The Great Elf on the Shelf Break-Up

The elf on the shelf--it began easily enough: a flurry of  imagination and excitement, visions of a new avenue to pave with fond family memories. And so year after year, this delightful little visitor would show up to make mirth, merriment and messes in my home during the busiest of seasons. His antics were great fun, and all of the labor that went into his amusing tableaus was absolutely worth the joy it brought.

Eventually, it was less fun though.

So many December nights of sleep interrupted with a start--had he moved? What would he do next? Did he have to?

So many tired mornings where his creativity was awarded with a cursory glance and barely a comment before the day began.

So many craft supplies. Glitter can kiss my ass, for real, yo.

And so this year, when thinking of Christmas, Harold Hubert Piggybottom was no longer a tradition that made me light up with holiday excitement. At all. There was some mention of his possible arrival from my 8-year-old and I listened with trepidation to these requests, and tried to gauge their sincerity. My 11-year-old was media blackout-style quiet at any mention of Santa or elves, his silence saying more than words could.

I wondered if the ELFS program was a good idea. I wondered if we could un-enroll. I wondered if our Christmas tradition had the potential to ruin Christmas for one of us. I wondered if Santa answered adult wishes, namely the one where he doesn't send a miniature terrorist to my home to create more work for me every single night. I wondered so many things because that is what my brain does, wonders and wonders and wonders.

And then Christmas magic happened.

We arrived home from having after school ice cream to find a package on our doorstep.

 Both kids started cheering that it must be Harold, since the package was so festive and had his name on it, and I was really nervous for what was to come next.

Once the sack was opened, a balloon floated out with a scroll tied to its end. The scroll said:

Season's greetings! For years now, you have been outstanding members of the E.L.F.S (Elf Live-in Foster Service) program: always willing to share your home, accepting and patient even with one of our more challenging elves, and a shining example of good behavior to Harold Hubert Piggybottom, aforementioned challenging elf. We are so fortunate to have children like you welcoming the magic of Christmas in such an intrusive, and often messy, way. We have learned so much about your family, culture, and the lives of modern children through your participation--and, let's face it, we got a lot done without Harold around. If you think he's challenging for a few weeks, imagine what we deal with the rest of the year! You have been amazing hosts.

 Anyway, we are honoured and excited to announce that this year marks a very special occasion for the McCann brothers. Due to your kindness, diligence, respect for others, and believing natures, you have both been awarded an honorary elfship and have graduated from the ELFS program. What does this mean, you ask?

Well, in order to qualify, nominees had to be in the top 5% of children for good behavior this year. That's WORLDWIDE! You scored in the 96.7 percentile collectively, which is extraordinary. Congratulations on your secured places on the nice list!

(Please open the enclosed gifts before continuing.)

At this point they paused and opened the boxes.

And found silver coins nestled within (within Easter grass, which is STRICTLY forbidden in this house, even more so than glitter. Seriously, Santa?).

There was some hushed awe as they flipped them over in their hands and marveled at the weight. I continued reading:

 These silver coins are tokens from Saint Nicholas himself (currently known as Santa Claus--modern times forced an image re-branding). In the days of olde, he used to leave tokens like these in the shoes of children to spread the spirit of magic, joy, and love every Christmas Eve. Your job as honorary elves is to continue to practice the spirit of kindness and giving to spread peace on earth. It is essential that the children on the good list help establish our future through their strong leadership skills and we know the McCann brothers are up to the job.

(Yes, it's real silver. Try not to pawn the spirit of Christmas, though, okay? Santa hates seeing these things on ebay.)

Your honorary elf names are Tippy Tannerick Trueluck and Chip Chaseton Chariot. We don't expect you to put that on your driver's license or anything; it's a designation similar to when the Queen of England knights rock stars, and does not afford you lodging or employment at the North Pole.

I'm sure you are wondering what this means for your friend Harold Hubert. Well, we are also proud to announce that other than an "accidental" incident with a silly string machine (please note: we are no longer gifting silly string or any variation thereof due to its high flammability rating), his behavior has been exemplary. He has been nominated as community leader and will be the co-pilot for this year's present drop, which is a great honor. His excitement is infectious, we are all hopeful and optimistic about his new role!

Harold loves you both and has vowed to verify your names on the nice list each year, but I have to confess that as of now, Harold isn't allowed near the lists so I'm not sure why he promised that. But maybe one day, right? (Note to self: double check the security of the list vault.)

