Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Dear Jezebel,

I have been trying not to write this letter since March.

First, you won the Bloggie for best new blog (and best group blog, which you deserved). I had warned everyone well in advance that if I didn't win, I was going to accuse the winner of cheating. Which I did. I kept it short and simple, pointed out that a slick Gawker owned site with seven paid contributing editors wasn't really your typical "blog" and moved right along.

(Although it hurt, I'll say it. I often think about how you probably stole my only chance at a Bloggie. I can't hang with the big dogs I'll be thrown to next year, you know, the Perezes and Dooces and Icanhascheezeburgers of the world. Best New Blog was my shot. But whatever, I tried to be a gracious loser.)

Then my mom called the other day and was all like "Oh, that blog Jezebel is in our local paper and it's all about how bloggers are getting all rich and famous--" and I cut her off with a quick "Jezebel is not a blog, it's a website" and moved along, again.

But now...well now it's time to talk.

You see, yesterday I received an email from ABCNews.com, wanting me to call them to discuss Yo Gabba Gabba. Oh my. That is so big time (and total terror for a phone phobe, but I was going to do it). Unfortunately, I was on my way out the door to a photoshoot, so sent them an email with my phone number saying they could call me or I'd call them later that afternoon or first thing in the morning.

I know. It was ABCnews.com. I should've dropped everything. But I'm dumb, and I need money, and had an appointment. You see, no one pays me to blog, but we'll get to that. I am naive (read: dumb, but I said that already) and thought I could do both.

But apparently, one of your writers, who does get paid to blog, and apparently even gets paid to smoke pot AND blog...was able to call back right away.

First, someone gets paid to smoke pot and then blog while high? How much do you pay them for this?

Because I'll do it for less. Actually, you just buy the weed and we're good.

Second, the internetz is a big place. We shouldn't always be bumping into each other like this. I'm starting to feel like you're the Wal-Mart of the internet, and I'm the little guy just trying to make a buck or two.

I will honestly say that if Ashley were putting together a professional website with 6 other writers, it would be Jezebel.com. I also think if Jezebel were a SAHM to 2 quirky boys, had a messy house and a few hot girl crushes, she would be Ashley.

The problem is that you are great, but a whole different thing from the Closet. Not necessarily better, just bigger and different and nicer looking (although we both have the whole retro girl thing going on) and richer. We are both attention whores, we are both funny, you're just doing it better.

So, I'll get to the point. As a gesture of goodwill, I think you should consider giving me your Best New Blog Bloggie.

But Ashley, you say, there's nothing to even give you. You don't even get the $20 check if you didn't go to the award show and we were too busy getting high and blogging and cashing paychecks to bother.

This is fine! I'm really not asking for anything, just for you to say "Ashley, as a gesture of goodwill, we would like to bestow upon you our Best New Blog Bloggie for the latter half of 2008."

So really we're sharing it. I would just tell people that I won a Bloggie for Best New Blog in 2008 and if anyone asks, I'll specify that I really only got it for the latter half of the year and as a gesture of goodwill, from a kind, funny, non-evil empire called Jezebel.

Probably no one will even ask. Besides you have that other Best Group Blog Bloggie, you don't need this one too.

Please consider this amicable agreement. Otherwise, we're going to have to think of some way to draw a dividing line down the interweb just so I have a fighting chance.

Also, if that pothead (or any of the others) ever calls in sick or misses a deadline or gives you attitude or anything, CALL ME.

I'll do it better for cheaper.

k?thxbai,
Ashley

23 comments:

dannibanani said...

Aww Ashley, I just read that ABCnews article, and imagined what it would be like if it referenced Ashley's Closet instead. I would have been so excited for you.

Boo on Jezebel.

I think the award should be split up. And I think there should be a distinction between a blog with one owner/writer and a blog with a group of editors. It's an OBVIOUS advantage.

It's like Best New Solo Artist and Best New Band. Is it that hard to comprehend?

And once again, just for fun ;) BOO Jezebel.

P in VT said...

Um, you TOTALLY deserve it. I'm making e-picket signs right now actually...

Mrs. Schmitty said...

Us little guys just can't get a freaking break, can we?

Cake said...

