Thursday, March 11, 2010

Oh Shucking Hell

The other day as little kid and I were waiting for the bus, he said "Where is that shucking bus?" in frustration. Although it was amusing, I was not impressed and told him that if he ever used that word again I would wash his mouth out with soap.

(We'll have to avoid oyster houses from here on out.)

He was intrigued by that punishment idea and immediately quieted down without arguing (this never happens--there is ALWAYS a counter argument from little kid.)

Today as we waited, he said, "Where is that hell bus?"

"WHAT DID YOU SAY?"

"Uh, I been meanin' to aks you 'bout somefin, mine mumum. Is hell a bad word?"

"Yes! Knock it off with the bad language."

"What should I say then?"

"Something nice like, 'I wonder where the bus is?' or 'Bubby's bus is taking awfully long today.'"

"I wanted to say somefin different than 'at. Somefin mad--but NOT hell since at's a bad word."

"I guess you could say 'heck' if you really have to be angry about it, but I don't see why you can't just wonder where the bus is."

"I'm wondering where 'at heck bus is right now is what I'm wondering!" He answered.

So, his vocabulary is coming along really nicely and I'm clearly doing a great job as a parent.

He talks 150% of the time, only stopping to make suckling sounds in his sleep in between night time mutterings. Every single morning after we drop Big Kid off, we start our day with the following conversation (or some variation thereof):

"I wanna go to a water park a-day!"

"The water park is closed, it's a school day."

"No, it's Saturday! Why you lie? It's Saturday!"

"I'm not lying, it's not Saturday. The water park is closed on week days and besides, it's 57 degrees out."

"It's sunny! The sun is right there! I cannot bewieve you won't take me to a water park a day!"

"It is closed. The answer is no."

"Can we go to the mall?"

"No."

"I wanna go to a mall!"

"I'm sorry. We can't today."

"Take me to baby school. Now!"

"Stop being rude to me. Baby school isn't open. Your teacher isn't even there."

"SHE LIVES THERE!"

"No, she doesn't. She spends 3 hours a week there, only on Monday. Today is not Monday."

"It is Monday! It is too Monday. Mumum, today is Monday."

This usually goes on until I snap and threaten to beat him or turn the radio up ridiculously loud and blatantly ignore him. The other day after we finished the baby school argument, he said, "I wanna go to Bok Bok Bama's house then."

"Barack Obama? You want to go to Barack Obama's house?"

"Yes. Right now."

"Why?"

"Just 'cuz. I wanna see him."

"Well, that would be cool but he's very busy. I'm pretty sure we would need an appointment."

"No, not me! I don't need no pointents, mumum. Do you know where he libs?"

"Where the President lives? Yes, he lives in the White House in Washington D.C."

"Take me there. To his house. I wanna talk to him A DAY!!!"

This led to an entertaining moment where I imagined little kid and I knocking on the White House door and demanding an audience with Barack Obama so little kid could bitch him out about his troubles with the water park and baby school and his brother's shucking bus. But it stopped being entertaining when I had to explain how far away the White House was and how we would have to take an airplane and then defend myself against accusations of lying about not having money for airfare (because he saw $2 in my purse just the other day and didn't even take it from me!).

If the squeaky wheel gets the grease, I think he will grow up to become a man who gets what he wants--if I let him live that long.

11 comments:

Jewelie said...

That is hilarious. I read somewhere that little kids love Obama just because they enjoy saying his name. I wonder how many children of extremely crazy right wing parents loved Obama despite their parents thinking he was a terrorist and a communist, and how many parents felt like failures because of it.

Also, my daughter (3) says crap all the time. I just roll with it. She also says "What the hootie heck?" I like to think she's talking about Darius Rucker.

sarah said...

My oldest is 2 1/2 and talks non-stop; he even talks in his sleep. He is the opposite way with the swearing-if I slip and say something he stamps his feet and yells "Mommy, DO NOT CURSE! DO NOT SAY DAT! DAT IS A BAD WORD!!" Thank goodness I have him to keep me in line.

Duel Living said...

I wuv your kid. He's funnyfunnyfunny!. Don't kill him just yet.

My niece told us awhile back that, "Sharks are little bastards".
How can you argue with that? They are indeed...little bastards.

Kids keep it real.

Anonymous said...

Ok.. this post had me fill my laughing quota TOTALLY!! Hahaha!!! It wasn't even 8 AM, and I had tears, streaming down my face!! Thanks!! What a great start to a Friday!! Love you, Ashley! ~CoCo

Linn Mom of Beasts said...

Let me get this straight, Little Kid is three? Three years old? and he talks like this?! Are you completely bs'ing us all with your mad writing skills, or are you telling me that kid actually talks like that?! Wtf are you raising little genius's?
I can't get my 4 year old to stop peeing himself or attempt to put his damn shoes on! And there is no way in HECK he knows who the president is, my guess is he thinks Diego may be in the running with Dora as his running mate.
I love your blog so I am going to continue to tell myself you are an amazing fiction writer so that I don't shoot myself for being the craptastical mom I must be.

Bleh, now I came off rude and I'm sorry. Maybe I'm jealous. In my defense my kids ped thinks they both maybe Aspergers kids( 6yr and 4yr), so I'm a little...uh stressed right now, sorry. I do love the blog, I read it everyday and had withdrawals while you were gone waiting for century link to pull their heads out of their cash stuffed ass's. Hope this doesn't ruin my chances for the cruise invite, cause I really really need a vacation.

Cindy said...

I wish you were my neighbor. (I totally would not steal your husband.)

xo

Ashley said...

Linn, that was almost verbatim because I wrote it down when I got home! little kid is very sharp and can articulate just about anything. This is 180 degrees different from Big Kid who barely spoke at all, and who probably wasn't diagnosed with something or other simply because his pediatrician was an idiot. They are both smart but in very different ways.

But I doubt this has anything at all to do with my parenting and probably a lot to do with being the beloved little brother of Big Kid the boy genius and his constant teachings. I was shocked to find out the other day that little kid knows who Rosa Parks is because his bubby told him that she was a lady who sat where she wanted on the bus.

I also think there's something to the theory that little kids like saying "Barack Obama", and Big Kid has a thing for past presidents. He even printed out a list and was working on memorizing their names.

So there's nothing wrong with your kids, mine are just extraordinarily odd! And hell yeah you're invited on the cruise.

And DL, I think we can all agree that sharks are little bastards. That cracked me up!

Life, Love And Lola said...

The thought of little kid and Obama having a convo CRACKS ME THE FUCK UP!!!

miss. chief said...

Today in the car after picking up my boyfriend's kids from their mom...

Me: Hey, all the snow melted

Kid: DAMNIT

Boyfriend and me: WHAAAAT?

Susanne said...

My kid is almost three, and he seems to have picked up some bad language habits, too (must admit that he may have picked up some of them from his dear old mom). The other day I heard a crash in the other room and then, "Oh SH********T!"

Me: "Um - what?!?"

Him: *looking sheepish.* "Sowwy, Mama. Sowwy. Shoot. SHOOT."

Claire said...

I have Little Kid's twin brother. Same blonde hair, blue eyes, same irritating conversations. I think the last conversation was about the mating habits of kangeroos in Australia. Ummm....yeah, odd is a good word.

And JL knows who Barack Obama is also! And no, you can't tell a little person like that to STFU, although it crosses my mind about 100x a day!