Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Morning with the Maniac

little kid has been in time out 4 times this morning and has had his butt swatted (I know, child abuse, take him).

He is a walking maniac. Among his list of offenses so far this morning:

1. Taking off his pjs and diaper and peeing out the bars of his crib (at least a twice daily affair).
2. Finding a marker and drawing all over Big Kid's bed sheets.
3. Grabbing my coffee and pouring it onto the floor.
4. Torturing Murphy (The other day I caught him running up to Murphy with a pair of play pliers and an absolutely wicked grin on his face)
5. Body slamming into the screen door.
6. Taking off his diaper again (We've been making duct tape belts for him, because it is the only way to stop his e-bull self, but I didn't have any handy this time so I used a double layer of painter's tape)
7. Pounding on pets while wearing a pirate claw. (got a time out for this one. We are kind to animals around here or we get our ass beat)
8. Found in time out, BUTT NAKED AND SMILING, with the painter's tape wrapped around his neck.
9. Unpacked Big Kid's backpack, all over the kitchen floor.
10. Caught with play money in his mouth.
11. Fed the rocking horse peaches. This seems harmless enough, but every plush animal in the house has a ketchup or peach juice encrusted face. It's disgusting. He has play food.
12. Purposely spilled his milk onto the floor so he could lap it up with his tongue like a dog.
13. Had a total fit, talked nasty to me, and gave me the new "dirty look" he's so proud of when he realized he wasn't getting new milk.
14. Ran out the front door as fast as he could and into a path in the woods. He is freaking fascinated with this path on our property and every chance he gets, when he thinks I'm not on top of my game, he unlocks the deadbolt (because that's not even a hindrance anymore) and bolts straight out the front door, across the front yard, and onto this path.

This is what he got the swat for. I DO NOT like running like a wild person (because I have to sprint, he's fast and he has a head start and the element of surprise), barefoot and bra-less and still in my pjs, into the fucking woods.

My neighbors' landscaping crew has witnessed this debacle. I'm not proud.

So yeah, I spanked him. It doesn't work, but neither does anything else and I can't have him running through the woods.

So that's how my morning has gone so far. Right now I'm letting him gorge himself on Mandarin oranges because he's quiet when his mouth is full.

62 comments:

Denise said...

HOLY CRAP!!! little kid makes me tired just reading about him!!!

Shannie said...

Do you have the other half of that valium?

jennyandcompany said...

oh i'm so sorry, but that is hilarious. not to you of course, but maybe one day. Mine that just turned 1 is going to be like that. The other day I caught him in the giant glass bowl on top of our microwave, attempting to crawl onto the counter by holding onto the toaster. He started whining because the bowl was tipping over. Fun times. If you ever don't hear or see him, he's on the top bunk, that ladder was a fun new skill.

momtoabean said...

Yikes! I thought my daughter was crazy :)

I was already LMAO when I read "I know, child abuse, take him."

:)

LceeL said...

Child abuse my aching ass. This sounds more like Parent abuse to me. You need to wrap that boy up in a rug and not let him out until he's 21. Period.

Anonymous said...

Yes, parent abuse for sure.

That post made me laugh out loud...

jen.at.work said...

I'm sure your's neighbor's landscaping crew thought you looked hawt.

Judy said...

OMG, he makes my almost 3 year old look like an angel! All of that by 10:30 am? Wow, what time does he get up? I bet you can't wait till he is in school.

LuvMy2Girlz80 said...

lol - I'm so sorry to hear about your rough morning with LK. I've utilized the duct tape before for my lil one, after catching her several times smearing poop on the walls and the rungs of her crib. She figured out how to get it off. Not quite sure how.

She also recently took her diaper off and peed on the dog mat, "like da doggie." Cute. Except she missed the mat and got the carpet. yay!

He's got her beat on all of the other levels. I feel for you. I know what mine is like, and wow.. I don't even have any valium!

Kristi said...

Want another one?? Mine has graduated to trying to pee on me, running and hiding, and not picking up after himself. He's 5, I'm willing to donate a playmate to the little kid!

K

momto2crazykids said...

Oh Ashley! I feel your pain! I gotta say you really had me laughing at the running braless, barefoot, and in pjs part. That could totally happen to me! It was a pretty good mental image too.

As for the diaper part, my friend taught me to take pajamas that have a zipper all the way up the front and put it on the kid BACKWARDS (cut off the feet if it's the footed pj kind.) I've had great success with that trick. If LK manages to get out of that one, the bright side is that you could make some money pimping him out as the next Houdini.

Hang in there!

CrazyMom

Jason said...