One last thing, your confidentiality in this matter is of the utmost importance. If other children knew about this honor, their behavior may be influenced for the sake of a prize which is not true niceness, so we ask that you not share this exciting news with your classmates or online. You may tell adults, as most have lost their magic and may not believe you anyway, which is an unfortunate symptom of growing up. As honorary elves, we know that you will become the type of adults who help keep magic alive.

Thank you for inviting us into your delightful home. Please continue to make life magical. Harold Hubert Piggybottom will always live on in your hearts and will be watching...from a safe distance. Have the merriest of Christmases, this year and always.

                                                                    

"Wow," I concluded. "This is insane, I've never heard of anything like it. The top 5%? Wow, you guys, congratulations. That silver coin is amazing."

"I'm pawning mine on eBay," Big Kid stated, as I gave him a look he ignored.

"Dude, this is a collectible. You sell it on eBay and you'll get the value of the silver but if you hold on to this thing, bro, it's gonna be worth a ton of cash some day. I wonder when our elf is coming?" little kid said.

My heart sunk a bit. I thought the message had been clear. "Uh, I don't think an elf is coming," I picked up the scroll again. "It says you've graduated, I think that indicates that you've moved beyond needing an elf--"

"Well, that's sad." His face fell.

"But you got the silver," I reminded him.

"Yes!!" His smile returned. "Now I will get silver every year, probably with a different design on it. That's a pretty good deal."

"Well, I don't know. I'm not sure you get the silver every year."

"Oh, I'm sure that I do. It's like a special club. Where you get silver every year."

"Hmm." Okay, I reminded myself, it's a small price to pay.

"I'll sell mine on eBay every year," Big Kid said again.

"Then I bet you won't get more than one because it said not to sell them on eBay," I said, with a hard edge in my voice. He smirked at me.

"Now I KNOW Santa is real because there is no way parents could get their hands on a collectible like this," little kid said with wonder in his voice, turning the coin over in his hand again before shining it on his shirt. "It's going to be so hard not to tell the other kids but I don't think we should, bro. But I don't think anyone in my class is in the club, because they would've told me. Mom, can I write Santa a thank you note?"

I told him he could. I wanted to write him one as well.

It said:  

Neither child liked their honorary elf name. The silver has been mentioned a few times since the arrival of the package, but the elf has not.

                                      
And that's how we broke up with our elf on the shelf. Our time with Harold was magical and I don't regret it--I'm just happy the relationship ended before the magic did.

Click here to read more about our life with Harold Hubert Piggybottom.

Christmas Magic

This has been the craziest holiday season ever. It's Christmas Eve, and I still don't even own wrapping paper. I'm hosting this year too...hope people are ready to sit on laundry and eat cookie dough straight from the tube because that's about what I can offer at this point.

(Just kidding, in a desperate and heroic act, I took all of the laundry to the laundromat to catch up. While there I was invited to have a Corona, to go out salsa dancing, and proposed to so that was exciting despite having to turn all of those kind offers down, since I had the kids with me. My guests will sit on clean laundry, though, at least.)

Friday was a completely exhausting day, I had little kid's Christmas musical (so sweet. I ugly cried as is tradition), I had to assist a yoga class (I did okay but felt like a creepy weirdo because getting all up on sweaty strangers will do that to you), and ended up with three amazing job opportunities--all unrelated to one another and completely out of left field too. I feel grateful but also a little bit like, "Whoa there, universe! Slow down!" I still haven't figured out what to do about these job offers, but it's a nice position to be in.

Then once I finally reunited with my couch, Mr. Ashley walked in. He was carrying a plastic bin. Inside of the bin was my Christmas gift:

To say she was a surprise would be a ginormous understatement. She was such a surprise that it took a few minutes to get myself together enough to express joy because my tired brain was too confused to make the right faces.

I named her Lola Artemis. She's only 6 weeks old, and she is teensy and sweet. No one but me likes the middle name Artemis, and I like that, because it proves she is MINE. I love her! So do the cats.

I know a lot of you have been wondering about our elf, Harold Hubert Piggybottom. To be honest, in my heart of hearts, I was kind of hoping he would die in a tragic reindeer-related accident this year. I asked the kids what they thought about Harold this year--would he come or was it time to let him move on to another family? Big Kid agreed it was time to let him move on. little kid got upset and swore it wouldn't be Christmas without him.

Sigh.

