"Mom, I keep thinking of something really disgusting and it makes my stomach hurt," Big Kid said.
Sigh. "That broken egg over in the refrigerated section? I'll tell them it's there and a store employee will deal with it. We didn't do it, it's not hurting anyone, think of something else."
"No. Something in school that happened."
"What happened in school? Maybe if you say it out loud, your brain can stop thinking about it."
"Okay," taking a deep breath. "In music class, our teacher is making us," another deep breath, furtive glances around to see if anyone is listening. My heart starts racing, "sing this song...it goes Skinnamarink a dink a dink, skinnamarink a doo, I looooove you." I joined in and sang the rest of it because I know this one. He looked surprised.
"Okay, and?" I asked. "What was disgusting?"
He looked at me in disbelief. "It's not even February!"
"Singin' a song about lovin' people in October?! Come on, mom. You know that's weird!"
"You're weird. I love you in October. I don't see the problem with this."
"Have you heard the song, mom? How it's all, like, in little kids' voices? You don't know what you're talking about. It's disgusting! I don't feel right singin' it and you said I didn't ever have to do anything I felt uncomfortable with or thought was inappropriate, so I just pretend to sing. But I wish my music teacher could just sing somethin' else!"
"This is one of your weirdest things ever, Big Kid. I don't really care if you sing it or not but there is nothing inappropriate or uncomfortable about this, really."
little kid, upon realizing that our attention had been diverted from him for more than 60 seconds, began to make smooching sounds at Big Kid.
"Mom, he's making gross sounds at me because he knows I don't like that song! Make him stop!"
"little kid, please stop."
SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH
"Aaaaah! He's trying to kiss me now. Mom, mom, he's not listening to how you told him to stop. little kid--this is not appropriate! You will get a time out for this! Mom, mom, tell him he'll get a time out."
"Seriously you two, stop it. Act like gentlemen in this grocery store or else. I am not kidding, don't test me today."
SMOOCH SMOOCH SMOOCH
"LITTLE KID!" said Big Kid and I.
"little kid, get off of me! Stop kissing me!" Big Kid shrieked.
"That's it, I'm taking your men away when we get home."
"NOOOOOO! Mama, no! I promise I stoppin' now. No more kissin' my bubby. NOOOOO!"
"No, you got several warnings. If you want them back, you'll be good."
"Mom, the smooching wasn't that big of a deal. I don't think you should take his men."
"No, he needs to learn to listen. Please don't get involved."
"NOOOOOOO! MUMUM, NOT MY MEN!! NOOOOOOOOOOO. WAAAAAAH. NOOOOO!"
Big Kid gave me a dirty look. "little kid, you can have Zumby." (His favorite, most beloved toy.)
"Big Kid, he's in trouble for harassing you! You shouldn't reward him."
"I don't think you should take his men away though."
"You are not the parent! This conversation is over, you two are out of control."
"Bubby...Zumby isn't enough toys for me," said a sniffly-nosed little kid. "I needs lots of toys."
"I know, little kid. I'm so sorry. You can have all of my toys."
"WAAAAAH! What if mama takes those away? I want my men!"
"I have $75 saved up and I will buy you all new toys, little kid! Don't worry, we're brothers and I'll help you."
Despite wanting to beat both of them right there in the middle of the grocery store, it was pretty sweet to see that Big Kid can even love his little brother in October.
(See why I hate grocery shopping?)