Tuesday, June 23, 2015

Missing My Me

Lately I feel like my creativity is dying a long, drawn-out, choking for air, slowly suffocating kind of death.

I'd love to blame the kids since they are easy and distracting scapegoats, but let's face it, they're also my biggest inspiration. I was in a physical funk of feeling constantly sick for about a month, but I'm over that now too -- clean lab work, a round of steroids, and the threat of an MRI fixed me right up. I'm tempted to blame the decline of blogging industry-wide but what we have done here has always been more for me than anyone or anything else. I'd say I have nothing to write about, but the crazy disjointed text messages of conversational snippets I send to myself proves that is a lie.

I feel busy but not in a good way; the other day a good friend pointed out that, much like a hamster on a wheel, I'm constantly running to get to a place that might not even exist and that what I'm trying to have may not even be what I actually want. I need to get back to doing the things that make me happy and let the rest fall into place around that. 

I feel like my "me" is fading.

I feel like keeping my "me" bright and shiny is so hard as a mom, wife, worker and grown-up but maybe it's hard for everyone everywhere and those are just the things I blame. 

I feel like less "me" gets through life easier and then wonder why that is.

I feel like creating an editorial calendar or a blog re-design or a weekly schedule of topics or broadening the subjects I write on -- but, really, I just need to write whatever I want to write. 

And then I'm all, "Don't promise them that you'll write because what if your me doesn't want to?" but my me needs to do things she doesn't want to do. Also, I'm not promising you anything.

And I'm all, "Don't tell them that we're in search of our me! Tell them something amusing about the kids. Make a Kardashian joke. Bring the drawbridge up and fortify ourselves with funny while we figure this out!" but I think that's part of the problem. We've always been about me trying to figure out my me, and hoping it brings some amusement/familiarity/understanding to your you along the way, and lately I've been hiding my me.

I sat down to write a vacation wrap-up post and this is the most awkward and confusing vacation wrap-up post in the world, so we'll try that again later. While we're looking for me. And it won't always be pretty and it won't always be perfect and it won't always be funny and it won't always come out right, and that's exactly how it should be. 

11 comments:

Maggie said...

Wow. of all days for me to see this, today was the day. Almost got choked up to know that someone out there feels the same way - I am doing all of the mom, wife, daughter, worker things and yet feel as if I am slowly turning into vapor. as if the real me is somehow fading away and I will be just a shell that does laundry and drives to football practice. *sigh* Even if you do or do not create the topics or calendar, you've just proved that being here is reaching an audience that wants/needs it. Even if it's virtual. So here's a virtual hug and a thank you :)

shelly said...

I'm echoing both of your sentiments right now too! I think it's the transition to summer-at least in my house. I work from home full time and the kids are home 3 days/week, the husband is home with them 2 days/week. Which equals no time in the house alone at all! They were all gone one Saturday and it was utterly amazing how much I got done and most of it was me stuff which felt SO good. Also, the transition from work to home is zero mental break and that's hard-when they're gone all day at least I can take mental breaks when I need them. I'm hoping camping this weekend will help- being in the wilderness helps my me a lot.

Jamie McGinnis said...

I'm not a mother and my husband is overseas so I spend a LOT of time by myself and still my me is fading. Work is sucking what little is left out of me during the day and when I get home there are things I want to do for me but they just don't happen for some reason. The dogs are feeling neglected too I'm sure. I get home and wonder if I'm "allowed" to do nothing or if I'm wasting my lift but then I think it's my life and I should be able to do anything, or nothing, when I want... it's this weird push/pull in my brain that I'm hoping I can snap out of soon.

Hugs to everyone.

Liz B said...

Ditto what Maggie said to a "T." I think it is an epidemic b/c both of the ladies I work with feel the same way. I am at a loss to figure out how to find me...

thebookstalker said...

I like these kinds of posts just as well as the other ones. Keep writing whatever you feel like and I will keep reading!

Anonymous said...

Ditto on everyone else's comments. I'm almost 56 and still having problems finding "me" occasionally. Husband who needs "me," my cardiac failure two years ago, loss of my father (like you) and dealing with my declining mother, grown kids (who still struggle and need my emotional support), a job I love but my boss relies on "me" being happy and emotionally available for her, a friend with stage 4 cancer that's breaking my heart, and some days I just want to run away. So, Ashley, totally get it and understand the feelings. You do what you need to do, put one foot in front of the other, and your readers out here will still love you and are here for you. If I didn't have the friendships I have, I'd have lost my mind a long time ago. Hang in there, friend. Judy in South Carolina

LiLi said...

I mirror "anonymous" .... even as you grow older, we can tend to loose our "me". A different season for sure, but the same emotions/feelings are there. I will say to you, this too shall pass and you will move on to other things. These "seasons" make us stronger women at the end of the day! Ride the wave sweetie, I'm sure you have a lot special friends and also supporters and friends out here in the blog world! I hope you have a great day ...... LiLi

Ashley McCann said...

Ah, I am so grateful for all of these comments! It's so easy to feel alone, and although I have so many great "in real life" friends, it's such a relief to hear confirmation from people with no skin in the game, so to speak. I do feel like I'm kind of between "seasons" in life -- my kids are growing older and need me less, things I was certain would work out for me might not, I feel like I'm at an intersection of life and don't know which way to turn. I feel like I can and should do and be so much more and then also like I can't and won't and shouldn't. I am so, so, so lucky to have you all and a place where I can safely admit these things because I felt better immediately upon doing so.

Trilby C. said...

Ugh. This is also "me" to a T. Whoever "me" is anymore. The same hamster wheel exists in my world, and I often feel like I'm in that wretched movie "Groundhog Day" - repeating the same long, hot, exhausting, yet non-productive day over. And over. I'm in the same work-at-home boat as a few others here, and with the kids home all day every day now, any sense of alone time I had is long gone. I would gripe about it, but I simultaneously feel very lucky that my kids ARE home with my all day during the summer, which just prompts feelings of mommy-guilt that I'm even complaining in the first place. So....all this rambling to say that I really love your honest words (and the others who comment here!) which show that I'm not alone in this stage of my life. I hope we're all able to get back to (at least a version of) ourselves at some point!

Julie H said...

That's pretty much how I feel, right down to being sick and on my 4th antibiodic that still isn't working.

Cindy said...

Yes. This. I've felt so Me-less that I haven't even wanted to read blogs for weeks now, but today I decided to head straight for yours! xo