charismatic, fun and expressive person to star in an innovative and socially interactive new series that will result in an adventurous, life-changing and completely unpredictable journey. Whether you’re approaching a significant life moment and unsure of what your world will be like afterwards, or you’re about to experience a new milestone in your life and still have unchartered territory to explore, or you’ve ever wondered what your life would be like if you’d made a different decision, we have the opportunity for you!
Are you at a major crossroads in life?
Have you ever wondered “What if…” about your life?
Do you ever daydream about ‘sliding door’ versions of your life?
Would you ever want to try a new and different kind of life?
~
Maybe you recently turned 30/40 (or are about to), or you recently got a divorce/separation, or you’ve been trying to have kids (or will be in the near future). Maybe once upon a time you moved somewhere for someone, or you gave something up for a relationship, or yousacrificed something of yours for someone else.
Whether you’re approaching a significant life moment and unsure of what your world will be like afterwards, or you’re about to experience a new milestone in your life and still have unchartered territory to explore, we have the opportunity for you!
~
A major cable entertainment network is currently seeking a charismatic, fun and expressive person to star in an innovative and socially interactive new series that will result in an adventurous, life-changing and completely unpredictable journey. This show puts one person’s fate into the hands of opinionated viewers. Having to rely on social media interactions alone, our star’s day-to-day life will be completely dictated by viewers. Every real-life decision – from what they eat to what they wear to who they talk to – will be decided entirely by the network’s highly engaged audience.
Our ideal candidate for this ultimate social experiment is:
: At least 21 years old.
: Someone who is at a major crossroads in life OR someone who thinks their life is missing something despite the appearance of “having it all.”
: Likeable, confident, endearing and relatable.
: Curious and eager to experience all that life has to offer.
: Someone whose life is an open book, who lives life in a big way and who is expressive enough to share every thought and feeling.
: A charming and confident personality along with a fun/funny sense of humor.
: Someone who is at a major crossroads in life OR someone who thinks their life is missing something despite the appearance of “having it all.”
: Likeable, confident, endearing and relatable.
: Curious and eager to experience all that life has to offer.
: Someone whose life is an open book, who lives life in a big way and who is expressive enough to share every thought and feeling.
: A charming and confident personality along with a fun/funny sense of humor.
Interested? Submit your name and contact info to
So there it is. This is not an ad. Just an amusing example of what comes across my inbox and the resulting identity crisis afterwards.
For the fifth time.
One of you should totally do it, though. It could be fun!
Endless Summer
One week until school starts.
I know I've said (1900 million times) that this summer lasted 42 years, but all of a sudden, it feels like it lasted 42 minutes.
Is it because I am so unprepared for the upcoming school year?
Is it because having a middle schooler and 3rd grader officially makes me old?
Is it because I really kind of like having these kids around and don't want to give them back to their various institutions? But not quite enough to home school them?
I just want 3 more weeks.
So I could complain about how impossibly long and loud those 3 weeks are.
I'm going to miss them so much, even though they'll still be here and I'll have more quiet time and less laundry.
Actually, this is one of those things I'll get over pretty much immediately, isn't it? Everything is going to be alright, right? And sometimes I will be here alone and that's a good thing. I might already be over it.
Nevermind, I'm okay.
I know I've said (1900 million times) that this summer lasted 42 years, but all of a sudden, it feels like it lasted 42 minutes.
Is it because I am so unprepared for the upcoming school year?
Is it because having a middle schooler and 3rd grader officially makes me old?
Is it because I really kind of like having these kids around and don't want to give them back to their various institutions? But not quite enough to home school them?
I just want 3 more weeks.
So I could complain about how impossibly long and loud those 3 weeks are.
I'm going to miss them so much, even though they'll still be here and I'll have more quiet time and less laundry.
Actually, this is one of those things I'll get over pretty much immediately, isn't it? Everything is going to be alright, right? And sometimes I will be here alone and that's a good thing. I might already be over it.
Nevermind, I'm okay.
Friday, August 8, 2014
Dear Big Kid,
Today you are 11.
11!
We've done this whole life thing together for 11 years and we've done it well.
I can't even begin to list the things I love about you--your quick wit and dry humor, your abundance of creativity, your ability to respectfully speak up for what is right, your kind and gentle nature, your honesty, good taste and sharp intelligence.
You summed up a recent trip to the other coast by saying, "Miami is not a humble city." I thought it was such an insightful observation and remarkable that you could boil such a busy place down to six words. I loved watching you enjoy the brazenness of a big city the way you did. I love your way with words.
If I need a true opinion on anything from an outfit to a piece of writing, I can count on you to offer yours and I always consider it carefully. You are polite but frank when giving advice and I value that more than you'll ever know. You're such a good friend to me and many others.
You are just such a joy to know--I can't even begin to explain what an honor it is to be your mother.
11 years! I have enjoyed every one of them. (Age 3 less than the others, but still.) You are magnificent in every way. I am so excited to see what your future holds and so delighted to be a part of it!
I like you, I love you and I'll always protect you,
Mom.
(My heart still wants to squeal with delight at being able to write that!)
11!
We've done this whole life thing together for 11 years and we've done it well.
I can't even begin to list the things I love about you--your quick wit and dry humor, your abundance of creativity, your ability to respectfully speak up for what is right, your kind and gentle nature, your honesty, good taste and sharp intelligence.
You summed up a recent trip to the other coast by saying, "Miami is not a humble city." I thought it was such an insightful observation and remarkable that you could boil such a busy place down to six words. I loved watching you enjoy the brazenness of a big city the way you did. I love your way with words.
