Wednesday, March 24, 2010


I just saw bus stop mom again. I was letting Big Kid ride the bus until the lease officially ran out on the other place but bus riding ends today because I just can't risk it any longer.

I had a bad feeling when I pulled up, so I immediately put a book up to my face once I put the car into park. I don't know what made me think that would protect me but I soon saw movement in my side mirror and knew she was approaching. I continued reading. She stood at my closed window and stared at me. I looked up, acted surprised and rolled my window down.

And I tried to remember it all for you. I know how you all liked her and I no longer had any fear about her discovering me online somehow. But God damn if I know what she was talking about.

"You should turn your car off," she said, resting her arms on the car window opening, slapping her hands against the inside near my door handle. "I'm not trying to tell you what to do, it's just that I've been there and I've done it and I actually calculated the savings, you know? I'm not just saying whatever, I know that it adds up and you should turn your car off. I needed to talk to you anyway." She waits.

"Oh. I usually--now that it's nice out I mean to but..." but I can't roll my windows down for fear you'll harass me. I left my car running.

"We had colds. I've been waiting for you. I thought I should stay away so you don't get sick, I've been waiting because I would never want that to happen to you. I'm not like that. I didn't want to let it go this long. I just wanted to tell you, while you move and stuff, if you're comfortable--and if you're not I understand--I could take little kid to my house."

"Oh, thank you--"

"But I know that might be difficult. I'm not saying you would ever do that or ever allow your little kid to go off with strangers so instead we'll come to your house and I'll watch him while you unpack and I can talk to you and help. We've been meaning to come over and I tried to call you, did you get my message?"

"Oh! Uh, no, no I didn't. I lost my job and that was their phone. So, no."

"I have to ask you a favor." She leans into my window and waits.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'm screaming on the inside. "....okay?"

"I know you used to work in real estate and these people told me things about the people who own this place and these other people moved in upstairs, which was fine, I have no problem with that but these other people--Well, let me start from the beginning. Her father wants me to get a job and as you know, and I'm not saying this because you lost your job and most likely won't find a new job and I don't mean that you weren't good at what you do, you know? Don't take this as anything like that, like I'm trying to tell you that you weren't good at your job but he wants me to work full time and I'm like 'why should I work full time when child support covers my expenses' and we'll never agree on a childcare provider, do you know what I'm saying? That it's the best thing and I won't let history repeat itself. That always happens with women, you know? I'm not saying you'll ever get a divorce or that I think you should! No, that's not what I'm saying at all, your marriage seems just fine!"

and it went on and on. I couldn't keep track of it, even for you all. Something about twin beds, a lot about lawyers, stuff about Asian culture. I don't even know. She never asked me for the favor, we never came back around to the original story about the people upstairs or why my real estate expertise was needed, I truly have no idea what this conversation was about. Fifteen minutes later I interrupted her and said, "I'm sorry to interrupt but I've got to get home and get dinner started."

"Well then, I need your new phone number."

"Uh, my phone number? Oh yeah. That's the thing about my phone number that my phone--I got a pay-as-you-go phone, thinking it would be cheap and easy but it, it broke. It doesn't work at all. I'd give you the number but I don't know if they'll give me a new phone and a new number or...I need to call them. I'll call you. I've got your number." (this is all a lie.)

"What's your home number?"

"We don't have one. We got rid of it when we moved."

"Oh. Your his cell phone a work phone? Because--"

"Yes, it's his company phone. That customers call him on. He sometimes doesn't even have it, his partner has it sometimes." (and another lie.)

"Oh. Well, call me then but make sure you do. I'll come over and--hey! Now that you have nothing to do, you could write a book about me! I have a very interesting life, I'm serious, or about mothers--you know, some who are married and some who aren't and some of the crazy situations they're in."

"......huh. Yeah. That could be interesting. Talk to you soon." and I rolled up my window and got the fuck out of there.

And that's it. Never, ever again. For real this time.

I met my across the street neighbor, who seems like the type of person I wanted bus stop mom to be. She's friendly, outgoing, talkative and seems like she will make sure we become friends through persistence BUT there are no outward signs of craziness this time. However, I'm a little bit scared of her because of the bus stop mom fiasco and find myself avoiding the outdoors because she's always out there. She drinks wine and seems laid back. She walks four miles around the neighborhood each day and invited me to join her. It's a nice offer, but what would we talk about for four miles? Also, four miles is about 3 miles too long for me. 3.5 miles too long on some days.

I'm afraid of moms that live nearby now. I want to give Neighborhood Mom a chance, but I'm not ready for a commitment or any more craziness.

I would like to start going outside again though.


S.T.M. said...

Even though I know you won't, I am going to miss Bus Stop Mom. Terribly.

Shelly said...

Hilarious stuff right there! And while I know you could write a book about her, it would not be worth all the money in the world to be around her for that long.

Give the 'hood mom a chance. You deserve someone nice and normal after bus stop mom. I will miss her though. Hm, maybe I should move to Florida. But don't worry, that wasn't your husband's idea, because I would never...

Anonymous said...

Shelly - that was too funny!

The bad part about Neighborhood Mom is that if she ended up being another crazy she could just knock on your door. The upside would be that she wouldn't be offended if you had to drink to hang out with her.

Having 'hood friends is tough. You don't want to be overbearing but you want to be open... fine line sometimes. Not that Bus Stop Mom knew anything about not being overbearing.

Because I'm mean - you should have Mr. Ashley pick big kid up next time. You could write a story from HIS stories about her. I will miss her *raises wine glass and pops a tranquilizer* (not really - but reading about her makes me feel like that)

KMServino said...

I couldn't stop laughing while bus stop mom "talked" to you. I can just imagine the rambling. I don't blame you for being weary of the neighborhood mom's. Thanks for letting us laugh at your expense. I would hide behind a book too.

Anonymous said...

Holy fucking shit... she is a freak!!? I hope things go well with the new mom - she sounds fairly normal, but I'm with you on the 4 miles being 3.5 too long!!

Jennifer said...

Can you imagine that book? Talk about make no sense. The reader would be all, "wait, weren't we just reading about tomatoes, why are we now reading about karate?"

Anonymous said...

i can't even tell you what a crappy day i had and then i thought, ... i need to check in with ashley. and this post cracked my shit up. so thank you. if you ever wonder if your posts are the work of angels, do not wonder. you do good stuff here. thanks again.

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

I'm going to really miss Bus Stop Mom! And can't understand why you don't want her to come help you unpack. She sounds like she needs some heavy medication!

Chacoy said...

i would say test the waters with new bus stop mom, just talk a lil' with her{make sure your by your front door and she's by hers}
alright fuck it, just send smoke signals first!
when she becomes crazy like anonymous said just drink and everything will be aokay;}
good luck!

TH said...

And this, kids, is why meth is bad (no, I'm not seriously sounds like she has a drug issue). Really, really bad. You are a much kinder person than I, Ashley...I would've stopped her at some point and said "Exactly WTH are you talking about?".

At least you no longer have to deal with her!

Stereos and Souffles said...

That was freakin hilarious! Even though I didn't understand most of it.

Unknown said...

Wow-she really is full-blown crazy! I too will miss her-she was a good read!

A. said...

Give the new neighborhood mom a chance. Go walking with her. You don't have to talk the whole 4 miles. It's nice to have good neighbors. I hope yours turns out to be a good one.