Yesterday

was so nice!

I've actually extended the holiday, today is Mother's Day Monday. So continue celebrating!

So yesterday we went over to my mom's house to horseback ride, swim, and barbecue.

On the way over there, Big Kid was saying his alphabet backwards. I turned to Mr. Ashley and said, "That's pretty amazing he can do that" and Big Kid paused in the back seat. "Whaddya doin' all dat talkin' for? I'm twyin' to concentwate. I got to concentwate to do dis da right way."

The kid's vocab seriously cracks me up. Observation, Concentrate/Concentration, Privileges are words I hear on a daily (hourly?) basis.

We saddled up Apache soon after we arrived and I hauled little kid up in the saddle in front of me.

He. was. in. heaven!

He loved every second of it. I nudged the horse into a slow trot, clicking and saying "trot" as I did, and little kid happily squealed "Tot! Tot!" and giggled as we bounced around the ring.

I left the ring and took him on a short "trail" ride around my parents' property and he excitedly pointed to flowers and birds and trees and said "uh-oh" every time the horse sneezed or whinnied.

Finally it was Big Kid's turn and as my dad reached up to take little kid off of the horse, he wrapped his arm around the saddle horn and screamed, thrusting out his bottom lip, leaning his face down near the horse's neck and sobbing as he held on for dear life.

Big Kid wasn't quite as enthusiastic, saying he wanted to "pwactice" but that trotting was scary and he really just wanted to go jump in the pool. Whatever.

We all had fun in the pool. little kid doesn't know that he can't swim, so it can be a challenge to swim with him, but he does enjoy it.

I spent the rest of the evening sitting on the back porch reading gossip magazines, and eating steak and peach cobbler. Hell yeah!

little kid spent the day watering one cactus and amusing my dad. There is Big Kid, reciting the alphabet backwards and adding and subtracting up to 20, and there's my dad interrupting him to delightfully point out that little kid was watering the cactus again.

little kid is at a fun age for any social activity because he loves to give random hugs and kisses and crawl up on whatever lap is available for a snuggle. He is irresistible and so sweet (when he's not being a TOTAL TERROR, as he usually is). It's hard not to give him attention, he demands it.

Big Kid adores my parents' house and started crying when it was time to go home, insisting he would just spend the night. Don't I wish.

I forgot to mention that Big Kid made me a card, all by himself, no help at all, that said "Happy Mothers Day. I love you. Big Kid 2008."

So all in all, a kick ass Mother's Day! I hope you had a good one too!

I've got 4 scary phone calls to go make, but I'll try to be back soon. Wish me luck.

Happy Mother's Day!

It's our day, ladies! Our Day of Appreciation for the hardest, messiest job you never get to go home from. The pay is lousy (I know, I know, the "you're pretty"s and wet, sloppy kisses should be payment enough, but it doesn't work down at the Pedicure Palace. I've tried.), the hours are long, your bosses are demanding, there is far too much sacrifice involved and sometimes it seems that no one else sees the monumental-ness of what you're doing.

We're making people!

Whenever I think of that, it's just astounding. I am making people. People who will hopefully grow up to do great things, or build a better society, or just be amazing individuals who love and are loved.

I am laying the foundation for the future. It may not seem like it when I'm wiping urine off of the floors and yelling at people, but it's just another brick in the wall.

It's one of those hard, sucky jobs that you have to wait a long time to get paid on. You'll get small payments here and there, the big hugs, the handmade cards, but the final payment, seeing what came of all your hard work, will be worth the wait.

In most cases.

I know I've posted this before, but it's very moving and I feel like posting it again and SOME of you deadbeats haven't caught up on every word I've ever written (or copy and pasted, I can't take the credit for this one unfortunately), so here it is again:

"I'm invisible.

It all began to make sense, the blank stares, the lack of response, the way one of the kids will walk into the room while I'm on the phone and ask to be taken to the store. Inside I'm thinking, 'Can't you see I'm on the phone?' Obviously not. No one can see if I'm on the phone, or cooking, or sweeping the floor, or even standing on my head in the corner, because no one can see me at all. I'm invisible.

Some days I am only a pair of hands, nothing more: Can you fix this? Can you tie this? Can you open this? Some days I'm not a pair of hands; I'm not even a human being. I'm a clock to ask, 'What time is it?' I'm a satellite guide to answer, 'What number is the Disney Channel?' I'm a car to order, 'Right around 5:30, please.'

