Friday, May 9, 2008

Search Engine Shenanigans

We haven't done one of these in a while, but today was an especially interesting "Keyword Analysis" day on my statcounter and I thought I would share:

"Tv Skillet Ball Pancakes" Ohhh, the pancake puff. I still want one. Did any of you get one? In my research, everybody that had one LOVED it. I need one.

"Jezebel sucks" Clearly Jezebel has ticked someone else off too. Although I'm not ticked at them. Some of you are though, and you'd better not burn any bridges until we know for a fact that they aren't just too busy typing up an employment contract for me to respond to my request that we share the bloggie they stole from me.

"Whore odor" Hmmmm. I don't know what is more disturbing, that someone googled this? Or that the closet came up? It was someone from France if that sheds any light on anything.

"Will pulling my hair back every day ruin my naturally curly hair?" No. I don't think so. I'm not an expert, and there may be a receding hairline in your future, but I don't think your curls will suffer any permanent damage.

"Pixie cut curly hair" FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DO NOT DO IT. Shit, I hope this was some twisted joke, like someone trying to find a photo of a pixie cut on someone with curly hair in order to mock it. I can't emphasize enough how BAD OF AN IDEA this is. Please don't do it.

"Paradise Hotel 2 Blog" I get a ton of google hits for this search term. Someone clearly needs to make a Paradise Hotel 2 blog.

"Ashley gear" I agree that we all need Ashley gear. I'll get right on that. (I have made progress on getting you all bracelets, stay tuned for that)

"Story people the first time his laughter unfurled it's wings in the wind, we knew that the world would never be the same" That's a great Story People print that I own. That I'm going to frame one day. I swear. It's only been a year.

"dear god please help me quit drinking" This one made me sad. If you happen to be out there, I'm sorry you're in such a bad spot right now and I have faith that you can do it. Unfortunately, God doesn't answer prayers via Google, so it's going to take more than that, but you're at least starting down the right path. Keep on keepin' on, feel free to come hide in the closet with us any day (although that may make you want to drink more. So maybe you shouldn't. I don't know, I'm not an expert, I just play one on the internetz.)

I also get a ton of hits for "Bret Michaels without a bandanna" and "Bret Michaels penis pics", interestingly enough.

Something fun to do online (if you're a total dork like me, and most of you are) is to google your name + needs. (or whatever word, but today we're doing needs 'cuz it's funny)

I get:

Ashley needs an escape
Ashley needs you like water in the lungs
Ashley needs help on Confessions of a Matchmaker
Ashley needs to get something off of her chest
Ashley needs prayer
Ashley needs to pay more attention to her blog

How funny is that? I'm LMAO at how accurate they are. Just about every single one applies one way or another.

Okay, go do yours and report back.


Mitch said...

Ha! Here's mine:

Mitch needs to go! Note to Ashley -- please don't make me :(

Mitch needs assessment

Mitch needs work (OH HOW TRUE!)

Mitch needs to stand down (Apparentally I refuse to enforce the law)


Mitch needs to help [his] good, good friends in the coal industry cover up a little oopsie on the scale of say, the Exxon Valdez spill

~Gretchen~ said...


Gretchen needs to go to a Sex Rehab center ...
Gretchen needs to take a lot of responsibility for her actions
Gretchen needs sleep.
Gretchen Needs to Stop Picking on Me
Gretchen needs your prayers
Gretchen needs to set up a no-kill shelter for Katrina pets (can I do that ...
Gretchen needs a tech career at Microsoft (don’t tell Mike) ...
Gretchen needs legal advice
With the whole team at the table, everyone involved can see just how complex Gretchen's needs and solutions may be. The team looks at how Gretchen functions ...
gretchen needs this. more than you know:..
It's so under appreciated! Gretchen needs some love too...she's so cute, one of my favorite
Gretchen needs to be replaced ...

Slacker Mama said...

Katie needs your help!!!
Katie needs IV fluids
Katie needs hula lessons!
Katie needs a loving home.
Katie needs a blog.
Katie needs YOU
katie needs to take a shit
Katie needs a celebration

AJ said...

-AJ needs an agent to become an actress(duh!)
-AJ needs a night of blinding sex(didn't need google for that one!)
-AJ needs your help(in more ways than one, obviously)
-AJ needs a hero(I'm holding out for a hero, ALA Footloose)
-AJ needs to know that the people that mean the most to her care and haven’t given up on her(I'm feelin the lurve)

AJ said...

Crap, I missed the best one!!
-AJ needs to take over the wheel of her psychological car(beep, beep, here I come)

Anonymous said...

Ha! I got...

Julie needs new shoes (true)
Julie needs prayers and good thoughts (quite possible)
Julie needs sleep (of course)
Julie needs your help (obviously)
Julie needs a boyfriend (I had to click on this one...sorry DH, this was all Ashley's idea)

Kalyn said...

How do I do this?????

AFRo said...

I don't like mine... I'm adopting yours Ashley. *Wink*

AFRo needs to be more effective.

AFRo needs to collect further data...

AFRo needs not name names in this regard. (WTF?)

AFRo needs to be coifed.

AFRo needs serious of addiction treatment for his drunkard behaviour.

Anonymous said...

Lori needs...
to vent (sure, I'll blog later)
help (with the dishes)
a real man (vs. a fake?)
a gelato machine (well, yeah because now I want gelato)
a little hocus-pocus (sounds fun)
a team (of personal assistants)
some of the same (huh?)
new shoes (always!)

Caren said...

I love reading these... hilarious!

Here's mine:

*Caren needs lots of help.
*Caren needs test knitters.
*Caren needs to speak with Jan regarding when will a scheduled meeting with Residential Computing and ITS meet in Fall.
*Caren needs a bag.
*Caren needs a photo to post.