And little kid got his Christmas wish, late because Harold works in the mail room and those elves don't get as much time off, but Harold did come...in like a wrecking ball:

 

 He carried a note:

little kid loved that. I don't like toilet humor, so I didn't like it.

The next night he was good, just hanging out with Lola. But maybe I forgot to take a picture. I might have been super tired that night.


But then he saran wrapped the toilet, which could have been a disaster had little kid had one of his sleep walking episodes.

The night after that, he used my cell phone to take a sELFie. Weirdo.

And then he insulted Big Kid by replacing him in the family Christmas card:

The night before Christmas Eve, Big Kid mentioned that they hadn't gotten the videos about whether they were on the naughty or nice list. He seemed genuinely concerned. I was surprised. I looked at him searchingly and said, "Surely, you know? That you're on the nice list, I mean." Seriously?

He had been pretty non-committal about Santa and Harold this year, avoiding much talk of either at all. I thought that was pretty typical at this wise old age of 10. I'm coaching that team of kids at Big Kid's school and one of them mentioned that he didn't believe in Santa and another quickly agreed. I immediately interrupted and said we weren't discussing people's beliefs right now. Another boy piped up that it couldn't hurt to believe and several kids agreed. My own children remained quiet on the subject.

Between assisting another class, a meeting, and a work shift, I was at the yoga studio from 10 to 5:30pm on Monday and had friends over for dinner from 6 to 9ish. I was so beyond tired that night. I wanted my bed desperately.

It was also Harold's last night. Big Kid still didn't know if he was on the naughty or nice list.

 

But, alas, the next morning, Harold had grown a creepy mustache and set up shop near my computer. He even had his Christmas sweater on, a Christmas Eve tradition that he probably almost forgot about until the middle of the night. And oh my goodness, he had a Facebook page! And on that Facebook page, were the kids' videos from Santa. 

They gathered around me on the couch, early in the morning, and watched with great anticipation and palpable relief when it was revealed that all was well, and they were on the nice list. 

In this exhausting, rushed, overwhelmed, always behind holiday season, it ended up being a precious Christmas moment for me, that I will probably cherish always. Maybe one of my last like this, with this little bit of magic, as they grow. 

So I'm glad Harold Hubert Piggybottom didn't die in a fire, after all.

But there have been rumors that he may retire next year. 

I hope you all have a Merry Christmas, and even more important, a relaxing one.

An Elf of a Time

Well, as is our annual tradition, I have fallen far behind on the Harold Hubert Piggybottom posts. It wasn't a very elftastic week in general though.

So, here we go:

The morning after Harold arrived, we found him resting in the nativity:

He was snuggling the baby Jesus, and he had a tiny traveling trunk with him! We opened it, because we didn't think he would mind.

It contained a tank top, a tiny rubber credit card, and a little envelope full of little pictures! I was amazed by the photos. The boys gave them a cursory glance. little kid was more interested in the logistics of using the credit card.

The next day we found him enjoying the Florida experience. And wasting food. He was wearing a straw fedora, glasses, jean shorts and the tank top, and floating in a pool of marshmallows on top of a bagel.

Big Kid was annoyed because that's his reading lamp. little kid was interested in the pool, which even had a drain. little kid was also disappointed by the lack of naughtiness.

The next morning was quite a surprise:

 The tree was surrounded with fluffy stuff!

The cat appreciated this the most. Big Kid said maybe he should just sit on a shelf from now on, and I agreed.

 The next morning he was on the shelf, but he replaced all of our family photos with Zoolander-like photos of himself. Weirdo. Big Kid wants me to replace the family photos pronto. I still haven't done it, and it is rather creepy.

Banksy Harold:

Then Harold tagged the sliding glass doors with snow spray. Not cool because that's my most hated chore, as you can see by the flash reflecting off of the streaks on the glass. Then I decided to be fun mom and let the kids spray the windows with the leftover spray, which was a gigantic mess. little kid miraculously managed to make snow balls with an aerosol spray--Florida kids will go to great lengths.

Big Kid refused to do it at first and I asked why.

"If I graffiti something, it's going to be for real," rule-abiding, property-respecting Big Kid said with a sudden burst of assertiveness.

"What?" I asked, incredulous.

"You know...with spray paint?"

"What are you talking about, Big Kid? You'd be in so much trouble. You could go to jail!"

He looked slightly serious then, like he hadn't realized it was such a big offense. Then he shrugged it off. "Well...I still might do it."

"Uh, no, you wouldn't," I assured him.

