Friday, June 20, 2014

The Tooth Fairy is an Asshole and other True Tales

I hate the tooth fairy.

I'm typically the parent who loves the magic of childhood. Well, by "loves" I mean "indulges extravagantly and creatively while bitching about it most of the time" (fucking Elf on the Shelf). That's the stuff that lights me up as a parent, the fun and imagination and silliness and the complaints about the resultant mess and effort.

But the tooth fairy can kiss my ass. For real, I am counting the molars until I can officially end that relationship. She's unpredictable, frequently forgets to show up, made that stupid ass rule about putting the tooth under the pillow instead of somewhere more convenient to access and there is absolutely no consistency with pay rate. What does she do with the teeth? No one really knows, there's not even much of a story there. What does she look like? Not a clue. Teeth are gross. Wiggly teeth, loose teeth, absent teeth, lost teeth -- all absolutely revolting and not to be celebrated! This is seriously the weirdest tradition ever.

When little kid was preparing for getting his two teeth pulled, he mentioned that he was going to hit the tooth fairy jackpot with two teeth at once.

"Preston got $20 from the tooth fairy for losing ONE tooth! I never got $20!" he said.

"Preston's parents are assholes," I thought. I gave a noncommittal hmmm.

"Can you imagine if I got 20 bucks? It would be $40 for two!"

"Maybe Preston's was a gold tooth. I can't imagine getting $20 from the tooth fairy. It's usually like a dollar, or whatever. You might get a little bit more since the dentist is pulling them out but I don't really know. The tooth fairy just kind of does whatever, it seems."

He nodded; her history of unprofessionalism has served me well. 

Before he went to bed that night, I told him I read on the internet that a lot of kids were leaving their teeth on their nightstand so they are easier for her to find. She's getting old, you know. He left his on the nightstand.

After some parental conferencing, alarm setting, and wallet digging, Mr. Ashley assured me the tooth fairy would get the job done this time.

I woke up in a panic as he awoke for work. "Did it happen?" He nodded. I felt tremendous relief.

Moments later little kid straggled in, hair messy, face lit up with joy, "The tooth fairy came!"

"Yay!"

"She left me TWENTY DOLLARS!!"

"She left you TWENTY dollars?" Mr. Ashley and I looked at each other and then back at him with forced smiles.

"What the hell?!?" I hissed as little kid left the room, happily waving his $20 bill.

He shrugged apologetically. "It was dark! I didn't know!"

Sure enough, the intended $5 bill sat on our nightstand, minus the $20 bill for lunch money.

Sorry I called you assholes, Preston's parents. It's obviously the tooth fairy who is the asshole.

I hate the tooth fairy.

7 comments:

JulieStyles said...

After forgetting to leave money once, my husband explained to our youngest that it is hockey season - therefore he needed to relax and know the tooth fairy is super busy. The tooth fairy left $1.00 the next night and a note of apology - blaming the careless hockey players for the delay.

Melanie said...

Our fairy left ten dollars in ones last night because no one had a big bill smarter than a twenty. Now my oldest thinks the tooth fairy is forgetful and possibly inebriated.

DMO said...

This SO happened to me when I was little!!! My parents were PISSED, but it was the best day ever ;)

DMO said...

Oh, and also, our elf is an asshole who makes my life miserable at Christmas, when I already have enough to worry about. I am with you on these things

duhneese said...

But how was the roller coaster ride this time???

ashtonsmom said...

I finally had a moment of genius in regards to the tooth fairy. I forgot (as I usually do) to leave the dollar for a couple of nights in a row. I told Brianna that it must be because the tooth fairy can't find her tooth under her pillow and she should tack it on the outside of her door so it was easier to find. She even has a pretty drawstring pouch that came with a tooth fairy book that is perfect for tacking up. Now, not only can I pay her without the danger of waking her, it serves as a visual reminder to me. The tooth fairy has become a little more consistent. Win/Win.

Ami said...

Growing up, we always put our teeth in a cup of water for the tooth fairy, and as a parent, I've instituted the same rule... Cup of water on the dresser. I'm not digging around under the pillow for a tooth. And, because of the total inconsistency from one family to the next with regard to amount, my kids all believe that there are multiple tooth fairies. Some are more generous than others, and we are assigned alphabetically and geographically, so there's no point in complaining (because we have a cheap tooth fairy). As for amounts, first tooth is special, so a $2 bill or 2 gold dollar coins. Subsequent teeth get whatever change is in the tooth fairy's pocket that night. :)