Thursday, August 9, 2012

The Impersonator

I met with the boys' new principal today. I was very nervous because I am not "that" parent and don't particularly like "those" parents, for the most part. But my kids are the most beautiful, special children in the world and require special accommodations, naturally.

I feel very accomplished now that it's over though, like I successfully impersonated an adult-- when will I start feeling like a real grown-up? I'm 33 and have 2 (bigger) kids and many life experiences, yet  managing to act like a serious grown-up in a meeting still feels like a triumph to be celebrated.

(And now I'm belittling my own accomplishment of subterfuge. Do you see how tiring it is to be this neurotic?)

Sometimes when driving around in my SUV, I have startling moments of self awareness, like, "What the fuck am I doing driving 4000 pounds of steel around with my kids in the back like it's no biggie? Singing 'Call Me Maybe' while doing 50 miles per hour on a narrow strip of asphalt with a bunch of other distracted idiots driving thousands of pounds of metal too? Who thought this was a good idea?!"

And people even dumber than me are permitted to do this too, that's truly scary. 

I think that about parenting all of the time, when I have those crippling moments of self-doubt that pop up about decisions: "People dumber than me do this every day," I think and then I just do what I think a smart person would do. It's both a comforting and terrifying thought.

So, I don't know, don't tell anyone but I'm pretty sure I'm not actually a certified, qualified, real live "grown-up" since I feel deceitful when I actually manage to pose as one.

I'm pretty sure I'm also officially "that" parent now, or pretending to be one.


christi said...

I am 38 ( and 1/2 as my kids point out) and I still feel like the impostor too. I do all the "mom" things I am supposed to do and all the "real grown up" stuff too yet I dont feel like one. Like you, I give myself a big fat secret pat on the back for puling one over on those dumbass real adults! lol

Stationary Runner said...

Ha, I feel the exact same way! Like a little kid in a grown-up's body. When I go to a parent-teacher conference or do my taxes or whatever, I find myself giggling internally - like, Who in their right mind thinks I should be doing this? And sometimes as a mother, I act like a child... Is it responsible to trade poop jokes with your kid?

asnell said...

Sadly at 42 I can relate. I am a mom of two and a college instructor (for 20 years) and can't believe they let me teach others. I hear I am pretty good at it.

I also don't think I will ever need reading glasses or hit menopause like those "grown up types".

MTGrace said...

Isn't it horrifying to realize that you're supposed to be an adult right now and you still feel like a little kid playing dress-up? Even more horrifying is realizing that with everyone else your age feeling that way, your PARENTS probably felt (still feel??) the same way!!

Some days I just want to hide in the corner with my blankie, sucking my thumb.

Wiley37 said...

I am 45 with 16 year old twins. I find myself giving them advice on when it is time to leave the party. So far the obvious question - How do you know these things? has not come up. Maybe they are afraid of the answer. Kerry