I have been trying not to write this letter since March.
First, you won the Bloggie for best new blog (and best group blog, which you deserved). I had warned everyone well in advance that if I didn't win, I was going to accuse the winner of cheating. Which I did. I kept it short and simple, pointed out that a slick Gawker owned site with seven paid contributing editors wasn't really your typical "blog" and moved right along.
(Although it hurt, I'll say it. I often think about how you probably stole my only chance at a Bloggie. I can't hang with the big dogs I'll be thrown to next year, you know, the Perezes and Dooces and Icanhascheezeburgers of the world. Best New Blog was my shot. But whatever, I tried to be a gracious loser.)
Then my mom called the other day and was all like "Oh, that blog Jezebel is in our local paper and it's all about how bloggers are getting all rich and famous--" and I cut her off with a quick "Jezebel is not a blog, it's a website" and moved along, again.
But now...well now it's time to talk.
You see, yesterday I received an email from ABCNews.com, wanting me to call them to discuss Yo Gabba Gabba. Oh my. That is so big time (and total terror for a phone phobe, but I was going to do it). Unfortunately, I was on my way out the door to a photoshoot, so sent them an email with my phone number saying they could call me or I'd call them later that afternoon or first thing in the morning.
I know. It was ABCnews.com. I should've dropped everything. But I'm dumb, and I need money, and had an appointment. You see, no one pays me to blog, but we'll get to that. I am naive (read: dumb, but I said that already) and thought I could do both.
But apparently, one of your writers, who does get paid to blog, and apparently even gets paid to smoke pot AND blog...was able to call back right away.
First, someone gets paid to smoke pot and then blog while high? How much do you pay them for this?
Because I'll do it for less. Actually, you just buy the weed and we're good.
Second, the internetz is a big place. We shouldn't always be bumping into each other like this. I'm starting to feel like you're the Wal-Mart of the internet, and I'm the little guy just trying to make a buck or two.
I will honestly say that if Ashley were putting together a professional website with 6 other writers, it would be Jezebel.com. I also think if Jezebel were a SAHM to 2 quirky boys, had a messy house and a few hot girl crushes, she would be Ashley.
The problem is that you are great, but a whole different thing from the Closet. Not necessarily better, just bigger and different and nicer looking (although we both have the whole retro girl thing going on) and richer. We are both attention whores, we are both funny, you're just doing it better.
So, I'll get to the point. As a gesture of goodwill, I think you should consider giving me your Best New Blog Bloggie.
But Ashley, you say, there's nothing to even give you. You don't even get the $20 check if you didn't go to the award show and we were too busy getting high and blogging and cashing paychecks to bother.
This is fine! I'm really not asking for anything, just for you to say "Ashley, as a gesture of goodwill, we would like to bestow upon you our Best New Blog Bloggie for the latter half of 2008."
So really we're sharing it. I would just tell people that I won a Bloggie for Best New Blog in 2008 and if anyone asks, I'll specify that I really only got it for the latter half of the year and as a gesture of goodwill, from a kind, funny, non-evil empire called Jezebel.
Probably no one will even ask. Besides you have that other Best Group Blog Bloggie, you don't need this one too.
Please consider this amicable agreement. Otherwise, we're going to have to think of some way to draw a dividing line down the interweb just so I have a fighting chance.
Also, if that pothead (or any of the others) ever calls in sick or misses a deadline or gives you attitude or anything, CALL ME.
I'll do it better for cheaper.