Silence of the Lambs

Is it wrong that when I put sunscreen on the kids I like to say, "It rubs the lotion on its skin, or else it gets the hose again?"

Or is it really, really right?

(I hope it's okay because we've already gone through 16 ounces of sunscreen this summer.)

Fire Starter

I walked into the kitchen earlier and found a lighter on the ground in front of the refrigerator. The lighter is kept up in a cabinet and looking around revealed that one of the kitchen stools had been moved.

I was REALLY angry. Just days ago I made a specific point of telling the kids about a friend of mine whose house burned down when he was 7 and how all he had left were 4 half-melted Star Wars toys. This story made Big Kid weep for 2 days. I finished with a list of things that can start fire and shouldn't be played with, and reminded them that not only could you lose all of your toys but that your family and pets could die. (I tell a lot of scary fire-related stories because fire terrifies me.) Everyone was very solemn and seemed to understand not to ever, ever even touch anything that could start a fire.

"LITTLE KID!!!!" I yelled. He walked into the room wearing pajama bottoms and cowboy boots, smiling nervously. "Why would you touch the lighter?!"

He cocked his head to the side and with a wide grin said, "Because that's just how I roll, baby!"

Word for word, that's what he said.

And it's actually a pretty good answer because that is indeed how he rolls.

It took me a moment to collect myself and to make sure I wasn't showing any signs of being amused. I know I can't encourage his psychopathic tendencies.

But it was pretty funny.

The moral of the story is that I need to find somewhere little kid-proof to hide the lighter.

Maybe the attic?

Back Scratcher

This morning the boys were playing video games in bed while I woke up. Big Kid was at the end of the bed playing and little kid was lying against my back, watching his brother play.

"little kid, will you scratch my back for me?"

"No!"

"I will, mom!" Big Kid offered.

"No, Big Kid! I got dis! The situation is taken care of!" little kid replied, sounding angry.

I waited a few seconds before asking, "So are you going to scratch my back, little kid?"

"No! And Imma make sure Big Kid don't either! I don't wanna but I'm not lettin' him do it!"

Thanks, little kid.

My back is still itchy.

Free Fall

Last week I walked into my bathroom to find a naked little kid standing on my toilet, one foot on either side of the seat, pooping and going through the make-up on the counter at the same time.

"What are you doing?!" I yelled.

"Cleanin' up," he answered.

I angrily explained why long distance pooping was a terrible idea and told him to never ever do it again.

"I do it all a time and nuttin' ever goes bad," he insisted.

"Don't!!!!"

Lo and behold, there was evidence of long distance pooping gone wrong in their bathroom this morning. I was beyond furious and between his habit of nervous laughter and the poop smeared all over the bathroom (he had attempted clean up), I'd say it's a miracle everyone made it out of this situation alive and unharmed.

What is he thinking when he does these things??

Do I even want to know?

Praying Mantis

We went to the pool the other day and there was a dad there with 2 girls who looked around the same age. I'm guessing the girls were probably 12-13 and I believe he may have been their step-dad. They all jumped in the pool and soon he was tossing the girls from his shoulders. I thought it was fun they were all playing together.

Then I heard him say, "You are light as a feather! It's so different from having your sister on my shoulders, it's like having a wild buck up there when she's jumping. You are so light it's like nothing!" and I thought it was kind of a dickish thing to say, but that he probably hadn't realized how it sounded.

I looked up to glance at the heavy one and was surprised to see that I couldn't tell which one would be heavier. The girls were right around the same height and body shape, they may have even been twins. So I watched behind my sunglasses as they continued jumping to see if one was especially clumsy, and I could find no difference in the two girls except that he continued to complain how heavy the one was and even suggested that she start swimming laps daily.

"Have you ever seen a Praying Mantis?" he asked the one he liked. She hadn't. "It's a type of bug, really tall and thin and willowy. Super light! You remind me of one, so skinny."

I hopped in the pool and swam over to Mr. Ashley. "Do you hear this guy?"

"Yes. What the hell is his problem? They're the same size!" he whispered.

I was floating near them again and was trying to think of a way to laughingly say "You're crazy! They're both in great shape!" next time he complained, but I could tell that he was a tough guy who wouldn't have taken it well and that it may have led to additional torture for "the fat one". His wife and her mother eventually showed up and I thought for sure it would stop once they were present, but nope, several more remarks about the size of this perfectly average pre-teen.

After 10 minutes of hearing him insist that he was the only person he knew that couldn't float (because of the size of his muscles--*insert ginormous eye roll here*) and a declaration that only "shit floats" (whispered conspiratorially to the "skinny girl"), Mr. Ashley and I had to leave early because I could no longer control myself from openly glaring at him and snorting in derision.

Interestingly, his wife was wearing a bathing suit she had NO BUSINESS wearing. Maybe homeboy should try suggesting that she swim some laps.

Ninja Poop

Big Kid misheard the word "nincompoop" somewhere and has been calling little kid "ninja poop" lately.

I haven't bothered to correct him because ninja poop is one of the most amusing insults I've ever heard.

I also don't care that name-calling is against the rules when it's something that funny.