I was certain that these were the hands that once held books and the eyes that studied history and the mind that graduated, but now they had disappeared into the peanut butter, never to be seen again. She's going, she's going, she's gone!

One night, a group of us were having dinner, celebrating the
return of a friend from England. Janice had just gotten back from a fabulous
trip, and she was going on and on about the hotel she stayed in. I was sitting there, looking around at the others all put together so well. It was hard not to
compare and feel sorry for myself as I looked down at my out-of- style dress; it was the only thing I could find that was clean. My unwashed hair was pulled up in a banana clip and I was afraid I could actually smell peanut butter in it. I was feeling pretty pathetic, when Janice turned to me with a beautifully wrapped package, and said, 'I brought you this.' It was a book on the great cathedrals of Europe. I wasn't exactly sure why she'd given it to me until I read her inscription: 'To Charlotte, with admiration for the greatness of what you are building when no one sees.'

In the days ahead I would read - no, devour - the book. And I would discover what would become for me, four life-changing truths, after which I could pattern my work: No one can say who built the great cathedrals - we have no record of their names. These builders gave their whole lives for a work they would never see finished. They made great sacrifices and expected no credit. The passion of their building was fueled by their faith that the eyes of God saw everything.

A legendary story in the book told of a rich man who came to visit the cathedral while it was being built, and he saw a workman carving a tiny bird on the inside of a beam. He was puzzled and asked the man, 'Why are you spending so much time carving that bird into a beam that will be covered by the roof? No one will ever see it. And the workman replied, 'Because God sees.'

I closed the book, feeling the missing piece fall into place. It was almost as if I heard God whispering to me, 'I see you, Charlotte. I see the sacrifices you make every day, even when no one around you does. No act of kindness you've done, no sequin you've sewn on, no cupcake you've baked, is too small for me to notice and smile over. You are building a great cathedral, but you can't see right now what it will become.'

At times, my invisibility feels like an affliction. But it is not a disease that is erasing my life. It is the cure for the disease of my own self-centeredness. It is the antidote to my strong, stubborn pride. I keep the right perspective when I see myself as a great builder. As one of the people who show up at a job that they will never see finished, to work on something that their name will never be on. The writer of the book went so far as to say that no cathedrals could ever be built in our lifetime because there are so few people willing to sacrifice to that degree.

When I really think about it, I don't want my son to tell the friend he's bringing home from college for Thanksgiving, 'My mom gets up at 4 in the morning and bakes homemade pies, and then she hand bastes a turkey for three hours and presses all the linens for the table.' That would mean I'd built a shrine or a monument to myself. I just want him to want to come home. And then, if there is anything more to say to his friend, to add, 'You're gonna love it there.'"


I have no idea who wrote that or where I originally found it (sorry I can't give them credit) but it really meant a lot to me the first time I read it and gave me a different perspective on Motherhood, and my role as a cathedral builder. It's a big job.

So enjoy your day! Demand some YOU time. Go take a bath, or a nap. Go get a pedicure, BUDGET BE DAMNED. You deserve it, you're doing a great job. You'll sacrifice more tomorrow.

Edited to add: There's a paragraph where the formatting is all wonky, but you know what? It's Mother's Day! I'm too tired from building these cathedrals to take the time to fix it. So let's just be wild and crazy and leave it like that. And I'm not going to let it bother me. I'm not. Starting now...

You'll NEVER Believe This...

I think I told you all that last time I was at my hairdresser's, her gay co-worker (who I want to marry) loaned me a book on Catherine DeMedici.

It was a book I couldn't find on Amazon because it was older, so I was excited to get it.

I started reading it the other night in bed, and set it on the floor when I went to turn off the lamp (Not sure why I didn't put it on the nightstand, but hindsight is 20/20).

MURPHY PEED ON THIS BOOK.

Shit.

This does not look good. I hesitated to even tell you all since my library infractions reduce my credibility as far as damaged books go (I've been framed, most of the time).

WTF am I going to do?

Say "Sorry my dog peed on your book"?

Try to find a new one? He signed the inside too, so it's not even like I could try to pass it off as his book. If I could even find another one.

It is so embarrassing. If my hairdresser wasn't my soul mate, I would probably just find a new hairdresser so I wouldn't have to see him again. But that's not an option.

