Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Dear Haully,

(That's how she spells it when she's doing her kre8tv Wal-Mart spelling.)

I see that you have responded to my proposal. With demands, no less. One would think I was negotiating for the hand of the freaking Queen of Sheba.

She has a rider. Can you believe that? The nerve. Half of you would probably beat each other half to death to be my sister wife.

Here is her list of demands:

The Mamalicious Rider would include:
Diet Dr. Pepper
Pork Rinds
Peanut Butter
Wireless Internetz
Michelob Ultra
Xanex (for the occasional freak-out)
NO COUNTRY MUSIC, EVER. (say it like on Mommy Dearest)

I go to bed pretty early and I really like to watch A&E. If Mr. Ashley wants a fun friend, he should probably invite DL to be his brother-husband. Darren is *really* fun and funny. Our girls are pretty sweet, and very cute. A word of warning, though, they are demanding and are used to us catering to them. The big one minds better than the little one, so I'm sure we'd have to stay in a state of well-medicated-ness to be able to endure what LLM and LK can dish out.

Also, we have 2 cats (Phoebe and Oliver). Oliver's nickname is Osama Bin Oliver, because he is a total terrorist. We don't mind leaving them here, but our LBD must come. She is a chocolate lab. She causes no trouble, but her anal glands sometimes get infected and she smells like ass from time to time. It's really no biggie. We just take her to the vet and get her squeezed and clean.

Anyhow, let us know what ya'll want to do about gaining a sister wife and a brother husband. I should probably post the Daddylicious Rider, it's simple: Bud Light. That's all he needs. He eats a cracker ever now and again. Totally easy to please."

Alrighty then. Let's get down to the counteroffer.

--Diet Dr. Pepper, fine, but don't you dare take the last one. It is also my beverage of choice when I'm not on Coke. By the way, I am back on Coke and my waistline is reflecting that. So much for that Master Cleanse (aka the flu) I did earlier this year.

--Porkrinds, whatever. That's disgusting, but a small concession.

--Peanut butter and wireless internetz--always. Come on, it's the Ashley household. Of course we have peanut butter and wireless internetz.

--Michelob Ultra...is a small problem. We would have to have three brands of beer in the house at all times, 4 if we kept your husband (another point entirely). Also, what is up with you two drinking sissy beer? Is this an Oklahoma thing? Please consider Amstel, Heineken, or Heineken Light, for convenience sake. How are you on wine? If you drink wine, we're good.

--Petron, Ambien, Lexapro and Xanax, all fine, just hide them from Mr. Ashley. We don't want to share.

--I can take or leave country music, so since it is so important to you, I'll live without it. That is not a biggie. Oh wait, what about Johnny Cash? Hmm, we may have to further discuss this one and outline specifics.

--Going to bed early--this is fine, actually it should work out well. Mr. Ashley goes to bed very early and it seems wrong for a married couple to always go to bed at different times. So you and him can just go together and that solves that.

--A&E--Perfect! I love documentaries and true crime shows, so we're good there.

Now you seem to have missed the part of the proposal where I really only invited you and one daughter. Not a husband. Why would anyone want a brother-husband?? There's a reason more cultures aren't trying to get away with that one. Just for the fun of it, what is his average turn around time on picture hanging?

I was thinking maybe he could rent our condo, for like market rent + $500, and keep your youngest daughter there with him. And pay child support on the older one, who we would keep. He could come over on the weekends and keep Mr. Ashley entertained and they could watch the kids while we go downtown, get sloshed, and only have a $4 cab ride back to the condo, because it's close. Maybe we'd even all go on vacation together once a year. Also, he could come out on the boat with us, we need men to carry our stuff to the beach.

Your cats are definitely not coming, sorry. I'm really not thrilled about the dog either. I was thinking maybe it and our white German Shepherd, Lily, could move outside together. This would make the situation truly ideal for all of us.

I don't know what to say about the situation with the anal glands. Personally, I would've left that out of proposal negotiations, but let me tell you right here and now that I will not be having anything to do with your dog's anal glands, nor will I be hearing about it. Ever.

Here are my demands, aka the Ashley Rider:

--I prefer not to share the blanket. I sleep with a down comforter all year round and would rather not compete for blanket footage. You can either share with Mr. Ashley, or we'll just have three blankets.

--I sleep with the tv on. Usually around 4ish I wake up and turn it off, but this is non-negotiable.

--I do not wake up early. I do not hear crying children while asleep.

--I do not cook. I don't know how. Expect me to call you at work asking how long it takes to microwave a hotdog. I CANNOT operate the microwave without explicit instructions from someone else on how many seconds. Mr. Ashley will probably do most of the cooking. We're a big "breakfast for dinner" sort of family.

--or clean.

--Some days I just NEED a nap. You will realize that it is far better to let me go take one for an hour, than to try to keep me up and deal with the consequences.

--I don't handle mail, calls, or knocks at the door. Mr. Ashley will probably continue dealing with this.

--I take baths that are rarely shorter than one hour. They are necessary. They cannot be interrupted.

--Stay away from my hairdresser. Her and I share a sacred bond, and I won't have you and your chunky highlights fucking that up for me.

