Thursday, February 7, 2013

The Opposite of Inner Peace

My desire to do yoga has intensified tremendously. I want to do yoga everywhere, in every studio, in every city, in every country of the world! I want to go to yoga workshops! Not because I am enjoying the actual process of yoga so much (in fact, at some point in every class I think, "Why the hell am I here? How did I forget that I don't like this that much?"), but because yoga people are amazing(ly weird.)
And I do like the meditation at the end. As long as there's no Shania Twain or incense (and thankfully, there hasn't been).

There was an assistant teacher at today's class. She was tall and very slender and otherwise plain, and had the clean natural look a lot of yoga people prefer.

During the warm up she came around and massaged my neck and shoulders and lightly played with my hair. I'm a little weird about physical contact with strangers but it felt good so I just tried to let go of my awkwardness and enjoy it.

So then she walked around and helped us hold our poses. Okay, I thought, two teachers for the price of one. I will really be learning yoga now!

Oh, and did I.

Now keep in mind that I have done yoga 4 days this week. Before this, I literally barely left my couch for the entire month of January due to a fractured toe (which is 300 times more painful than it sounds). So I am very sore and not at my strongest. I'm also still kind of new so I do need some gentle guidance.

What I absolutely did not need was her mounting me. During a series of Warrior poses (standing, legs spread and bent, arms outstretched) she got so close to me that her knees fit into the hollows of mine, I could feel her pubic mound on my back, and her breath in the little hairs on the back of my neck. She was gently cradling me so we were doing the pose together (against my will). Add to this that I am covered in sweat and trembling uncontrollably from muscle fatigue. I was freaking out at the weirdness, in pain from the pose, unable to disengage, and really scared I was going to fall and bring both of  us down. And did I mention that I was shaking like crazy while being humped by this stranger? It was awkward, to put it lightly. To put it oh so very lightly.

During a Goddess pose, she went to put her hands on my trembling inner thighs and I just went ahead and plopped to the floor, reaching for my water, while she waited there at the end of my mat because apparently she thought I was getting back up. I wasn't.

At the end of the class, we were sitting indian style (or whatever politically correct and/or actual yoga thing they are calling it now) and we were leaning forward into the stretch, trying to touch our foreheads to the floor. I really was concentrating on the stretch but something in the row ahead of me caught my eye...

The assistant was perched upon someone's rounded back, her feet not touching the floor, her body curled around theirs, pressing them forward into the ground with her own weight--like a little yoga goblin. I just stared. The teacher reminded me to relax my neck and I ignored her. I glanced around for my yoga bag, desperately wanting my cell phone for a photo even though I'd most likely get caught and kicked out of the studio forever. The teacher said something about letting gravity pull our heads down toward the earth and I ignored her. She then said we should close our eyes, clearly talking to me at this point, and I wanted to say, "No! I won't! We've got a yoga gargoyle making its rounds, I'm not missing this!" but I bowed my head and stared warily at the yoga goblin through my parted eyelashes. Lucky for me, she stayed at her post on the prone back of my helpless classmate, smiling with a delighted inner peace that I may never feel.

People, I'm going to have to find a way to continue membership at this yoga studio. Forget exercise and tranquility, $175 a month is a bargain for this kind of blogging inspiration. We need this.

You do not get a yoga goblin for the cheap gym yoga price of $10, you just don't. So I'm going to have to be a yoga person.

13 comments:

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

OMG this is your funniest post ever!

KK

asnell said...

I agree with PP Croc...hilarious stuff. My kids came in the room to see what was up. I hold firm to hating Yoga and now hating Yoga goblins. Where can we donate to keep you in this place?

Sasha said...

I am scared of her. Are you SURE you want to go back?

Ashley said...

It is very selfless of me, Sash, kind of like those journalists that go out into a war zone. I don't want her on me at all but I am curious to see what else she/they will do.

Nova said...

You are going to have to fashion some sort of yoga-pant spy camera for next time.

binajabber said...

Oh my, I'm howling with laughter. A little yoga goblin. How I wish you'd had your cell phone ready. Pure gold!

Mandi said...

Oh my gosh...that was hilarious. My coworkers think I'm crazy. Your blog makes me happy :)

Jamie McGinnis said...

I agree with Nova! We need to discuss this and make it happen, lol.

Kellie Fox said...

Dear Lord, I had to stop, at the point where you 'didn't need her humping me' to text a friend, see if she had read this yet? I am laughing, snorting and crying all at the same time. This is better than all that useless crap I read online.
Please Please Please, figure out how you can sneak a picture! I dare ya, make that a double dog dare.

Kellie Fox said...

Excuse me.... Whats this approval Shit? Do a post on the 'not approved' comments.

Ashley said...

Kellie, unfortunately the unapproved comments are usually nothing good. All spam, usually written by people who have not even a basic grasp of the english language which occasionally makes them accidentally hilarious.

I'd love to not approve the comments!

JJ said...

I'm dying! This post is hilarious! I agree with you 100% on the yoga people watching thing too, priceless! L. Oh L.

Sasha said...

Ok ok, if it's all for the sake of journalistic integrity, I suppose I can get behind you going again (total pun, not intended, but perfect for the goblin, huh?).