Jeesh,

Beat the kid. Seriously, if that kid hasn't gotten at least 4 spankings already today then you only have yourself to blame.

Beat the kid into submission. If it ain't workin then you ain't hittin him hard enough.

It's best to catch them in the act and begin beating them while they are still peeing or whatever. The kid should cry for at least a half hour after the beating.

Help make the world a better place....beat your children.

If you can't do it, send him to me. I'll "fix" him quick.

Samantha said...

Oh crap! You had a rough morning. Sounds like things that my oldest (3) would love to do.

Dont worry about the spanking. You are welcome to come over and practice on my oldest. He seems to enjoy them.

CrazyMom, great suggestion! I am going to have to try that.

Ashley said...

Just tell me where to send him Jason. He's all yours.

Interesting sidenote about little kid...he NEVER cries when you spank him. Even a stinger on the bare butt. He doesn't give a crap, in fact, he thinks it is funny. Yelling doesn't scare him either. He utilizes time outs to undress himself and pee. 1-2-3 Magic he just counts along with you.

He feels no fear or pain or remorse. I'm really hoping he grows out of that.

Also, he woke up at 8:30 this morning, so he accomplished that list in a short 2 hours.

And right now is Nap time! Hallelujah! I'm totally trying the backwards pj thing, although I guess he'll have to live in them full time. I put him in overalls for his nap, he was perplexed, but up to the challenge. We'll see if he's naked when I go to get him.

Punk.

Yellow Fence said...

Holy crap. How young will the Jews take him?

Maggie said...

Ashley,

I totally feel for you and your LK morning. I am a professional nanny in Ohio and when I started the younger boy was just 2 weeks old and I watched him morph into LK. He is now 16 months old and a nightmare for mummy and daddy... However I am here 2 days a week and he doesn't dare cross me. I would love to offer my services to you and LK. I'll be in Florida this summer, perhaps I could swing by for a day of LK boot camp. Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

Oh honey!! You need a job that requires you to put little kid in daycare... so you can have a break! Why do you think most moms work outside the home??? And most of us don't have anything that half compares to little kid...! Is he too young for pre-school????

Jason said...

I blame Mr Ashley.

IMO, it's the father's job to beat young boys into submission. You ladies are just too sweet and kind to hit them hard enough. Plus, yall find too many disturbing behaviors "cute".

Mr. Ashley needs to get off his duff and straighten this kid out. Do you have a paddle? If not, get one and use it. I prefer a belt myself bc I always have one with me, even in Wal-Mart. I don't use it around the wife bc she is too freaked out by belts.

She bought this paddle thing a few years ago and it works pretty good but they cry more when I use the belt. I think it's mental.

Use it early in the day. If the kid ain't cryin then keep hitting him. He will eventually break down due to the pain.

It's Mr Ashley's fault anyway. He should beat that boy anytime he tortures mom.

dimknit said...

Holy crap, Ashley!

I've got one, too, but the swatting his biscuits does work for me. I never spanked my first - time outs and all that worked - but NOTHING worked for my little one. I did all the other stuff w/ him and it never worked. I swatted his little behind...magic.

The diaper thing...and I'm going to mention this even though you might not be ready...potty training? My little kids kept taking his diaper off, so we trained him.

If all else fails, send him to Jason. :)

Ashley said...

Mr. Ashley beats him too, he's also a very loud and scary yeller, but not scary enough for little kid.

Maybe I should try waterboarding him? That might break his spirit. Otherwise, I'm at a loss. I know someone whose children bow down at the sight of a wooden spoon, maybe I need to explore that option, because those are some GOOD kids.

Maggie boot camp sounds GREAT. Although I bet you anything he'd charm you to bits and you'd just end up doing whatever he wanted anyway, creating no friction and not believing that's really e-bull.

Because he is also super funny and cute, it's just harder to see that when you are duct taping diapers onto him.

Ashley said...

We HAVE been discussing potty training lately. He is interested, but not committed. The other day he took off his diaper, peed in the corner of the porch and came inside and demanded a dum-dum.

So he's kind of missing the point, so far. He does like to play with TP and flush though, so there is some interest.

Kristi said...

So, I need your addy, I have a wood spoon that is already "broken in" that I can send you. It's served me well for the past 3 years.
K

Anonymous said...

Jason is scaring me.

Susan

Joy said...

Oh I can't wait to hear if he got the overalls off.

I can see you taking him out in public in backwards pjs. Oh and the running barefoot, bra less and in pjs had to be a sight to see wish I had been there

Life, Love & Lola said...

Nap Time=Drink Time!

Tiffany said...

