Monday, December 10, 2012

Wanted: Harold Hubert Piggybottom

Well, the holidays are upon us.

(How?!? How on earth is this possible? We just did this, people! And I like the holidays, I just need more time in between. A year isn't enough these days.)

The kids have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of our elf, Harold Hubert Piggybottom. They were positive he would arrive December 1st and when he didn't, there was some concern. By December 2nd they were positively morose, despite me telling them that Harold was probably extremely busy...and possibly really worn out from last year still. Maybe Harold was coming later in the month. On December 3rd, Big Kid sadly said, "Maybe I'm just too old for an elf."


I said maybe we'd get a new elf, a sweet elf that just hangs out not doing much. 

They both made it clear that they wanted Harold and only Harold.

Sigh. Oh, Harold. Why did you have to be You should have been a normal, quiet elf, Harold. You should be an example to other elf foster parents everywhere, Harold.

I urged the boys to write a letter to Santa, maybe they would get some clarification on whatever was going on or perhaps Harold was MIA, sneaky little punk that he can be. Then we would mail it and it would take a while for it to get there and for a response to be returned to us.

The letter says:

Dear Santa Claus,
We are wondering if Harold is coming to our house. He didn't come the 1st, the 2nd or even today. We are getting worried, could you please send him soon, please? We understand if he's too busy working with Rudolph, Comet or Vixen or Dancer, Prancer or any of the other reindeer.


Unedited exclusive

(Big Kid was supposed to be born Canadian, I swear. "Uh, we really want our elf...but if you need him, that's cool, sorry, cheers!")

They were pretty irritated that the North Pole takes a long time to respond, but they finally got a reply. I would take a photo but my phone just doesn't want to, so whatever. There's letterhead and quality paper and everything, folks.

Season's greetings! Thank you for inquiring about Harold Hubert Piggybottom, we are quite relieved to hear you are looking forward to his arrival.

There was an incident with the reindeer that has forced us to reassign Harold to the mailroom and due to the high volume of incoming Christmas lists, mailroom elves are not sent out until the 10th of December. I apologize for not getting this information out to you sooner and for any concern it may have caused...we have had quite the hectic month up here.

We must request that you not keep Red Bull or other energy drinks in your home this season, if at all possible. Harold fed Red Bull to the reindeer one night with near disastrous consequences; the sleigh is simply not calibrated to handle that type of velocity. Can you imagine a team of 9 flying reindeer hopped up on caffeine? No, no you can't. Rudolph's nose was lit up for a solid week! It was awful, the stable master may never forgive him. Harold claims he was trying to improve productivity, but he was fascinated with the Felix Baumgarten space jump. Anyway, we strongly advise you to avoid it. And the warning from last year about power tools still stands. As you know, Harold loves Christmas and has a very good heart but sometimes makes questionable choices. Please be a good influence on him with your own excellent behavior.

Again, we greatly appreciate your continued participation in the Elf Live in Foster Service. Harold enjoys his time with your family and the Florida weather agrees with him. And we get a lot done around here in his absence!

Please keep an eye out for his arrival. Or should I say up?

Fa La La La La, La La La La,
Bristol Pinelin Treebright

So, it looks like Harold's coming back.

Which is wonderful, because who doesn't need even more magic during the holiday season? Hmm? Right? It will be awesome, I'm sure. Really. I can't wait to see his creepy little face again. Can. Not. Wait.


Merry Christmas.

(Here's the history of Harold Hubert Piggybottom, in case you're new.)


Kerrie said...

Yay, I was hoping we'd see Harold this year!

Sarah said...

I cannot even tell you how much I love your elf posts. You rock.

Sasha said...

Props on delaying Harold's arrival. That was crafty!

Theresa said...

Yay! I'm glad Harold is back!

asnell said...

I've been waiting for Harold. Here are two easy things I stole from the Internet that you can do with Harold. (your are so cool you probably already know them..)

1. Strap him into the seat belt in the car so they see him on way to school. This was great this morning after my son looked all around the house and thought he was gone for good.

2. Have him hang over a picture frame. Use Expo marker to mark up the faces, draw mustaches, write messages, etc on the glass. Easy clean up!

Go Christmas magic! They will grow up soon enough.

Katie said...

I can't believe your kids have actual names that aren't Big Kid and Little Kid. That just rocked my world.

Robin said...

I read the letter and was like 'who are Chase and Tanner?' Then, it hit me-that's Big Kid and Little Kid! LOL I'm not sure I can get accustomed to them having real names. Which is which, if you don't mind telling us?

Unknown said...

Haha, regarding the names, I'm more worried about Google than creepy people so I figured an image is okay and a holiday treat for you all. C is Big Kid and T is little kid. :-)