--Do not agree with Mr. Ashley, ever. Also, if I want to bitch about him, don't say things like "At least he changes diapers". If someone wants to bitch about me not cooking, no one is stumbling all over themselves to say "Well, at least she changes diapers." Yes, he is basically a good guy and I'm lucky to have him. He still pisses me off all of the time and I expect your unconditional support in any and all matters that pertain to him and anything annoying he might do.

I think that's it. I really think you would love it here and both of our blogs would benefit, not to mention our social lives. You would work and clean, Mr. Ashley would deal with the outside world and cook, and I would dazzle us all daily with my wit, intelligence and charm.

So what do you say?


Kate said...

Maybe we should just have an Ashley's Closet Harem...In order to apply, you must:

Drink Coke or Dr. Pepper
Watch A&E
Drink Wine (duh)
Not Like Sissy Beer
Never Ever Think Mr Ashley is right - for the record, changing diapers does not make up for what we go through in childbirth and pregnancy
Profess a Deep and Abiding Love for Ashley and also The Renee (who should definitely sign other blog's comments The Renee)

Its like the combined Mamalicious/Ashley rider....

~Gretchen~ said...

these terms are all well and good, but where do i fit in?

morewineplease said...

I freaking love this... I've been hoping you would respond to her rider.... now I shall wait in patience for Mamalicious's response! Bless you ladies for keeping us entertained!

Anonymous said...

I love this, but I'm a bit jealous. I can promise we don't have problems with anal glands with our pooch. My kids aren't *that* high maintenance, either.

Multislacking Mama said...

Ashley- In a short word: YES. I will accept the terms and conditions of the Ashley and Mamalicious Rider. Realize that I will have to sit down with a blog of my own in retort and the ways in which I can fit into this plan and be an excellent sister wife.

The cats- No Big Thing. We want to get rid of them anyway.

The dog- She can go live with my parents. She likes them better anyway. We won't have to keep her outside because of the anal gland stinkage.

I will take some time to mull this over. I do realize that this is quite an offer, and that MANY MANY people are going to hate on me for being Ashley's Sister Wife.

Basking in the Hate,
Sister Wife to Be

AJ said...

Can I come too?! I don't have any anal gland issues, well...I do have an occasional anal itch;) I don't like sissy beer and I am fucking hil-lar-i-ous when I drink whiskey!!! OH, Oh, and I won't even need to bring my kids or husband! They'd be better off without me anyway!!!

Mamahut said...

You girls are tooo funny, LMAO.

jenn said...

If at any point either of you start wearing prairie dresses, I am so outta here.

Anonymous said...

You must post pictures and a tutorial of how you do your hair in that tall, pulled-back bangs thing. I have always been in awe of that. Oh, and who is going to sew the clothes?

You ladies are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

LMAO! Thanks for the giggle, both of you!

Joy said...

I am jealous

I too have an extremely adorable girl that I don't mind you dressing her in various costumes and snapping her pick.

I Love wine and drink it when ever possible.

I have a stash of those great itchy pills in the closet

I luv luv the boat and the beach

hubs, dogs and son can stay up here and only visit us occasinally

Anonymous said...

Great. My dream = crushed. I would bring NO extra children, + more booze. Way more booze. I can get chunky highlights!

Come on!

(too desperate?)

Lipstick said...

So can we all come....and maybe we can all get on a fabulous ship with endless supplies of Diet Dr. Pepper (my drink of choice too;that is, if it must be alcohol free). Hell, sounds like Ashley's Closet Cruise to me. Count me in!

Jason said...

I really like this two wifes deal. The part about getting to go to bed alone with the second wife is the best.

I think you are on to something here. My only thing would be that the 2nd wife should have to be ten years younger than the 1st wife. Plus, can we trade the 2nd wife in every 10 years on a fresh 18 yr old 2nd wife?

Nevermind.....another women in the house just isn't worth it. How about you take mine (she loves you) and then it's a win-win. Tell Mr. Ashley that'll I'll send him a bottle of scotch and some nice cigars if he will let mine move in.

Unknown said...

OK, so I am totally dying over this "sister wife" thing. I thought you guys made the term up. Now I'm sitting on my fat ass watching Oprah and she's doing a little segment on the suburban polygamists and they call each other "sister wife". HYSTERICAL. I started laughing out loud at the TV. Great stuff...hope it works out for you because it sounds like a good deal!

Renee said...

God, these comments are hilarious! I loved the one that said "I can get chunky highlights!" LMAO!!! This is too funny. I want to state, for the record, that I am supportive of this endeavor. I think I would love Mamalicious and we could all be great friends, and when I come for my Annual Visit (after my next visit, it will have totally become an Annual Visit, won't it?) we can all hang out and drink Petron (aka Patron?) together. One of my favorite parts of this whole exchange was when Mama referred to other brands of beers as other "flavors". LOL. She is a hoot. You two will be very happy together.

-The Renee

PS I have too many boys, don't I? That's why you never considered me for the Sister Wife position, isn't it? Dammit, I knew I had two too many! Plus there is that pesky problem of me not being a Hottie, but I am fixing that. Wait until you see me in November - I'm gonna be smokin'. ;)