Have you tried a lock on the top of the door to help deter him from going out front. We have one and it will only allow the door open a few inches and it's pretty high up there. Good luck I'm sorry he's not being a good boy.

J said...

#12 is soooooo funny. It made me laugh at loud!

Bethany said...

My suggestion is for a different lock on the door as well. I was going to say that you could get one of those deadbolts where you pull the key part out, but then you'd have to keep track of the key part. There has to be a child-proof lock of some sort that will work. Good luck!

My Charmed Life said...

All I can say is I'm praying for you. I don't see how you do it. I would put myself into an insane asylum just to get a break.

Rachel said...

How old do the kids have to be for the Jews to take them? You should start a donation fund...

Rachel said...

How old do the kids have to be for the Jews to take them? You should start a donation fund...

Kama said...

Ummmm . . . are you certain you don't have MY little kid? Caue I could swear he was into that much mischief and more this morning. And beatings don't work on him, either, damn it. I am considering duct tape on a wall. or maybe to the floor?

so tired said...

Ashley,

I don't think that you and Jason covered what I suggested a while ago. Get LK one of those electronic collars that lets you zap him with a remote control. I know those are really for dog training, but I think you would find it useful.

While you are at it, you could get an electronic fence for your yard. That way when LK breaks free out of the front door he can't get very far. Just leave the front door open and leave some food by it. He'll come back eventually. Plus maybe he'll get some of that peeing done outside. Now, I'm not sure what happens if he pees on the electronic fence.... he might wind up with that circumcision after all.

Sasha said...

At least he's not spitting on you. That's WC's latest.

I feel for you, my sister in pain. I'm with you, right there with you, cursing my aptly named Wild Child every time I get that call in the middle of an important meeting that she's just bitten someone. And broken the skin.

So I have no answers, just a sympathethic head nod. I know, I know.

Madden said...

You ran into the woods after him? I was surprised you didn't let him go on with his bad self.

They say that female animals will adopt orphaned babies.

They might reject LK though. I'm not sure that would work here.

SweetMichelle said...

Ashley, no it does not get better. Mine is 3.5 and still absolutely exhausting. I used to think it was me until I had my second child. She's such a sweet, obedient, non-mischevious angel child. Yay! It's so nice to have a kid that leaves stuff alone and listens to me. We've all been so sick this past week and so my son has taken full advantage. He has eaten birth control, sprayed hair spray all over his sister, squeezed an entire tube of tooth paste all over his toys, ate a pack of gum & snuck and drank a box of juice boxes. Sigh. Those are only the things I can readily remember. We've had great luck with a wooden spoon. Time out in the high chair when he was younger worked liked a charm, he hates to be confined like that. He's just like LK though in that he finds JOY in every punishment. Seriously, it's maddening. He's also beautiful, smart, funny & charming. :) I'm hoping age 4 will be when things turn around.
Good Luck!

momtoabean said...

Oho..also, quick word of advice on the beatings. My Dad told me that if you don't feel guilty for 2 weeks after the spanking, you didn't do it hard enough.

Words to live by! LOL

Nikki said...

I'm still rolling about your running braless and barefoot outside!
That would have been for adoption right there ;)

Nikki said...

Crap, that should have read
" that would have been grounds for adoption"

KatieGirlBlue said...

Ashley, my husband still pees in the yard (thankfully wooded) and he's 35. He doesn't expect a dum dum for his efforts, but still. What I'm saying is: pick your battles.

M said...

I don't know if that's so funny because of the scene you described or the fact that I've been there.

Either way, thanks!!

Kathy said...

Jason is scaring me too. I can't tell how serious he is...I'm gonna go check out his blog after this.

I have no words for your childs actions. No advice. I can just say I've been there. I live it. I hate chasing children too. And I hate when they don't cry when they are in trouble. I like the pj idea. Leashes are good too. And I hate that all I am is their little bitch. That's all I am.

Nina said...

Lock that kid up!

Cake said...

OMG, you're scaring the crap out of me because my first was WAY too easy.

I am LMAO at the Duct Tape - it really is good for everything isn't it?

Maybe you should call Super Nanny and he could go down in history as the one kid she couldn't "Tame" ;)

Jenn said...

Dude.

He and Little A can NEVER MEET.

EVER.

Just last night I said to her, "Please.quit.talking."

michelle said...

fortunately, if you can get through all this you will be pleased i think to have such a "spirited" child. i have one as well, and although i have on a couple times spanked (which I never had to do with my daughter, who was just like some freakishly obedient kid most of the time) with a spoon, it doesnt do anything with the boy. dont break his spirit by "beating it out of him", no offense to anyone this has worked for. i just think to myself every time i am at the point of breaking, this is a phase, it will pass.

