Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Anniversary & Earth Day

So, celebrating your anniversary at a Japanese steak house with your kids is a really bad idea.

As I sat squished up against the wealthy, chubby old man next to me and spent half of dinner insisting to little kid that the Incredible Hulk got his muscles from eating food cooked just like this, I looked at Mr. Ashley who sat a good 5 feet away, not squished against a stranger, and realized there was nothing romantic about my situation.

Prior to that, I was at least sitting next to Big Kid, who was making up word scrambles for me to solve in my head. Also not romantic or sexy. Then little kid began insisting that he would only eat if he could eat my food, and only after a hug. Not just any hug, a long hug.

The food was good, the company was iffy and the bill was expensive. Lesson learned.

Today was an early release day for Big Kid's school. I had decided that it really wasn't worth my time to drive a total of 2 hours for him to attend school for 4 hours and that he would just play hooky at home with me.

He was not down with this plan. At all. He could not miss Earth day.

But then I went to pull his uniform shirt out of the dryer and noticed it had a big stain on it. I decided it was a clear sign that today wasn't meant to be a school day and told him if he stayed home we'd have an Earth Day party and go on a nature walk together. He said, "You shoulda dest used Oxiclean. You put it in wif your laundry and it makes all stains go away! I'll stay home, but you need to get some next time we go to Wal-mart."

Mmmmmkay. Will do.

I know, absolutely KNOW that he'll go to school tomorrow and announce that he couldn't come to school because his shirt had a stain because I don't use Oxiclean. I tried to hint that we should give another reason, but he started to get all indignant about why I'd want to lie. Whatever. I get to start over again next year.

I had a pretty good plan for the day, I thought. I would take them on a nature walk through the preserve at a nearby park, winning "good mom" points and wearing them out before late afternoon when they really get on my nerves.

Like a good mom, I packed a backpack with snacks, an empty notebook to use as a "field journal" and pencils and crayons.

Like typical kids, they fought over the backpack, and the snacks, and the notebook and the pencils and the crayons and which way to go and whether or not little kid was purposely ruining the entire day by beating Big Kid to the signs and pretending to read them.

Less than 1 mile in, I was ready to start stabbing people with the pencils. Around this same time, little kid decided he was tired of walking. "You hold me, mumum," he'd beg.

"No, you walk, you're too big."

"I'm not too big. I'm your baby. You s'posed to hold your baby, mumum," he repeated this over and over again for probably half an hour.

The park also has a waterpark, and little kid could barely focus on anything other than wanting to go down the slides. After explaining 300 times that the park wasn't open on week days, and there was no way for us to get in there, he was angry and determined.

As luck would have it, once we exited the nature trail there was a wide open gate to the back of the waterpark and not a soul in sight. little kid took off running towards the pools, and then cried and yelled for me to please just let him go swimming as I tackled him to the ground. Big Kid was back at the last sign screaming because little kid and I had both run past without listening to him read.

As I was strapping them back into the car, I remembered why I try not to take them anywhere. They're like wild animals, except less pleasant.

For dessert I made "dirt cups" with pudding and crushed Oreos and gummy worms in honor of Earth day. Big Kid choked and gagged over his and insisted he just couldn't eat anything that looked like that.

See how this good mom crap doesn't even work?? Why do I bother?

23 comments:

Beth said...

My son is 11, but I swear he & Big Kid would be BFFs. Just wait until BK is in 5th grade & can be a safety patrol. Good times.

Ashley said...

Oh, he doesn't have to wait, he is his own personal Safety Patrol. He was on red alert status at the Japanese steak house, even advising the chef that maybe it was too much fire. Big Kid doesn't fuck around when it comes to safety. He will be straight up terrorizing little kids when he's a 5th grader with a badge...

Joy said...

That shit always back fires on me! Anytime I try to be good mommy I always end up irritated at their lack of cooperation

Tami said...

Oxiclean!?! Too much fire! I love BK :)

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry, but this is so funny. I have these moments all the time where I try to be a "good" mom and it just doesn't work out and I go back to being me and my kids go back to being happy. LOL

Allie said...

I know it is not funny, but that last part about Big Kid choking and gagging over the dessert made me laugh. Actually the whole day did, although I would have wanted to pull out my hair if it had been me. One day they will look back and realize what an awesome mom they had.

Jen said...

Your descriptions of the kids fighting and BK yelling made me laugh out loud. Mine do the same thing, but you are so good at putting it in words - ooohhhhh so true and it makes us crazy!

Jem McBee --- Alena Bystrova said...

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Judy said...

LOL!

P in VT said...

Ahhhh... the joy of fun, well-planned activities with kids. :)

Good try.

TheOtherJennifer said...

you tried, that's all you can do. I bagged my mom into taking my spot at "A Day at the Coast" today at school...I'd rather face unhappy customers than a pack of 2nd graders turning their noses up at fried fish.

Hope today is better!

Queen of the Misfits said...

Nothing will ever be good enough for our kiddos, at least nothing is good enough for mine!

Stereos and Souffles said...

Wow, sounds like a fabulous day!
Or not.

Ms. Attitude said...

I give you a lot of credit for trying. I really do, but all I can say about this day is: wow.

jennyandcompany said...

I love it. I feel your pain, I quit bothering with all the creative crap years ago. they are trained to entertain themselves nicely. If they fight too much, then they clean. fun times!

Ashley said...

You did you're best. That's what counts. Or at least that's what you can tell BK's therapist when you're pulled in for a consultation in 20 years.

Catfish said...

So THIS is what I have to look forward too?? Great, just freakin' great.

Polka Dots & Protein Bars said...

I just laughed out loud reading this... love it!

Renee said...

Too funny! I'm sorry your efforts were unappreciated. The dirt cups sound very cool. :)

Btw, I read that link you put on Twitter about the family that lost their insurance and their son is fighting cancer - they live in Humble, TX, which is where I live (more or less). Small world.

-The Renee

Shannon said...

"The food was good, the company was iffy and the bill was expensive. Lesson learned."
I had the same anniversary one year...I couldn't get anyone to watch Savannah, so all 3 of us headed to my restaurant of choice, a nice Italian place, and tried to enjoy dinner with a 2 year old climbing all over the place.

M said...

Yea, I gave up on all that good mom crap after kid #3.

Interestingly, they seemed happier when I gave up.

Apparently they were sick and tired of playing along.

Deb said...

I have changed my mind. I don't want Big Kid. There's only room enough for one anal-retentive, overbearing, bossy person in my house, and that's me. MAN, I love the stories, though. And I feel the same way about taking both of my kids anywhere, and the little one isn't even old enough to talk.

Melanie said...

I am so glad that it's not just me who doesn't want to take my heathens arouund other people - civilized or otherwise. They turn into absolute crazy, rabid animals when they are let free. I've decided they need plenty of structure in order for them to be truly happy. And cages. The utmost in Parental Structure Equipment.