In the car today, we pulled up right next to an accident at a stoplight. The cars were being loaded onto a tow truck and the spilled gas or oil or whatever comes out of a car was being covered with something like sand. It suddenly smelled horrendous.
"What the heck is that stuff that would make it smell so bad? That's really bad, our windows are up and everything," I remarked.
"That's little kid's feet, he just took his shoes off," Big Kid answered.
I thought he was joking at first because it was so amazingly bad that my mind couldn't comprehend that it could come from one of my sweet children. He wears Sanuks with no socks, not a good combination, I guess, despite looking cute. "No!" I insisted. "little kid, are your shoes off?"
"Yes," he said sheepishly.
"Wow!! Put them back on RIGHT NOW. I am not even kidding. Those shoes need to go straight into a fire when we get home."
"They're not that bad!" He said.
"They are! It is horrible, like, maybe the worst thing I've ever smelled. Those feet could gag a maggot, dude, for real." I told him.
"What do they smell like?" He asked. Because, what? He couldn't smell them? Is that even possible? I don't think it is.
While I was trying to think of a good comparison, Big Kid piped up. "Like Satan's anus," he said, chillingly casual.
It was a damn good comparison but I was shocked to hear him say that.
"Big Kid!! You can NOT say that!"
"Really? Why can't I say that? It's a body part." He was genuinely surprised at my objection.
"Satan's anus," little kid tried out.
"LITTLE KID! For real, you just heard me say he can't say that, you know you can't say that. In a minute people will be grounded from the computer, I'm not even kidding."
"Mom, we should be able to say it. There's even a planet named after the anus. You know -- Uranus?" little kid contributed.
I was having a hard time keeping it together by now because I was both upset and on the verge of cracking up.
Big Kid stepped in again. "It's not named after her anus or anyone's anus and the proper pronunciation is now like Urine-ness. Which just sounds like urine, so I am not sure it's any better."
"I'm still going to say Uranus like your-anus. You can't say we can't say Uranus, mom."
"She said we can't say 'Satan's anus.' That's the one that's not allowed, right, mom?"
"Right." I really just wanted to go back to listening to the radio by then.
So, I'd say we could add that one to the list of parenting fails.