The Imposter

Am I the only person who does not, and will not ever, take her children to see the Easter Bunny at the mall?

I think it is beyond creepy--some guy in a fake looking rabbit suit? Some dude who can't even talk? And I'm supposed to take my children there, present this creature to them as the magical, mystical Easter bunny and pay $20 for a photo of them looking frightened and bewildered as they sit on this thing's lap?

How would I explain that the Easter bunny has time to chill out in various malls all Spring? Why he looks different every time you see him? With Santa, it's clear that mall Santas are really Santa's magical helpers who dress up to bring joy to the children of the world while Santa gets his work done up at the North Pole. But the bunny suit would make Big Kid suspicious. He would never buy it. The mall Easter bunny could possibly ruin Santa, the Tooth Fairy and all of the other crazy stuff we lie about and I just can't risk that.

Plan A is to avoid the mall altogether but my back-up plan involves throwing the Easter bunny imposter under the bus if the need arises. If the kids ask me about it, I'm saying it's a stranger in a bunny suit posing for pictures for money and that I think it's weird.

Play Dates

Boys everywhere, people lining up to shower with me, fights breaking out, random nudity, loud conversations that make no sense, sun-burned skin and wet bathing suits all over the place--that's right, it's Spring Break time!

The only thing missing is Mexican bartenders and Tequila!

(But I have until the end of the week to find some of both.)

Big Kid has had two play dates this week, both with the same child, both drop-off events with little interaction between us parents. That's what I've wanted!!

The other mom seems nice, but like a very serious person. I was lying in bed last night thinking of how well the situation was going when I started thinking--what if she has a blog and is writing somewhere about how her kid's new friend's mom is a total nut job? Like this time I'm the crazy one, and a bunch of Martha Stewart wannabes are in another corner of the internet wrinkling their noses and urging her to run fast and far?

Wouldn't that be funny?

(No, not really)

I think I acted remarkably normal around her, but Bus Stop Mom probably thinks she acted normal around me, so who knows?

The first play date was at the other child's house and poor little kid had terrible play date envy. They had a cool backyard set-up and little kid surveyed the tree fort and zip line and swing set as we picked Big Kid up and he kept squeezing my hand and trying to pull me further into their yard. When we got in the car, he was sad.

little kid being sad upset Big Kid greatly. "Ya know, I don't know why they didn't invite little kid. Aiden knows little kid and he knows he's a nice little boy. If you're invitin' a boy and he has a brudder, you should invite the brudder, ya know?"

"Not really. You two will have different friends as you grow up. Don't go bringing that up; you and Aiden are class mates and he doesn't have to invite your brother."

"He should though. That's all I'm sayin'."

Sure enough, Big Kid made sure to mention it once we had Aiden over. "Hey, I was wonderin' how come you didn't invite my brudder to your house. He's really fun and he likes you too." little kid stood nearby beaming with happiness. I quickly changed the subject. I'm pretty sure Aiden was oblivious to the whole thing. Now I feel nervous for the next play date and the possibility of Big Kid confronting Aiden's mom while I'm not around.

little kid really enjoyed having Big Kid's friend over, but is determined to have a play date of his own soon.

"We'll have Georgia over," I promised.

"No! Okay, we will! But first step is I gotta go to her house. You drop me off at her house and I stay for a play date. 'k? You know where she lives? You gonna call her mumum? I go a-day."

"Not today. You can have play dates at our home. We will invite her over, probably with her mom because you two are awfully young, and then maybe they will invite us to their house one day."

"'at's not gonna wook. For a play date, you gots to be dropped off wifout your mumum. You find out where Georgia lives, 'k?"

I said I would but we all know play date politics just don't work like that. Unfortunately.

Even though it has stirred up some jealousy in little kid, I'm really glad Big Kid has found a little boy buddy. Let's all hope his new friend's mom isn't blogging somewhere about what a weirdo I am.

Dear Pearl,

You are my one true love.

Don't tell the kids, but it is your love that is an inspiration to me. You are patient and kind. You insist that we stay close, even when I don't have the time or inclination. You only ask for a bit of attention from me and cause no trouble at all. You are intelligent enough to wait until your competition is in bed before gently demanding your own time. Just sitting near me is enough to end your day happily.

But here I am, letting a strange 2-year-old terrorize you. I am babysitting her. Early in the day. And she really likes cats.

I know you don't really like kids (and I feel you, girl, I really do) and I realize she's slow to take a hint but you're relatively safe up there on the counter, staring her down with eyes of death, and I believe you know that three kids may be slightly beyond my ability. All three of them are being good and she's no trouble at all, it just feels like they are everywhere and it is kind of early and my brain is a little bit overwhelmed.

So, please accept this public recognition of your good duty as payment for your accomplishments as co-babysitter.

And tonight, when you nudge my hands away from my laptop as you attempt to curl up on its keyboard for warmth and attention, I promise not to breathe all heavy and call you a 'bitch' under my breath.

Love,
Mom

P.S. She's coming back tomorrow...are you available?

P.P.S. I'm dead serious about you and me and that deserted island with internet connection. Just give me time to find one, okay?