What is this? I laugh out loud to imagine sweet Big Kid, who literally cannot tell a lie (boy's got no poker face) spraying gang signs somewhere, but am also fearing for whatever kind of nonsense the next phase of life may bring. So...maybe elf graffiti wasn't the best idea. I guess. Thanks, Harold.

But the next day he brought Coca-cola, which is my favorite. He was even drinking his own itty bitty coke, much to little kid's amazement. We were slightly worried if caffeine was counted in the energy drink warning we received from the North Pole, but the can appeared empty, so what could we do?

Croquet Harold:

This was very cute and not messy. little kid hopes we get to keep his croquet set. I am glad Harold has calmed down.

Then he grew a mustache and brought mustache glasses and chocolate milk straws! He also attached vinyl mustaches to various photos:

 I thought it was funny.

The next day he brought Santa's Coal bubble gum, which really tasted like coal, according to little kid. Not sure when little kid has eaten coal, but I believe him.

Then we found him in front of the computer the next morning, watching video reports from Santa for both boys. He had a small notebook and he had written both their names with "Nice!" next to them, which was a big relief around here. People admitted to being slightly worried about yesterday's coal gum. He had also written "Redbull- Naughty!" so we think he learned his lesson.

This morning we found him under the tree with a book of Christmas stories and two tiny Christmas books of his own. Everyone appreciates books around here, and they were grateful to get a new one. I am grateful that all is calm on the elf front and am glad it's a shorter visit this year.

Phew, I am also glad to be caught up on that! This may be a record in falling behind.

Wanted: Harold Hubert Piggybottom

Well, the holidays are upon us.

(How?!? How on earth is this possible? We just did this, people! And I like the holidays, I just need more time in between. A year isn't enough these days.)

The kids have been eagerly awaiting the arrival of our elf, Harold Hubert Piggybottom. They were positive he would arrive December 1st and when he didn't, there was some concern. By December 2nd they were positively morose, despite me telling them that Harold was probably extremely busy...and possibly really worn out from last year still. Maybe Harold was coming later in the month. On December 3rd, Big Kid sadly said, "Maybe I'm just too old for an elf."

ಠ_ಠ

I said maybe we'd get a new elf, a sweet elf that just hangs out not doing much. 

They both made it clear that they wanted Harold and only Harold.

Sigh. Oh, Harold. Why did you have to be so...active? You should have been a normal, quiet elf, Harold. You should be an example to other elf foster parents everywhere, Harold.

I urged the boys to write a letter to Santa, maybe they would get some clarification on whatever was going on or perhaps Harold was MIA, sneaky little punk that he can be. Then we would mail it and it would take a while for it to get there and for a response to be returned to us.

The letter says:

Dear Santa Claus,
We are wondering if Harold is coming to our house. He didn't come the 1st, the 2nd or even today. We are getting worried, could you please send him soon, please? We understand if he's too busy working with Rudolph, Comet or Vixen or Dancer, Prancer or any of the other reindeer.

Cheers

Unedited exclusive

(Big Kid was supposed to be born Canadian, I swear. "Uh, we really want our elf...but if you need him, that's cool, sorry, cheers!")

They were pretty irritated that the North Pole takes a long time to respond, but they finally got a reply. I would take a photo but my phone just doesn't want to, so whatever. There's letterhead and quality paper and everything, folks.

Season's greetings! Thank you for inquiring about Harold Hubert Piggybottom, we are quite relieved to hear you are looking forward to his arrival.

There was an incident with the reindeer that has forced us to reassign Harold to the mailroom and due to the high volume of incoming Christmas lists, mailroom elves are not sent out until the 10th of December. I apologize for not getting this information out to you sooner and for any concern it may have caused...we have had quite the hectic month up here.

We must request that you not keep Red Bull or other energy drinks in your home this season, if at all possible. Harold fed Red Bull to the reindeer one night with near disastrous consequences; the sleigh is simply not calibrated to handle that type of velocity. Can you imagine a team of 9 flying reindeer hopped up on caffeine? No, no you can't. Rudolph's nose was lit up for a solid week! It was awful, the stable master may never forgive him. Harold claims he was trying to improve productivity, but he was fascinated with the Felix Baumgarten space jump. Anyway, we strongly advise you to avoid it. And the warning from last year about power tools still stands. As you know, Harold loves Christmas and has a very good heart but sometimes makes questionable choices. Please be a good influence on him with your own excellent behavior.

