Thursday, May 29, 2008


I was just in the middle of a great photo post (you know how I hate those) for you all and little kid went and took a shit on the screened lanai.

I had JUST TOLD HIM if he needed a diaper, to let me know (because I'm tired of potty training) and instead he went and took a dump on the porch.

He has been abusing me since 7am (yes, that early!), I'm on my second day without coffee, I still don't feel well, and now this. His crowning achievement. A steaming pile of poop to present to me proudly.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: little kid makes me sympathize with child abusers.

Yeah, I said it. I could see how someone a little less balanced could lose their fucking mind while cleaning human crap off of a child, a porch, and a puppy at 9am with no coffee and a sore throat.


Life, Love And Lola said...

NO COFFEE!!! Did you give it up or something?

Unknown said...

No! I'm just out! Which makes it even worse!

M said...

I thought mine was the only one who happily shit on the floor. At least the last two times he went on the kitchen floor and not on the carpet. See, he thinking about his mommy :)

Unknown said...

WTF? There is no nearby McDonald's? No Dunkin Donuts? No 7/11? Geez, go out in the street and flag down a trucker - but GET SOME COFFEE!

Maddness of Me said...

Did you see the Oprah last Friday about the mother sitting on the side of the road holding her kid's head?

I watched it and wondered if maybe that perspective might help you get through this terrible time with LK?

Don't take me wrong... but I am serious. Which is rare.

Maddness of Me said...

I did get myself into caffeine withdrawal by accident one time and it dawned on me what the stuff was doing to me.

Hold on - I actually kicked the caffeine habit. Yes I did. It took 2 weeks and was hell, but after - I feel so unbelievably much better.

Now I am able to use other things to get my energy going in the morning, like FRS drink.

I know it sounds insurmountable and for crazy people. I've been there. But I'm telling you, the stuff was ruining my life.

Googling Goddess said...

Some days I understand child abusers too. I am very thankful for medication to keep me sane enough to not do that. But I get it.

Unknown said...

I did see it, it was HORRIBLE, and no, it doesn't help.

I love him TO PIECES.

I also actually know what it's like to truly think your child might die, so I know that any other feeling in the whole wide world can be classified under "the small stuff."

Scrubbing poop off the porch and running through the woods barefoot and bra-less is small stuff, but it sucks nonetheless.

He is a major challenge every day. He is also a major reward every day, but there's only so many times I can tell you all how great his hugs are or how cute his smile is, before it gets boring to read.

Poop is almost always interesting.

lceel--no way I could get myself and two kids out of the house without having caffeine first. It's a catch 22. So I'm stuck here with no coffee.

Maddness of Me said...

I know that I had a totally different visual, until I saw his picture.

Cute enough to eat I'm telling you. Even if he had poop on his head.

My crystal ball tells me some day he will make it up to you.

Anonymous said...

OMFG, that's hilarious! I'm sorry the kid shit on your porch, but I almost peed myself just now! LOL! Go get some coffee or a Coke or a Jolt... something!


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you've had such a shitty day. (Sorry.) I've said before that I can totally see how a crazy person could snap and shake a baby... ;-)

momtoabean said...

When my daughter was first born and wouldn't.stop.crying.ever, my husband and I would look at eachother and say "oooh! This is why people shake their kids!" I completely understand how that happens. Doesn't make it any less sad though..

Anywho.. sorry about your day!

My husband works for a coffee you need a fix? I could hook you up with a free bag or two :)

amyblue said...

i can't imagine going through even one day without coffee. i would probably walk barefoot through hot coffee grounds just to have a cup to drink. it doesn't even have to be good.

Anonymous said...

My 3 1/2 year old daughter is a major challenge to me every single day. It is very hard to stay a step ahead of her. Your LK stories always make me feel better. I know that there are other kids out there that no matter how you try to teach them that things are wrong, they are going to do it anyway.

I just said to my own mom yesterday, "if my little girl was the child of a mentally unstable person, she would be a victim of child abuse"

It seriously takes a lot to remain calm when they are pushing your buttons all day.

One day, I will email you a photo of what my kid did to the miniblinds in her room!


Anonymous said...

i will totally mail you some coffee! though, by the time it gets to you, someone will be dead.

hang in there!

Renee said...

I hope you've solved the no-coffee issue by now - make Mr. Ashley get you some! There's no Coke in the house either? Tea? You should not try to get through these days without your morning caffeine.

-The Renee

PS Do we need to go back to brainstorming ideas to keep lk's diaper on his butt? The pooping in creative locations around the house is simply unacceptable. I was talking to a friend from India and she told me that the babies in India are potty trained around 9-10 months old and I was like "Huh?" and then she explained that their moms (or whoever is caring for them) watch them for cues that they're ready to use the bathroom, or just sit them on the potty at certain times of the day (certain amount of time after eating, I guess) and they use the potty. Diapers are 'spensive and they try to get them out of them asap. They are not actually indicating to anyone that they need to use the potty at 9 months old, of course. Does lk poop on a schedule?

Slacker Mama said... the risk of looking incredibly dumb...WTF is a "lanai"?

the rural rube said...

A lanai is a screened-in porch. Don't feel dumb - we don't lanais up here in Canada either. We just call them porches.

Evidently LK isn't quite ready for potty-training, despite what he thinks. Will he keep pullups on? What about a onesie with an iron padlock, rather than 3 cute buttons? What about an iron padlock over a pullup over a diaper? Something's gotta work.

The only peace I can offer you is the reminder that i was cleaning up a nice big juicy pile of shit from my living room CARPET a couple of weeks ago, and it wasn't from my August 2006 kid. It was August 2004 - too fucking old!

Hang in there! I now take my caffeine in pill form every morning and it works tremendously!

Multislacking Mama said...

Oh, bless it. I feel the pain in your post. I'm afraid that your LK and my BLM cannot be together, ever. They are both blonde and incredibly darling and could mean a trip to the psych ward for the both of us.

LK is a beautiful boy. So is the BK.

I hope her feels better soon. I wonder if the smoke from the near fires are triggering your sore froat?


Unknown said...

I think "lanai" is a Southern thing. Or maybe a Florida thing?

Not sure, but our screened back porches are lanais (lanai=luh-nye).