Harold Hubert Piggybottom

On Thanksgiving day, we came home and found the following letter on our door:

Dear Masters Big Kid and little kid:

Salutations and season’s greetings to you, my friends! It is getting extra chilly and very busy up here in the North Pole and we are all working very hard to meet our Christmas Day deadline. 

Due to changes in population and policy, I have had great difficulty monitoring behavior for 2010. Mrs. Claus came up with the wonderful idea of sending elves out to some families for the month of December; the elves could use a little vacation (and warm weather with you lucky Florida folks!) and I could certainly use the additional help. 

You have been assigned a very special elf and I hope you are up to the challenge! Harold Hubert Piggybottom is a charming and mischievous fellow…and the mischief is the problem. Harold is on probation, if you will. After repeated incidents, the Head Elf has decided that Christmas preparations would run more smoothly without Harold “helping”, so he has been assigned to do behavior reporting. We are confident that he will not be a problem—but if he is, please don’t hesitate to contact me or Mrs. Claus and we will see about sending out a replacement elf. You will be receiving a Satisfaction Survey along with a summary of your behavior reports, please be kind and fill it out so we can help our elves improve! You may want to keep notes on your experiences in order to accurately complete the survey.

Harold Hubert Piggybottom will be arriving sometime on December 1, 2010. He has strict instructions to be on his best behavior and I hope you will be on your best behavior as well. I am eager to get some positive reports back and I know you are very good boys. I only ask that you NOT touch Harold. Harold Hubert Piggybottom’s magical spirit is inside of an elf-shaped doll and handling the elf will ruin his magic. If you do touch him, he will need to be returned to the North Pole for refurbishing. We do not have time to do elf refurbishing in the month of December, so if you touch Harold you may be without an elf for the rest of the holiday season and that would be unfortunate for everyone. Adults may touch Harold if absolutely necessary; they are mostly immune to magic and won’t tarnish Harold’s. 

Thank you so much for hosting Harold Hubert Piggybottom in your home. I wish you a healthy, happy holiday season…and the best of luck in dealing with Harold.

                                                                                    Ho Ho Ho,

                                                                                   Santa Claus

The boys were very excited. There was much discussion about how the elf would behave, what hosting an elf would involve, how and when he would arrive, how careful they would be not to touch it, etc. I grumbled about getting a naughty elf assigned to us and swore I would send him back if he was more than I could handle. We looked for him first thing this morning but couldn't find an elf anywhere.

Tonight I realized we had forgotten to do the advent calendar so I told the boys to open the first door and Big Kid found 2 little toilets and a note inside. "Where's the chocolate I put in there?" I asked. "What are those and where did they come from? You two know I don't like potty humor! Did you eat the chocolate?"

Before he even read the note, Big Kid (who is normally very fond of potty humor) was furious. He knew That Elf had done this. "HOW DARE HE TAKE MY CHOCOLATE AND LEAVE A TOILET!! This is wrong! It's not right!!"

little kid was curious and amused.

The note read:

I am here. But where? 

Ready to meet you, with heart and soul

Hanging out somewhere sort of like the North Pole

Fondly,

Harold Hubert Piggybottom

Big Kid stormed to the freezer and flung the door open, calming down only slightly when he saw that the elf had his chocolates in there.

"It's still not right that he taked our chocolates! I'm writin' a letter to Santa right now! I'm gonna put it in a envelope and stick a stamp on there and mail it to the North Pole. He needs to know!" He stomped to the office to get paper and a pen.

"Mama, can I make a pwesent for Ha-old? Usin' paper? 'Cuz I want him to like me. I like him," little kid asked. I said that he could.

Big Kid's letter said:

Dear Santa,

Hubert Harold Piggybottom swapped our chocolates in our treat count down with stupid rubber toilets. You better give us a better elf next year!

Sincerely,
Mad Big Kid

P.S. I do not care if Piggybottom feels bad about it.

Seeing that this situation was quickly spiraling out of control, I sided with our creepy and inappropriate elf friend for a moment and pointed out that Harold probably thought the whole thing would be funny; that I didn't like potty humor and they did so maybe he was trying to get on their good sides. And after all, he hadn't taken the chocolate. I agreed that we needed to mention this on our elf satisfaction survey, so Harold can do better next year but I wasn't convinced that the ranting and raving was necessary just yet.

By this time, little kid had drawn an elf picture and shoved the paper into the Christmas tree and somehow  smeared chocolate all over his tiny toilet, which he then happily licked off. This was one of the most revolting sights I've ever seen and his toilet now has bite marks in it.

At bed time Big Kid said, "Hey mom? I might like Harold. It's too soon to tell but maybe he's okay."

"Good. I think it could be fun." I answered.

"I'm still tellin' Santa about the toilet thing though."

I'm hoping tomorrow with Harold will go a little better.

(But Big Kid will probably never forgive him for the toilet trick.)