Where does the line form to get high and blog?

jennyandcompany said...

geez, she had 56 posts in the last 24 hours. that's just stupid. who has time to keep up? and today it's just rehashing what I already read while waiting in line at the grocery store. she sucks, that is so not even a blog.

elaines630 said...

Well I dont know who this Jezebel is, but I dont like it! more than 1 writer? WTF? Seriously... That is more than just a blog! Ugh. I wont even visit the site - just for you!
Besides, their comments in the article make them sound stupid. Although, I would be first in line to get paid to smoke pot and watch tv.

You definitely deserve the bloggie over them!

Alissa said...

OMG I love that article. That is hilarious!

jen.at.work said...

I can't believe THAT won a bloggie.
The Closet = much better.


How about I give you a "jenatworkie" for my most frequented blog.

I know that will make it all better now.

M said...

I hadn't been to Jezebel before but I don't get how it's a "blog." It's several writers writing newsish (using that term loosely) stories.
But whateva, I think you're great and will continue to read and link you on my page.

Shannie said...

Ashley, I have never even looked at Jezebel's "blog"... I was tempted to click on the link you provided, but in a fit of rage and protest, did not. I've thought the award being given to them sucked from the beginning, seeing as how it's a collaborative work and all... And, even if I haven't checked them out, I do not see how they can touch the Closet... They suck. Boo hiss on Jezebel.

Oh, and I'm with you Cake. Let me know where you find that line... I'll go camp out.

mommy dearest said...

Damn. Getting paid to smoke and blog. Now THAT is a job I would like to have.

Mitch said...

Uhm, how does the pot smoking blogger not get busted by the cops? Last I heard, it was still illegal, even if it shouldn't be...

J said...

Oooh, I love dannibanani's solo artist/band analogy.

And for what it's worth, I read everything you write. I definitely do not read every post of jezebel and the ones I do read I mostly just scan.

Dre the Texican said...

Jezebel is not a blog. If it were a blog, it would not hold a bag of poo to PerezHilton.

I've been to their site twice. Once was to see what sites could compare to my beloved Fussypants and Sarcastic Mom. Oh shit, that's how I found you. And lookie, I'm still here.

So anyway, the second time was today because I had forgotten about Jezebel's existence.

And I'll forget again in just a few seconds. But I won't forget you, Veiner! Never!

J.Rube said...

Well done. And very smart of you, too. :o)

I know from my recent attempt (which I am about to formally quit) that what you achieve here ON YOUR OWN is virtually impossible. Both your time and your brilliantly witty witty witty mind goes above and beyond what one person should be even capable of producing. (never mind 7)
So, screw them. (THEM!!)
You're in a category all your own.

Jodi

Kathy said...

CAN SOMEONE GIVE THIS LADY A MOTHERFUCKING BOOK DEAL OUT THERE!?!!

DO YOU HEAR MEEEEEE INTERNET!?!

There.

That should do it.

Please remember to give my a shout out in your acknowledgments.

catfish said...

*___* did you feel that?? It was me bopping you in the head through the www! I can't believe it!! You should have totally been in that article. I'm going to keeeel you (that kill with a wierd acent).
xo CF

txchic said...

Kathy's right. I've been screaming book deal ever since I started stalking your blog!

Jezebel is NOT a blog..it's a website and a boring one at that.

Life, Love & Lola said...

I checked out Jezebel's blog today...and fell asleep. At work. Good thing I'm in charge or I may have been fired!

lyndakay916 said...

1. Totally with you on the fact that it just doesn't count as a blog when there's so may writers & whatnot
2. I'm with yourself, Cake, Mommy Dearest and almost everybody else-I want that job!!
3. Yo Gabba Gabba's best song ever is still "Don't Bite Your Friends!"

mom said...

Catfish-I told her so, nobody ever listens to their Mom!

Renee said...

I totally agree that the Jezebel site is not a blog - that many posts? That many writers? It does seem wrong to lump the Solo Bloggers in with the group ones. So very wrong. (I do think you'd be a great contributor over there though - don't burn any bridges! lol). Being paid to smoke and blog seems almost too good to be true. :)

-The Renee

The Lining of My Life said...

Great writing...I laughed out loud here at my desk...too funny