Saturday, October 19, 2013

Namaste, Bitches

I'm not dead.

I don't think.

I'm also not fully capable of forming thoughts.

The first day of yoga teacher training wasn't so bad. Practice kicked my butt. I had to touch a stranger with my hot, sweaty hands to practice adjustments. I had to teach a series of Sun Salutation B, despite not knowing the process. (I just do what I'm told in class, I don't memorize this shit.)

The worst for me is that I had to stand toe to toe with a stranger, press our palms together, and stare into each other's eyes and breathe. I could barely do it. I laughed too much and sometimes just looked away because it was super freaking awkward. My partner was capable of doing it, but her partner sucked.

I had to pledge my confidentiality to the group, and was asked to trust the process, to not talk shit, and to abstain from any mind-altering substances (not even a glass of wine) until Monday.

Sigh.

At the end we had this group therapy session that was incredibly intense and sad. We're not allowed to give advice or touch people during these sessions (funny how I don't want to touch anyone until they are standing there alone and crying and then I'm ready to knock over our teacher to get to them; I simply can't stand sitting there and watching someone hurt.) There's a lot of staring at a vulnerable, wounded individual and saying things like "I acknowledge you." I suspect the no mind-altering substances is to force us to stew in these emotions and process everything instead of escape it. Fuck.

I desperately fear being that acknowledged individual some day in the future. Shit was IN-TENSE. Needs a hyphen for the drama. I'd rather do an hour of chair pose than do that again. And I hate chair pose.

I got home near midnight and have to be back on my mat at 7:45. I cried quietly during my first class because my old lady hip hurts.

Oddly enough, I'm excited to go back.

5 comments:

Cassadie said...

Um, wow?
Just want to say: best post title. Ever.
And good luck, because damn.

Lisalu said...

Eek. Sounds like it will be more of a mental and emotional challenge than anything! I guess that's why you only do one training a month. Who could do that weekly and not crack?! No matter what, you'll come out a stronger person on the other end!

Renee said...

This sounds life-changing!

Mom Taxi Julie said...

Wow that sounds crazy intense!

Meriam Salama said...

Think what you are doing is fantastic. Go Ashley! xo