Monday, February 11, 2013

Time Travel

Last night I was sitting on the couch and had a fleeting thought about how fast my boys were growing up, and how quickly it will go (a thought that always saddens me) and for just one second, I had the briefest glimpse in my head of little kid and I dancing, with him as a grown up, at what I assume was his wedding.

It was so real, so crystal clear, so easy to see his adult face and know that I got his adult self right, that I welled up with emotion and sat overwhelmed with tears of joy and sorrow. Just typing about it now has big, fat, involuntary tears rolling off of my face and dripping onto my chest, even though that mental picture of him as a grown-up is already dimming in my head.

Man, motherhood is so damn hard. Forget the day to day drudgery--creating these people and dedicating my very existence to them, knowing that one day that I will have to release them into the world is both beautiful and torturous. I am so incredibly lucky to have them but the passing time feels so unfair and unfortunate.

Why can't it just slow down? Just a bit. I just had these babies.

By the time I actually figure out what I'm doing, it will be over.

I know I have said it about other ages (pretty much everything after 3) and will say it again in the future, but I would keep 6 and 9 forever in a heartbeat. I wouldn't even need a moment to think about it.

11 comments:

Ami said...

Sigh...I just posted on my blog yesterday about how when I think of my kids, I often think of their younger selves - because it always seems like it was just yesterday. And, while the "tomorrow" seems so far away, it is really SO close. I'd keep 8, 4, and 1 1/2 (minus the diapers), too.

Furiously Curious said...

You seem like such a good mom. Your kids are blessed.

Lisalu said...

Awww....I know! My little bitty baby girls are 13 and almost 11. My 13 year old *just* outgrew me in height. She goes to high school in a year and a half. She goes to college in four and a half! Oh no! Wasn't she just in my tummy yesterday??? I don't want to let her go, because it'll be forever! Even if she comes back here and there, or summers, or for a year or two after school, it'll never be the same...it's really starting to hit me now!

Ashley said...

Now I'm choked up for you, Lisalu! LOL!! This morning my husband's cousin posted that it was her son's 17th birthday and that made me tear up for her. In fact, I was far more concerned about how she was than wishing him a happy birthday.

Thanks so much, Furiously, that's so nice to hear because some days I'm not so sure.

Ami, it is close and time just goes faster and faster. :-/

Nikky said...

Now I'm all sad and stuff. My nugget is only 8 months old, but I'm pretty sure at this rate he'll be in college next week.

I had a single mom and took care of my 5 (6-12 years behind me) younger siblings as a teenager while she worked, and the youngest of them will be in high school next year. I'm still reeling from THAT. I can't imagine my baby that old.

asnell said...

Ugh...my big kid is starting to think I'm a little lame and only hugs me in private..:(

My little kid still things I'm great and straddles me like a yoga goblin at night...:)

(I used to get irritated by my little kid until my big kid shunned me totally...now I take whatever I can get...even if no sleep)

Jackie Palmer said...

Wow, good thing Adam Sand sent me here, or I never would have found your blog.

AlexisMorgan said...

Sweet! Enjoy your precious boys. I love reading about their antics. My boys are 27 and almost 23, and baby girl is 20. Time truly flies, but every age is really a joy. I promise you will love them just this much in 10 years!

Ashley said...

But will they still love me this much, Alexis? That is the question. Damn independence!

And I want them to live with me forever. But not as adults. LOL

Trilby said...

I never comment, but I read your blog religiously (which is to say I check in every so often & read everything I've missed while crying/laughing at your sincerity/hilarity!).

HOWEVER - I too have 6 and 9 year old boys, and I want to keep them at these ages forever. For-ever. Things are just so damned perfect right now.

Renee said...

This has been on my mind so much lately, and the word that keeps coming to mind is "savor". I want to savor these moments, these years. Each night when I check on the kids, I stand in their room and listen to the breathing and just soak it all in. Knowing all my kids are under my roof, under my protection, safe and sound. Knowing I'm still a primary influence in their lives. They still think I'm fantastic (most of the time.....). I want to remember how they look, feel, smell, and sound. I love this post. :-)