Thursday, August 21, 2014

Dear Husband,

It has recently come to my attention that I need to add an addendum to our wedding vows.

13 years ago, I promised all kinds of stuff (everything but the obey part, because, come on, who are we kidding?) including to love you in sickness and in health.

And I meant it.

However, I need to exclude the first week of back to school from the sickness portion of that agreement. I'm not trying to be unsympathetic here and I'm pretty sure that you haven't chosen to be sick. I feel for you, I really do, but I need my house back like a thirsty man in the desert needs rain. Like a budding flower needs sun. Like an angry toddler needs the red cup and not the blue cup. Like an after bedtime mom needs wine.

I will wither away and die without it. Maybe I won't even wither away, maybe I will explode into a fiery ball of destruction which would be extremely damaging and traumatic for everyone involved. No one wants that to happen.

When I lightly suggested that we priceline you a hotel room for quarantine, you gave a feeble laugh and I wasn't sure how to tell you that this was not a joke. Don't you want a hotel room? I want a hotel room.

And now, two days in...? I'm getting sick. Oh no worries, you think, hop your sick little self into your quiet little bed -- but wait, someone is in there. He's been in there, sweaty and groaning, stealing the coldness from the sheets for days.

I tried to escape to yoga because it's quiet there, but when you have the sniffles, you become the jerk ruining everyone else's quiet and no one wants to do that. No one should want to do that. People should care about other people's quiet time. Sick people should go somewhere else and that's what I did.

So, get well soon, my love. I really, really mean it. And let's have a vow renewal where we add in the part about not being sick the first week of school and maybe let's make some edits to that whole "for richer or poorer part" but mostly the poorer part. I also think the traditional vows are remiss in not pledging prompt home and car repair work so let's write our own this time and get it right.

But really, get well. Soon. Like yesterday.

Love in sickness 51 weeks out of the year and in health 52,


Unknown said...

This post is on-point. I think the next one should be your re-written vows!! Husbands never understand!

Melanie said...

Oh, if we only knew what we really wanted 13 years earlier, life would be sweet!

Julie H said...

haha I left obey out of my vows too.

I'm always telling my husband we need a new contract yearly on our anniversary.