Renee said...

How about putting him in those cute monkey backpack/kid leash things and keeping the other end of the leash fastened around your ankle all day long? Or fastened around the leg of the couch? Bring him some toys and snacks, but tie that kid up and don't let him out of that area until bedtime. Now, as for bedtime, I'm really not sure....the duct tape seems like a hazard once it's off the diaper and wrapped around the neck. The backwards clothes seem promising, but this is Houdini we're talking about. Baby straight jacket? Oh! How about strapping him into one of those papoose stretchers that they use when they have to give your toddler stitches or extract a cracked tooth (yes, those are the 2 instances in which we've seen those stretchers used....)? You could strap him in and then you and Mr. Ashley could gently lower the stretcher into his crib for the night. Think about it.

Omg, you have to look at these pictures - can't you totally picture lk in one of these? SERIOUSLY!!!
http://www.natus.com/index.cfm?page=products_1&crid=109


-The Renee

Mo said...

so I would think that all the running through the woods counts as exercise for sure, which definitely counts for one of your things done for the day. No?

kristin said...

Here's another vote for child proofing the outside door. We had something on our pantry that had a metal plate that folded over the door to prevent it from being opened. Had to move it higher as my monster grew (then had to replace it with a locking handle). You could also do time outs in the bathroom so the naked/pee possibility is less of an issue (it would have to be a child proof bathroom, toilet lock, no paper to unroll, etc. Then a latch on the door to keep him in.
Best of luck!

Cheeky (Tracy) said...

I think our kids were seperated at birth. A few months ago my 2.5 yo got his hand on the grocery bag and started throwing tomatoes from his window, did I mention we were driving down a highway. My fault, I accidently took the window lock off and forgot. I feel your pain. I have been thinking about putting mine out front with a sign on him that says "Free or Best Offer." I'm willing to make concessions. Good Luck;)

stacekat said...

Try putting LK's zip up or button up pj's on backwards so the zip is in the back...like a straight jacket ;) This doesn't work with the footed pj's, but with the footless, one-piece pj's it's awesome!

Also, we had to get a chain at the top of our door because one day my lovely daughter told me "I don't like you momma, I'm leaving". She was two at the time and she walked right out the door. Fabulous. I picked her up, went to the hardware store and invested in a $4 chain.

April said...

phycially crying here....so funny !! I have a wild and heck 3 yr.old ....I feel ya !!

Carol said...

I am beside myself with laughter.... solidarity, sister!

Ashley said...

yeah, I know I have to find a way to keep him in. Unfortunately we just got a really nice new front door and I was hoping not to have to put any unnecessary holes in it, but since beating him isn't working, I guess I'll have to reconsider.

Sandi said...

You just described my Gun-Gun. I like to say that he's Karma for all the evil things Hubby and I have done in our lives. Good luck.

elaines630 said...

That does sound like parent abuse! But I do have to thank you for posting about that. Seeing people with their cute newborns gets my clock ticking... until I remember (thanks to you) that they do in fact grow up and arent so cute at times.

Mamahut said...

Hi Ashley, I am sure you have heard this before, but it will get better. My son is 12 now. Only God knows how he made it this far. He got stitches in his head because he was running like a maniac to get away from me and hit a wall...I could tell stories for hours, but the thing you need to know now is that he is a very mellow guy now! yay...I'm still on anti-depressants...but I like it that way ; )

Anonymous said...

You can try this thing out... in his crib, not your bed, of course! http://totallyabsurd.com/babycage.htm

If this won't work, then there are tons of other "great" baby inventions in the archive (http://totallyabsurd.com/archive.htm) at totallyabsurd.com.

Have fun looking!!

Casey

Maggie said...

Boarding school. ASAP.

mandatalksalot said...

I am in NO way anti-spanking (in fact I used spanking on both my girls and it was QUITE effective)....that said, if he has "no reaction" as you say, might you not be better to try something different? Every kid reacts to different things. If pain isn't his, then why hit him just to make you feel better about it? Find something that gets HIS attention (if you can). Just my two cents, and again I'm NOT anti-spanking, just pro-child specific discipline.

Jazz said...

I snorted out loud several times reading that! Hilarious! (well, probably not for you, but for the rest of us)

txchic said...

I'm so sorry that I find humor in this post. Mostly b/c I have so been there!! I also have a "spirited" 3 1/2 year old!! It's so hard to find their currency and what is meaningful to them. OMG!! Best of luck, prayers, and {hugs} b/c there just is no magic answer with a child like this....I like that nap time (or any other time)=drinking time!! You might want to get a kegerator!!