I Found My Camera Lens!

Delayed Ending

I have enjoyed The Pillars of the Earth so much that I don't want it to end.

So I just refuse to read the last chapter.

I would have been done with it 2 weeks ago if I hadn't come up with this brilliant way to make it last.

Big Kid is Addicted

to LOL cats. These badly spelled cat photos on sites like I Can Haz Cheezburger have for some reason become an internet phenomenon.

As a result, Big Kid has taken notice and has become addicted. Now whenever I sit down at my computer I hear "Hey, wet's wook at kitty pitchurs!"

So now I am forced to stop and read all LOL cats (I take out the curse words, 'cuz I'm a good mom like that) and I have to read them in a funny voice and then we have to discuss and sometimes we need to scroll back up the page to give the LOL cat some imaginary milk or to tell it to be nice (a lot of them act nasty, according to Big Kid).

Sometimes he'll see one that will make him laugh so hard I'm afraid he'll pee himself and he'll have to run into the other room and explain the hilarity to Mr. Ashley who usually has no idea what he's talking about.

This ceiling fan cat video had him laughing until he was crying:


He is constantly trying to explain the concept of this anti-gravity cat to others:




Last night he saw this:


The smile fixed on his face instantly fell.

Big Kid: Dat doggie is scay-uhd.
Ashley: (laughing) He is scared isn't he? His eyes are all bulging out.
Big Kid: Dat is not nice. Dat big doggie is gonna bite dat poor wittle doggie.
Ashley: I don't think he's going to bite him, he's just smiling at him and that makes that little dog scared.
Big Kid: If he did bite him, dat would leave marks. And it would pwobably hurt dat wittle dog. It dest makes me too sad (eyes filling with tears).

Okay Mr. Sensitive! How sweet is he? Can you tell he's being terrorized by a biter? (Yes Afro, I tried biting him back...didn't work)

I just overheard the following conversation:

Mr. Ashley: I need some space here. Stop touching my nipples.
Big Kid: Your nipples?
Mr. Ashley: Yes, stop touching them. I don't want you sitting here playing with my nipples, come on.
Big Kid: Okay, den I'll dest play wif somebody else's nipples den.
Mr. Ashley: No! It's inappropriate, don't touch people's nipples.
Big Kid: I can touch my own nipples, dough.
Mr. Ashley: Sure, whatever.

I Feel Bad...

...about not posting today.

I went to a birthday party--that sucked.

I had to yell at someone else's kid at said birthday party multiple times...that sucked.

Came home to discover my $500 camera lens is not where I thought it was...or anywhere else I think it would be--that sucked.

Tore the whole house up looking for it--that sucked.

Cleaned out the car looking for it--that sucked.

Deep cleaned my bedroom, most neglected room of the house as punishment--that sucked.

So today kind of sucked. You'd probably have been better off if I had just skipped the wine and gone to bed, but I wouldn't! ;-)

Remind me to tell you how to throw a good party and how to take good photos, these are two things I've been meaning to cover with you all but I'm too tired tonight.

Also, all of you people whining about the snow and cold and my ability to wear shorts...I think I speak for all Floridians when I admit that we feel superior to you. I mean, why would you put up with that cold wet shit? Icy roads? Blizzards?

Everyone's like "ohhh, it's so pretty" and it is...until all of you Northerners are acting like total nutballs come February because of your Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever official term they've come up with for "being locked in the house for 4 straight months".

I'll see it on vacation. Until then, I'll continue going to first birthday parties and seeing women in daisy dukes, bikini tops and frosted eye shadow (not even kidding) in February.

Well I Should Feel Bad

I just screwed up the Tivo and promised Big Kid I'd record Dora while he took a bath and somehow it didn't work out that way.

I could hear him yelling from the bathroom, "Mudder? I told you to pause it. You know dat I told you dat." but the Tivo wasn't doing what I thought it was doing.

He marched out of the bathroom ready for a fight and seeing the image on the screen, not as he left it, totally pissed him off:

Big Kid: What happened here? What is da deal?
Ashley: I don't know, I tried to record it and I tried to pause it and somehow it got messed up.
Big Kid: So it is messeded up? After I told you to pause it? (Blinking back tears, corners of mouth pulling downwards)
Ashley: I'm sorry, okay? It was an accident.
Big Kid: Dest gib me da wemote control and I'll dest wewind it. You haf to hit da back arrow, I will help you do it.
Ashley: No. I tried that. Your show is gone, okay? It was an accident. I am sorry. I am done discussing it.
Big Kid: You made da wong choice. You made da wong choice and now you will get an X instead of a check. (Staring at me)
Ashley: (Staring back)
Big Kid: I'm dest going away now. I'm gonna go away. (Marching off towards room)
(Looking back) I'm going away now.
Ashley: K, bye.
(45 seconds later)
Big Kid: I'm gonna come out and help you. I'm pretty sure you dest need to wewind.
Ashley: No. That's not it. Just drop it. Dora is gone, no big deal.
Big Kid: It is a big deal dat you made a bad choice and you're not gonna get a check. You're gonna get an X.
Ashley: Okay, then you get an X for the time you erased my Wii high scores. Remember how bad you felt about that? But I was all like, "Don't feel bad, it isn't a big deal, I don't want you to be sad over this." Remember that? This is the same thing. I made a mistake, it was an accident, it is no big deal and nothing you would want me to feel sad about, right?
Big Kid: (avoiding eye contact)
Ashley: Would you want me to feel bad about this?
Big Kid: Yes. I feel bad about this. And dat time wif your wii scores? Dat was dest my mistake. I am sorry but I eben said I'd help you wif your bowling.
Ashley: Well I'm sorry too. I don't care about my Wii scores because I love you, love me enough to not care about Dora.
Big Kid: Sorry...
Ashley: Me too.
Big Kid: I'm dest feelin' weally bad dat you ewased it, I mean now I don't eben know what happened.

Dat Damn Post

took me all freaking morning and then it kept saying it couldn't save it. I was so scared that I was going to lose it all if I tried to add words that I decided not to, because I had vowed to myself that if for some reason those photos got lost or that post wasn't saved...I was going to have to kill myself.

I know you all wouldn't want that. Most of you anyway.

I think it is pretty self explanatory without the words, so I'm going to go accomplish something.

I swear.