So I was going to have a garage sale.
Anyone who remembers the last few garage sales is probably pretty surprised. Remember that time that lady threw a bag of baby clothes and spit at me? Good times.
While out to dinner with a friend, she expressed her disbelief and reminded me that I have sworn off garage sales, that they make me hate everyone and asked if I forgot. I assured her I had not forgotten.
Well, I lied. Like childbirth, the memory was fuzzy. Less drugs involved, though.
Once I got everything out to price, I decided "fuck that" and switched to online mode, using the drama-filled local yard sale Facebook site as my platform. Ours is so scandalous that both my mom and best friend have been kicked out. Pretty impressive to be removed from a yard sale page, and I say that as someone who once had a 30-day forced "time out" from a parenting site. (Sorry not sorry.)
So anyway, I should've known it was a bad idea. People are just extremely annoying:
Sure, I'll measure that for you. No, it is that big. Well, I don't know why it looks bigger, it's not. I guess I can measure again but I am pretty good with a ruler and feel confident that I've got this one right. I'd love to get it all out again and photograph it next to a measuring tape because you don't seem to trust me. Hmm, it is smaller than you thought. Like I told you. Twice. You're not sure if it will fit in your space, though, because you haven't measured. Okay.
Can you come over and look at it all? You don't know what items you're interested in? You want me to get everything out of the boxes and set it out so you can peruse it at your leisure when you stop by at an unspecified time today? Oh, like a garage sale! Did you miss the part about where I'm not doing a garage sale because I don't want to get everything out of the boxes so you can peruse it at your leisure? I actually stated in the album description that I hate garage sales and wasn't doing one. No.
You like the set of books but you want all of the books? I don't have all of the books. But you want all of the books? Right, I understand. No, I don't have the whole set. You really wanted the complete set. Yeah, I heard you and I'm not a book store and therein lies our problem. I just can't produce more 100-year-old books for less than a dollar a piece and I understand that I have failed you there.
What is the absolute lowest I will do on the home theater system listed for $100? The lowest is $75. Will I take $60? No. I said $75. Do I have speaker wire? No, I don't. Yeah, it's still $75. Sir, I don't speak Spanish, as indicated by the 5 previous messages and will need to continue negotiations in my native tongue. No, it's $75, for real. You will take it for $75? Okay, you can pick it up at noon tomorrow at this parking lot. What time can you pick it up? Noon. 12pm. Tomorrow. Remember?
Yes, I saw that you commented and messaged me three times that you will pick the item up right now but I'm pretty sure you can see the conversation stream indicating that someone else is picking it up in an hour. No, we don't need to talk about it on the phone. No, you didn't comment first. No. Just no.
Will I take a check? Right. Pieces of paper written on by strangers, magic beans, shiny rocks, a goat-- just bring whatever. No. You are sorry but you will be two hours late now because of this policy? And then text me on the way to tell me you don't know the area, don't have GPS and have no idea where you are? Fun.
Will I take less than $10? I'll take $5. Does the toy do anything? No, your kid does the doing, the toy is just inspiration for imagination. You have to think about it? Okay, here's a link to the original $150 lis--oh you do want it? I'm located at this address. Will I meet you ten minutes away from there? No. You don't want the item if I won't? Okay. That's fine. You've thought about it and you want the item now and will come over? Okay. You're five minutes away and realize you're two dollars short? Of course.
You "tough" I "leaved" in a different city? Despite it being a city-oriented website and every single one of my posts including the closest intersection in two places? So you are sorry but you can't pick the items up after all? It's okay, you seem pretty dumb. It probably worked out for the best.
Call you? No.
I also got a message from someone telling me that a lot of people stood her up/backed out on things she was selling, so she was going to back out of an item she was supposed to pick up because she decided to buy something else. So because you know exactly what a pain in the ass everyone is, you're going to be a pain in the ass in the exact same way? Interesting strategy.
Last, but not least, I got a comment and a message from the administrator chastising me for accidentally bumping an item by commenting that it had sold. I was supposed to wait 24 hours and it had only been 20. Oh, the shame. I considered getting banned on purpose to save myself from doing this again in the future.
Has it been easier than a garage sale? Maybe slightly, only because I can send Mr. Ashley to do the actual exchange since I'm ready to stab most of these people in the face with rusty scissors by the time we've finished with online negotiations.
Friends, please stop me from any future bright ideas like this. The money isn't worth losing my faith in humanity.
(It's your job to remind me of these things because I'm a slow learner.)