Ok, that's just funny. Anyone want to be my test knitter?

SuddenlySouthernCyndi said...

Hannah needs:
your prayers
some alone time
your help
a shave
more readers for her blog

Lynda Kay said...

I just came home from spending MANY hours at the hospital and it's late, everyone's asleep & my mind is going going going..I didn't think I could stand the chatter of the TV so I hopped online to read up on certain medical terms and decided to stop by the closet to try & get my mind off everything..& your post was perfect. Funny as only Ashley can be but then you mentioned googling your name like that & next thing I know i'm laughing out loud.. & I needed that! I actually thought some of your commenters were making things up just for giggles until I googled mine...
*Lynda needs to feel accepted &
*Lynda needs a place to spend some time with her boyfriend Bob
*Lynda needs to stay in Seattle for 4 mo's after the transplant
*Lynda needs to have sex right away, that would probably help(that was written just like that)
*Lynda needs an escort to a business function
*Lynda needs sleep(amen)

Thanks for the laugh!! Let's try "shouldn't" next..

Kate said...

So funny!! I don't have any really random or funny keywords. I did get "shamrock sweatshirt" which I'm a bit confused about.

Lazy Housewife said...

This was all it came up with when I typed "donella needs". Was I supposed to use the quotation marks?

donella needs a spanking

Damn me and my weird name.

Suzanne said...

Wow, am I lucky or what! There is a Suzanne who has a blog who did a whole post on this....saved me tons of time!

1. Suzanne needs to get dressed.
2. Suzanne needs to know about the group.
3. Suzanne needs a reality check.
4. Suzanne needs information.
5. Suzanne needs a safe place to land.
6. Suzanne needs more than the traditional basic Speech therapy.
7. Suzanne needs her own iPod.
8. Suzanne needs you healthy.
9. Suzanne needs to accept personal accountability for her errors.
10. Suzanne needs to admit that she failed.
11. Suzanne needs help.
12. Suzanne needs hundreds of dollars worth of dental work.
13. Suzanne needs more than traditional basic speech, occupational, and physical therapy.
14. Suzanne needs an Honorable Discharge and intense therapy just to survive.
15. Suzanne needs the sun!
16. Suzanne needs $100000.
17. Suzanne needs a bigger gun.
18. Suzanne needs to send an email to Vivian.
19. Suzanne needs to learn to keep her hands to herself.
20. Suzanne needs to get to Hollywood.

Sally said...

My personal favorite:

Sally needs a nice, cold glass of shut the eff up, and a trip down a flight of stairs.

ATenorio said...

Hours of fun!

Pearl needs at least 2 coats

Pearl needs a strong, large net

Pearl needs help

Pearl needs a home

sunny-daze said...

Oh, this is great.

1. Suzette needs the help, in the form of AA, Sexaholics Anonymous, and whatever...
2. Suzette needs to acquire a lot of money
3. Suzette needs money and love
4. Suzette needs inner, spiritual strength to overcome her battles. ...

Renee said...

These are HILARIOUS!! I guess there is/was a Renee on America's Next Top Model because several of my quotes were referring to her. Here's a sampling:

*Renee needs to get back to the joy of "just being"
*Renee needs a break
*Renee needs a home She squats in a shack down on Gardner street In the shadow of wealth and the town's elite Wondering each day what she'll have to eat
*renee needs to take the stick out of her ass and use it as a modeling prop to get some good pix and become a better person
*Renee needs her income to help provide for her family
*Renee- Needs prayers
*Renee needs to be desired "as a woman"
*Renée needs your help to get her message out and continue representing the values of our families and our community in Springfield

So quite a sampling there - from the Queen of Family Values to...needing to die. Yikes. I do need some updating, btw. I'm working on it - still working out like a fiend, got my hair cut and colored...look for the new, updated Me in early 2009. :) I think we should do this weekly. Very entertaining indeed.

-The Renee

Anonymous said...

Jacqueline needs Vitamin D. ( I hate milk)

Jacqueline needs to go to the Library to check out a book. (cute! especially in relation to your library troubles and my working on my masters in library science!)

Jacqueline needs to get married and have a baby so she can stop envying everyone else's. (so true!)

Jacqueline needs to invest in more computer equipment and furniture (who doesn't??)

Jacqueline needs our help! (agreed. especially given above issues)

Anonymous said...

Mine are just lame:

Tina needs a slower pace (um, it's prime dance season-duh!)

Tina needs to get over herself (thanks, really, thanks)

Tina needs Godiva (I LUV me some chocolate, but hate Godiva. I'm just not seeing it.)

Tina needs to win the Home Depot Contest. (Not really)

Tina need a blunt and a time out for this. (Nice. Get me stoned and then stick me in a corner. I'll be so happy!)

Tina needs a boy. (Got 2 of them, 3 if you count dh. I REALLY don't need more!)

Tina needs Diet Pepsi! (Ewwwwwww! I so don't do artificial sweeteners!)

the mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

These are funny!

~Now, Christa needs Us!

~Christa has it all. Christa needs one 3 pt.major to finish her AKC Championship. (I might not have a college degree, but I could have an AKC Championship!)

~I dont think Christa needs to be judged on PTO if she is evil or not. I believe she has a few friends on here, and its not up to us to make that decision, ...

~Christa needs to be put to death NOW! (huh?)

~Christa needs to realize that despite the disappointing action, she is still deserving of friendship.

bootsie q. mcgromblestein said...

i'm still catching up on the archived posts, but this one caught my attention for the "needs you like water in my lungs" statement. it's part of the song "play crack the sky" by a band called brand new, and it's one of my absolute favorite bands + songs of all time. so pretty. so heartbreaking. and i am SO drunk that i had to comment finally and mention that.