An Old Soul, Say?

The other day Big Kid told me that he had left a note for me in the computer room.

When I went to check it out, I found this:

It says:
"Dear mom,
I am always thinking about redeyed tree frog's. Pherhap's you can write about them.

Q: Do they have to be green?"

(that part is typed, where the rest was written with the drawing tool in MS Paint.)

This is so Big Kid--a glimpse inside his quirky, obsessed mind and proof that he says weird stuff like 'perhaps'.

Not long ago, he lost his favorite stuffed animal, a red-eyed tree frog named Zumby. He was devastated and became completely fixated on Zumby and red-eyed tree frogs in general. He drew frogs, wrote stories about frogs, made missing posters of frogs, talked non-stop about Zumby and red-eyed tree frogs.

Mr. Ashley and I were worried that Zumby may have been left in a hotel in Ft. Lauderdale and were feeling a little sick about the whole thing. Then Mr. Ashley found him while we were moving and I thought the fixation could finally end. But no, red-eyed tree frogs are still haunting Big Kid's brain.

He googles them. He watches YouTube videos of them. He still draws them and talks about them...a lot.

But anyway, his plea for tales of red-eyed tree frogs seriously amused me. I opened a new document in MS Paint and wrote the first half of a story about red-eyed tree frogs and told him to come write the rest.

He leaned forward to begin reading and looked irritated. He glanced at me, face scrunched in displeasure and turned back to reading. "Uh..."

"What, Big Kid? You don't like my story or that you have to do the rest, or what?" I was annoyed with his attitude. My idea was a good one.

"No, it's just--What font did you use? It just isn't lookin' good. I don't wanna hurt your feelings, I just don't know why it's gotta look like this...what made you pick it?" He looked mildly disgusted.

"That was just the default font...I don't know what that is, I thought you picked it." I felt confused. It was an unattractive font--but he's six. What six-year-old cares about font? I wrote him a story about red-eyed tree frogs and he's giving me dirty looks over the font?

He looked relieved. "Oh, so I can change it? I was wonderin'..." He quickly switched the font to Arial and started typing the end of the story. (and it did look better.)

And this next part is so bizarre I hesitate to even share it, but he's been saying "say?" at the end of sentences lately...like W.C. Fields or something. "It's a good idea, say?" or "So you like Looney Tunes, say?" I don't know if he's going for a Canadian thing and mishearing "eh?" or what's going on there.

Where would he have heard this?? How did I get a 6-year-old senior citizen?

Willy Wonka

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the best movie in the whole world.

I may have said that about Annie in the past (and I do love me some Annie) but Willy Wonka is my true favorite.

I found it on the library shelf the other day and was practically jumping up and down with excitement. The kids looked on, unimpressed.

"We seen 'at." little kid reminded me.

"We've seen it a lot. Prob'ly 20 times." Big Kid added.

"I don't care, it's my favorite."

"Whose card will it go on?" Big Kid asked, not wanting my movie to count against his 6. I looked at little kid.

"Not mine, mumum."

"On my card! Geez, who even cares? You guys get 12 movies, I can only get 6! And daddy likes grown-up movies." little kid ended up wanting Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and it was PG (which he can't rent on his card), so we worked out a deal.

And I've watched it every single day and feel sad about returning it on Tuesday.

I have Charlie and the Chocolate Factory on DVD but Johnny Depp can bite me.

(no really, he can. I'd probably like that)

It's just nowhere near as good. Not even on the same spectrum of wonderfulness. The Oompa Loompa situation in the new movie was a huge disappointment.

And you know what? My kids get sucked into Willy Wonka every single time, whether they've seen it 20 times or not. It's every kid's biggest fantasy! It's timeless!

I think my favorite movies of all time list is as follows:
1. Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
2. Annie
3. Pulp Fiction
4. Reservoir Dogs
5. Wizard of Oz

I'm disturbed by how many kids movies are on that list. 6 and 7 would probably be kids movies too (Up and Where the Wild Things Are). Hmmmm. Goodfellas, the Jerk and Forrest Gump would be in the top 10 though. So, 50/50 kid/adult movie ratio. I don't think that's bad. I was a kid once.

This post brought to you by a boring rainy day!

Thanks Kids

little kid cannot stand that I have a migraine.

He insists on leaning up against me, kissing my arm every few seconds, asking me how my headache is and wishing headaches didn't exist. It's very sweet, but every time I explain that I need a little quiet time he explains that he needs a doughnut.

And I feel for him, I really do. It must be terrible to want a doughnut so badly, probably almost as bad as feeling like the pressure inside of your head is going to force your eyeballs out of your cranium.

In the midst of this discussion, Big Kid burst from their bathroom and began shuffling to the other side of the house.

"What are you doing?" I asked, curious but not really caring.

"Using your bathroom!"

"Please don't! Use your own. That's my space."

"I can't poop in there! The water level is too low. No way."

"What?"

"In the toilet! Trust me, I'm gonna need a lot of water. I'm using your bathroom!" he yelled as he galloped into my bedroom.

I was going to go hide in there, but now that plan is ruined.