Being a Not Really

So I mentioned in the last post that I've been battling the Beautiful Day Monster. I broke a molar earlier in the week and it hurts and I'm not sure how I'm going to be able to get it fixed and that's about the best thing that happened this week, if that gives you any indication of how things are going. Life's just kind of a jerk like that. 

I'm also in the process of trying to re-commit to my yoga practice. I go through phases of convincing myself I don't want to do yoga and don't have to do yoga, but like medicine, I know I need it even if it doesn't always give me a good buzz.

I also just love being at the yoga studio. I work there and am probably one of the few people to truly miss work while on vacation because I love my co-workers and friends and the atmosphere so much. When I walk in the door, I feel the same way most people do when they arrive home after a long trip -- happy and relieved and comfortable to be there.

And those excellent friends I have made gently and firmly suggest I meet them for yoga because they know I need it, and I do and I feel better.

But that doesn't mean I'm not an asshole about it. Our studio's methodology is all about "being a yes" and today I was being a solid "not really."  This is what I was up to this morning:

1. Decided I didn't want to practice on my own mat, used a spare.
2. Decided I was slippery on the spare, left the room to borrow a non-slip towel.
3. Decided the towel smelled like yoga teacher training and wondered why.
4. Decided the apple I ate for breakfast was too big and wondered if my stomach might start to hurt.
5. Decided I was too hot and yes, my stomach hurt.
6. Decided maybe I should plan an escape since I had convinced myself my stomach hurt.
7. Decided that wouldn't work since I knew 75% of people in the building.
8. Decided I needed to floss and wondered if I should go do that instead of chair pose.
9. Decided I was not going to do the next pose no matter what the teacher said (at least 40 times).
10. Decided to do the next pose but only because I was in the front row.
11. Decided the girl behind me was too pretty and looked too amazing in her outfit.
12. Decided I'm never doing crescent lunge ever again.
13. Decided to do crescent lunge again.
14. Decided to take up Scuba diving.
15. Decided to make "why are we doing this?" faces at my friend who made me do it.
16. Decided to strain my eyes to see the thermostat.
17. Decided to lean far enough forward to see the clock.
18. Decided 75 minutes was just way too long.
19. Decided I would take A LOT of time getting into each pose so I'd have to do less time for each.
20. Decided not to do abs, even when the teacher (a friend) said, "Core is important. Even if we don't want to do it, we should...Ashley!"
21. Decided I couldn't breathe normally and wondered if I was having an asthma or anxiety attack.
22. Decided I was over-obsessing about the breathing because I wanted to not do things. 
23. Decided I would go ahead and do things. Kind of half-assed, but still.

And then it was time for savasana (AKA lying down quietly at the end) and I decided once again that I do actually like yoga. Which makes me suspect that I really just like lying down quietly but whatever, at least I do something well.

And that's how I yoga.

If you were picturing strength, serenity and grace, you were probably picturing that girl behind me.

But I do it anyway, sometimes, and that's got to count for something.