So, celebrating your anniversary at a Japanese steak house with your kids is a really bad idea.
As I sat squished up against the wealthy, chubby old man next to me and spent half of dinner insisting to little kid that the Incredible Hulk got his muscles from eating food cooked just like this, I looked at Mr. Ashley who sat a good 5 feet away, not squished against a stranger, and realized there was nothing romantic about my situation.
Prior to that, I was at least sitting next to Big Kid, who was making up word scrambles for me to solve in my head. Also not romantic or sexy. Then little kid began insisting that he would only eat if he could eat my food, and only after a hug. Not just any hug, a long hug.
The food was good, the company was iffy and the bill was expensive. Lesson learned.
Today was an early release day for Big Kid's school. I had decided that it really wasn't worth my time to drive a total of 2 hours for him to attend school for 4 hours and that he would just play hooky at home with me.
He was not down with this plan. At all. He could not miss Earth day.
But then I went to pull his uniform shirt out of the dryer and noticed it had a big stain on it. I decided it was a clear sign that today wasn't meant to be a school day and told him if he stayed home we'd have an Earth Day party and go on a nature walk together. He said, "You shoulda dest used Oxiclean. You put it in wif your laundry and it makes all stains go away! I'll stay home, but you need to get some next time we go to Wal-mart."
Mmmmmkay. Will do.
I know, absolutely KNOW that he'll go to school tomorrow and announce that he couldn't come to school because his shirt had a stain because I don't use Oxiclean. I tried to hint that we should give another reason, but he started to get all indignant about why I'd want to lie. Whatever. I get to start over again next year.
I had a pretty good plan for the day, I thought. I would take them on a nature walk through the preserve at a nearby park, winning "good mom" points and wearing them out before late afternoon when they really get on my nerves.
Like a good mom, I packed a backpack with snacks, an empty notebook to use as a "field journal" and pencils and crayons.
Like typical kids, they fought over the backpack, and the snacks, and the notebook and the pencils and the crayons and which way to go and whether or not little kid was purposely ruining the entire day by beating Big Kid to the signs and pretending to read them.
Less than 1 mile in, I was ready to start stabbing people with the pencils. Around this same time, little kid decided he was tired of walking. "You hold me, mumum," he'd beg.
"No, you walk, you're too big."
"I'm not too big. I'm your baby. You s'posed to hold your baby, mumum," he repeated this over and over again for probably half an hour.
The park also has a waterpark, and little kid could barely focus on anything other than wanting to go down the slides. After explaining 300 times that the park wasn't open on week days, and there was no way for us to get in there, he was angry and determined.
As luck would have it, once we exited the nature trail there was a wide open gate to the back of the waterpark and not a soul in sight. little kid took off running towards the pools, and then cried and yelled for me to please just let him go swimming as I tackled him to the ground. Big Kid was back at the last sign screaming because little kid and I had both run past without listening to him read.
As I was strapping them back into the car, I remembered why I try not to take them anywhere. They're like wild animals, except less pleasant.
For dessert I made "dirt cups" with pudding and crushed Oreos and gummy worms in honor of Earth day. Big Kid choked and gagged over his and insisted he just couldn't eat anything that looked like that.
See how this good mom crap doesn't even work?? Why do I bother?