Also, did you all recommend "The Handmaid's Tale"? It was either you all or Babycenter's book club. If you recommended this book...WHY?

Ugh. It's so not my type of book. It was mildly interesting, but not satisfying AT ALL. I can't believe I wasted kid-free time, or time I could've been reading about Catherine DeMedici without the accompanying smell of dog piss, on that book. It was a quick read, but I'm ticked I actually purchased it and took the time.

Not a good weekend for books around here.

All I Want

for Mother's Day is to pretend that I don't have kids.

Don't want to see 'em.
Don't want to hear 'em.
Don't want to wipe their butts.

Let's start today.

Search Engine Shenanigans

We haven't done one of these in a while, but today was an especially interesting "Keyword Analysis" day on my statcounter and I thought I would share:

"Tv Skillet Ball Pancakes" Ohhh, the pancake puff. I still want one. Did any of you get one? In my research, everybody that had one LOVED it. I need one.

"Jezebel sucks" Clearly Jezebel has ticked someone else off too. Although I'm not ticked at them. Some of you are though, and you'd better not burn any bridges until we know for a fact that they aren't just too busy typing up an employment contract for me to respond to my request that we share the bloggie they stole from me.

"Whore odor" Hmmmm. I don't know what is more disturbing, that someone googled this? Or that the closet came up? It was someone from France if that sheds any light on anything.

"Will pulling my hair back every day ruin my naturally curly hair?" No. I don't think so. I'm not an expert, and there may be a receding hairline in your future, but I don't think your curls will suffer any permanent damage.

"Pixie cut curly hair" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT DO IT. Shit, I hope this was some twisted joke, like someone trying to find a photo of a pixie cut on someone with curly hair in order to mock it. I can't emphasize enough how BAD OF AN IDEA this is. Please don't do it.

"Paradise Hotel 2 Blog" I get a ton of google hits for this search term. Someone clearly needs to make a Paradise Hotel 2 blog.

"Ashley gear" I agree that we all need Ashley gear. I'll get right on that. (I have made progress on getting you all bracelets, stay tuned for that)

"Story people the first time his laughter unfurled it's wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same" That's a great Story People print that I own. That I'm going to frame one day. I swear. It's only been a year.

"dear god please help me quit drinking" This one made me sad. If you happen to be out there, I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot right now and I have faith that you can do it. Unfortunately, God doesn't answer prayers via Google, so it's going to take more than that, but you're at least starting down the right path. Keep on keepin' on, feel free to come hide in the closet with us any day (although that may make you want to drink more. So maybe you shouldn't. I don't know, I'm not an expert, I just play one on the internetz.)

I also get a ton of hits for "Bret Michaels without a bandanna" and "Bret Michaels penis pics", interestingly enough.

Something fun to do online (if you're a total dork like me, and most of you are) is to google your name + needs. (or whatever word, but today we're doing needs 'cuz it's funny)

I get:

Ashley needs an escape
Ashley needs you like water in the lungs
Ashley needs help on Confessions of a Matchmaker
Ashley needs to get something off of her chest
Ashley needs prayer
Ashley needs to pay more attention to her blog

How funny is that? I'm LMAO at how accurate they are. Just about every single one applies one way or another.

Okay, go do yours and report back.

Luckily

Wedding Story came on right after all of the Baby Story shows, and now I'd rather get married again.

This works out rather well since my future sister wife and I have come to agreeable negotiations and have decided to go forth with our engagement and then marriage.

I need a long engagement though, there is lots of planning to be done (and quite frankly, I didn't realize HOW MANY sister wife options I had...can't hurt to get to know her a little better before I move her in.)

I am thinking we can combine the Ashley's Closet cruise WITH our nuptials!! Isn't that perfect? I thought so too.

So we'll start making those lists and buying wedding magazines and what not soon.

Also, thank you Kira for this comment:

Swallow a watermelon whole, rub your nipples with a pedi-egg, and then put a cat and a dog in a potato sack together, dress it up and try to cuddle it.

Has that refreshed your memory?

If not, I'm hearby offering you my baby on loan until you remember that procreating is a bitch and we're all petitioning to make men have to do the dirty work.

It is oh-so-true and oh-so-effective birth control.

So we'll do a wedding/honeymoon instead. With invitations. And favors. And a champagne fountain.

That will be way more fun.