If I need a true opinion on anything from an outfit to a piece of writing, I can count on you to offer yours and I always consider it carefully. You are polite but frank when giving advice and I value that more than you'll ever know. You're such a good friend to me and many others.
You are just such a joy to know--I can't even begin to explain what an honor it is to be your mother.
11 years! I have enjoyed every one of them. (Age 3 less than the others, but still.) You are magnificent in every way. I am so excited to see what your future holds and so delighted to be a part of it!
I like you, I love you and I'll always protect you,
Mom.
(My heart still wants to squeal with delight at being able to write that!)
Wednesday, August 6, 2014
Food as Fuel
Yoga Teacher: Are you eating a muffin before my class? Before a hot power vinyasa class??
Me: This is my dinner! I've been working. I can't do the class without having some food first.
Yoga Teacher: Your dinner is a muffin?
Me: Actually, it's cake.
In related news, I've done yoga three times a week* all summer long and still managed to gain 7 pounds.
*give or take, and only because they make me. And by make me, I mean they have yoga challenges where you get a free shirt and I can't not get the shirt. It's a tremendous amount of pressure. The shirts say "I did it!" and I've been threatening to sell "I almost did it!" and "I thought about doing it!" shirts for really cheap in the parking lot. Because lazy people like shirts, too!
Me: This is my dinner! I've been working. I can't do the class without having some food first.
Yoga Teacher: Your dinner is a muffin?
Me: Actually, it's cake.
In related news, I've done yoga three times a week* all summer long and still managed to gain 7 pounds.
*give or take, and only because they make me. And by make me, I mean they have yoga challenges where you get a free shirt and I can't not get the shirt. It's a tremendous amount of pressure. The shirts say "I did it!" and I've been threatening to sell "I almost did it!" and "I thought about doing it!" shirts for really cheap in the parking lot. Because lazy people like shirts, too!
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Stuck in the Middle
During school shopping for new clothes, Big Kid casually announced that he'd decided to go to the public middle school.
He switched to a charter school last year and had assured me all along that he intended to finish middle school there, since he prefers the smaller environment and the kids at the public school smoke "The Marijuana." (I laughed so hard my ribs hurt as soon as it was safe to do so.)
I pressed him about what made him change his mind and he is pretty vague about answering but says he wants the typical middle school experience. Although Big Kid in middle school is a terrifying thought, I'm also relieved; the charter school was disorganized, had no bus service and middle school is a great place to practice awkwardness before moving on to high school. I think the later starting time and the middle school kids who hang out at our local Starbucks may have influenced him, but I'm going to let it ride.
We're going to do this.
I feel good about it.
I wonder if those public school kids can hook me up with "The Marijuana."
Just kidding. But maybe a little for the first day since we all know I will be in the fetal position crying, despite all of this feeling good about it. And then the second day so I can relax a bit. And then the third day because why not go for a week at that point?
Is having big kids a medical condition? It should be.
What I'm really having a heart attack about is little kid going into third grade. What the hell? I know it's not a typical milestone like middle school but that's my tiny, bald, fuzzy-headed, fat baby parasite and third graders are very big. There is simply not a chance he could be an 8-year-old in a few short weeks. This completely snuck up on me -- I guess in worrying about Big Kid's rapid growth, I took solace in still having a baby and forgot to notice that I don't. The thought of having a third grader and a middle schooler makes my stomach drop.
It's scary because it had to be some sort of time travel trick. I'm officially the mom of kids who are so big that moms of little kids hate us upon sight at play areas. When it was just yesterday that I was hating the moms of those impossibly big kids for letting those gigantic jerks around my precious little snowflakes at play areas.
So I'm gathering paperwork for registration and assisting in elective selection (chorus, really?) and torn between obsessing over this new turn of events and refusing to think about any of it whatsoever, which explains why I'll be waiting for the last minute to buy school supplies.
Again.
He switched to a charter school last year and had assured me all along that he intended to finish middle school there, since he prefers the smaller environment and the kids at the public school smoke "The Marijuana." (I laughed so hard my ribs hurt as soon as it was safe to do so.)
I pressed him about what made him change his mind and he is pretty vague about answering but says he wants the typical middle school experience. Although Big Kid in middle school is a terrifying thought, I'm also relieved; the charter school was disorganized, had no bus service and middle school is a great place to practice awkwardness before moving on to high school. I think the later starting time and the middle school kids who hang out at our local Starbucks may have influenced him, but I'm going to let it ride.
We're going to do this.
I feel good about it.
I wonder if those public school kids can hook me up with "The Marijuana."
Just kidding. But maybe a little for the first day since we all know I will be in the fetal position crying, despite all of this feeling good about it. And then the second day so I can relax a bit. And then the third day because why not go for a week at that point?
Is having big kids a medical condition? It should be.
What I'm really having a heart attack about is little kid going into third grade. What the hell? I know it's not a typical milestone like middle school but that's my tiny, bald, fuzzy-headed, fat baby parasite and third graders are very big. There is simply not a chance he could be an 8-year-old in a few short weeks. This completely snuck up on me -- I guess in worrying about Big Kid's rapid growth, I took solace in still having a baby and forgot to notice that I don't. The thought of having a third grader and a middle schooler makes my stomach drop.
It's scary because it had to be some sort of time travel trick. I'm officially the mom of kids who are so big that moms of little kids hate us upon sight at play areas. When it was just yesterday that I was hating the moms of those impossibly big kids for letting those gigantic jerks around my precious little snowflakes at play areas.
So I'm gathering paperwork for registration and assisting in elective selection (chorus, really?) and torn between obsessing over this new turn of events and refusing to think about any of it whatsoever, which explains why I'll be waiting for the last minute to buy school supplies.
Again.
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