I just got laid off.
I typed that about 50 different ways before accepting that sentence. Lost my job? No, I didn't freaking lose it, I know exactly where it is. Fired? It wasn't harsh or mean or bad like that sounds. Laid off? All of those things make it sound like I have some culpability in this or deserved it somehow.
"I just got laid off" sounds pathetic but no worse than any of the alternatives.
Being all Gifted and all, I kind of saw this coming but it doesn't make the reality hurt any less.
And it's not just the money (although the money really fucking hurts)--I loved that job. There was not one day where I woke up and wished I didn't have to do it. Even though things couldn't go 100% my way or even the way I thought they should go...I just loved it. I liked my daily tasks, I adored my supervisor, I enjoyed what I did and I felt a sense of purpose and accomplishment from doing it. I felt connected to my community. I was proud that my kids knew that their mom enjoyed working and loved her job and could see that work doesn't always suck for everyone.
I also really liked my Blackberry and laptop. Petty, minor things that shouldn't even be a consideration, but the final kick to the gut will come when I surrender them.
I swore that when it happened I would handle the situation with grace! I would retain my dignity! It would be the catalyst for the great things I am destined to do!
But now that it has really happened, I'm more like, Eh, fuck everything about all of that shit.
At least for right now. I'm tired of figuring out what to do next and I need some time to wallow. To lie in bed with my feather pillow folded into a mask around my eyes and ears.
Just for a little while.
And then we'll move on to figuring out this grace, dignity and doing great things nonsense.