I'd love to blame the kids since they are easy and distracting scapegoats, but let's face it, they're also my biggest inspiration. I was in a physical funk of feeling constantly sick for about a month, but I'm over that now too -- clean lab work, a round of steroids, and the threat of an MRI fixed me right up. I'm tempted to blame the decline of blogging industry-wide but what we have done here has always been more for me than anyone or anything else. I'd say I have nothing to write about, but the crazy disjointed text messages of conversational snippets I send to myself proves that is a lie.
I feel busy but not in a good way; the other day a good friend pointed out that, much like a hamster on a wheel, I'm constantly running to get to a place that might not even exist and that what I'm trying to have may not even be what I actually want. I need to get back to doing the things that make me happy and let the rest fall into place around that.
I feel like my "me" is fading.
I feel like keeping my "me" bright and shiny is so hard as a mom, wife, worker and grown-up but maybe it's hard for everyone everywhere and those are just the things I blame.
I feel like less "me" gets through life easier and then wonder why that is.
I feel like creating an editorial calendar or a blog re-design or a weekly schedule of topics or broadening the subjects I write on -- but, really, I just need to write whatever I want to write.
And then I'm all, "Don't promise them that you'll write because what if your me doesn't want to?" but my me needs to do things she doesn't want to do. Also, I'm not promising you anything.
And I'm all, "Don't tell them that we're in search of our me! Tell them something amusing about the kids. Make a Kardashian joke. Bring the drawbridge up and fortify ourselves with funny while we figure this out!" but I think that's part of the problem. We've always been about me trying to figure out my me, and hoping it brings some amusement/familiarity/understanding to your you along the way, and lately I've been hiding my me.
I sat down to write a vacation wrap-up post and this is the most awkward and confusing vacation wrap-up post in the world, so we'll try that again later. While we're looking for me. And it won't always be pretty and it won't always be perfect and it won't always be funny and it won't always come out right, and that's exactly how it should be.