Again, we greatly appreciate your continued participation in the Elf Live in Foster Service. Harold enjoys his time with your family and the Florida weather agrees with him. And we get a lot done around here in his absence!

Please keep an eye out for his arrival. Or should I say up?

Fa La La La La, La La La La,
Bristol Pinelin Treebright

So, it looks like Harold's coming back.

Which is wonderful, because who doesn't need even more magic during the holiday season? Hmm? Right? It will be awesome, I'm sure. Really. I can't wait to see his creepy little face again. Can. Not. Wait.

Yippee.

Merry Christmas.

(Here's the history of Harold Hubert Piggybottom, in case you're new.)

Naughty or Nice

Harold Hubert Piggybottom has been busy around our house! Big Kid thinks he's not as much fun as he was last year but I pointed out that Harold is older, more mature, and may be running out of ideas. Maybe he doesn't want to be a messy troublemaker anymore, hmmmm? Maybe he's tired?

I'm tired, I could see how he would be worn out.

Anyway, here are some of Harold's antics:

Harold made himself a Lego bed and covered himself with a piece of felt little kid drew on earlier in the day and brought some popcorn and Christmas DVDs. Nice! (if you look all the way to the right, you'll see where little kid wrote his name on my coffee table. He insists he didn't. Someone also wrote "dad" at the same time, so Mr. Ashley is also a suspect.)

Harold brought wind-up pooping animal toys into our manger scene. On this same night, he drew on the kids' photos. I was really upset until I realized he used dry erase markers and I do think poop jokes (especially around the baby Jesus) are inappropriate, but I eventually decided the photo graffiti was funny. The kids were upset and offended over their mustaches and demanded I erase them. There was even talk of requesting a new elf next year because that was just so wrong. Naughty.

Harold bowled with friends. The kids were amused by the tiny bowling set. Nice!

Harold zip-lined through the house. Kind of annoying because I was almost decapitated by his zip-line more than once, and I'll need a ladder to get the tack out of the window sill. But mostly nice.

Harold sang Christmas carols with our tree angel. Nice!

Harold brought hot chocolate and made marshmallow snowmen. Everyone liked this! Nice!

Harold brought little bitty donuts!! How amazing and adorable of him! little kid insisted on eating one even though I pointed out that maybe elves have germs or maybe the donuts are stale, but he said they tasted like donuts. Nice!

 

Harold went on a sleigh ride. He's also wearing a crown, not sure what's up with that. Nice.

And then, after a big search for Harold, we found him in the freezer with another little elf!: 

We were super confused about the new elf and I was irritated they used all of the ice cubes because I don't have an ice maker. It's like living in a third world country. They also threw little marshmallows around and all of my ice tasted sweet. I say naughty, but the kids voted nice.

They seemed to be friends because they had a campfire the next night:

 

They even roasted marshmallows. (Elves seem to love marshmallows.) Nice! 

 We still didn't know who the little elf was, but the little punk helped toilet paper our tree the next night: 

 

Naughty! And a waste of toilet paper, which is a precious commodity around here.  It looks like Harold is throwing up gang signs at us. What's his problem?

The next night they were on my computer. I don't really like people (or elves) on my computer. They had googled some pictures of santa's village, reindeer, and elves. They also left a video for Big Kid, which was a huge relief because Big Kid had himself absolutely convinced that he was on the bad list (which is clearly completely irrational because I can't even think of the last time he was in trouble). There was a video from Santa and they ran his name through the nice/naughty machine and he came out nice. I cannot even begin to describe the visible joy and relief on Big Kid's face. Poor guy. Nice. 

And now we're back down to one elf. Em was over the other night and saw our elves and although she had her game face on and didn't cry or pout or show any visible signs of distress, I could tell she was a little sad not to have an elf of her own. I mentioned this to the boys the next day and said her family hadn't managed to get signed up for the elf program and that I planned to help them next year but felt a little guilty that we had 2 elves and she didn't have one. Before I could even finish, they both simultaneously said, "Let's give her one of ours!" without as much as a second thought. So we dropped our new mystery elf on her doorstep and they never wavered in their decision. I was proud of them for it and it left me feeling Christmas-y.  

She ended up getting a letter from the North Pole explaining that there had been a mix-up because she was staying at our house during the time of the elf placement census and her elf's name is Jakob Jingle Giggleglitter. She had suggested we name the little mystery elf Jake, so it's even more magical that it ended up being his actual name! Christmas magic! Nice!