Thursday, October 28, 2010

Desperation

One of my major problems this week is severe back pain.

It's like one of my hips (or maybe my whole pelvis? I don't know anatomy, something is fucked up--that's as technical as I can get about it) is crooked or out of place and I'm in terrible pain. When I cough or sneeze, I have to brace myself and I feel like I'm going to pass out because it hurts so bad. It hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, it hurts to lie down, it hurts to walk. It hurts all of the time.

When I have to drive, I stand and stare at my SUV with trepidation, knowing that getting up into it is going to make me want to throw up. Last night as I was lying in bed, it was so impossible to find a comfortable position that I wanted to cry.

I was looking for an affordable solution online last night and encountered the web page of a fat, gray, 70-some year old man with a handlebar mustache who gives free nude massages on his back porch. He likes to be nude when he does the massages. And my first thought was, "Looks legit. I wonder if he could help my back."

Seriously. I would do anything for it to stop hurting.

Including allowing a creepy, nude senior citizen to rub my naked body.

For real. It's bad.

16 comments:

Ellie Di said...

Hit the chiropractor. Even if it's not covered by insurance, it's about $50 bucks, and it's 100% worth it. Feel better!

Anonymous said...

Try acupuncture. I have sciatica and although it’s not a cure it’s the only thing that takes away the pain. The little needles expertly placed make the inflammation go away. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

I second the chiropractor! If your pelvis is misaligned they can help put it back in place. Sorry :(

Jamie

Anonymous said...

Sorry! It does sound like sciatica. At the very least, you should be taking an anti-inflamatory, like ibuprofin, every 6 hours.

Rena said...

drugs. and acupuncture. ice works too - in a glass with vodka.

Furiously Curious said...

I am so sorry, Ashley. That sounds like pure hell. :(

jules said...

Hi Ashley,

You describe all symptoms I have had before. It really sucks. My savior is the chiropractor, seriously. I had to be dragged kicking and screaming at first as I was not a believer, but now I am a card-carrying, bible thumping, soapbox-climbing advocate of the chiropractor. Please try it.

Fell better- Jules

Cindy said...

Poor Honker! I get this too. I call it "Old Lady Hip." I have to grab the side of the mattress to be able to roll myself over in bed.

I also vote chiropractor (and ibuprofen). My guy fixes me RIGHT UP when this happens. He is not nude, although I'm not sure many of his patients would be opposed to it. (He's tall and muscular).

Sciatica doesn't feel as much like you are crooked, but more like a shooting pain down the back of your leg. Chiropractors can also assist with that though.

Ask your friends in the area for a good referral STAT. If anyone acts weird, remember that there are quacks in every profession, but there are tons of great chiropractors out there!

Good luck! xo

jennyandcompany said...

yep, chiropractor. but find one that doesn't do all the popping and cracking. I have one that barely touches you, I jokingly call it voodoo, but I'm sure there is a real name for what she does. She is amazing.

Anonymous said...

Ouch, kind of sounds like a herniated disc. I've had one and it's horrendous - just like you describe. Even without any treatment, it does improve with time.

Kara said...

I also recommend the chiropractor. Most have a cash price if your insurance doesn't cover it - generally around $40. Feel better!

jill said...

I know this sounds weird but I had all this pain and it was my gall bladder. I did not have the normal symptoms of nauseau, vomiting....i had lower back and side pain beyond belief. I finally sucked it up and had it removed and have never had pain agian. Just a thought and I hope you feel better.

Jennifer said...

Ewww, naked old man. I'm sure you would be cured just looking at him. Blech.

I think I'll second the whole chiropractor thing.

Anonymous said...

Chiropractor, totally. In the meantime? Ice and ibuprofen.

Joy said...

CHIROPRACTOR!!! In the mean time alternate ice/heat and take ibuprophen.

Mom2Gizmo said...

Chiropractors are great, but so are Physical Therapists...I would recommend a trip to your doc to have them refer you to PT. Insurance covers PT with a script and they can not only adjust and help you, but give you strengthening exercises and tips to KEEP IT FROM HAPPENING AGAIN!
(I'm married to a PT, can you tell?)
Hope you feel better!!