Friday, February 26, 2010

Operation Curry

I never disliked the wife of the landlord couple. I pitied her--she's easy to talk to and seems intelligent but she married a dorky, doughy, uninteresting, spineless nerd of a man and every conversation we've had has hinted at some unhappiness or overall incompatibility. I could also empathize with their precarious financial situation.

And although I'm inconvenienced by them selling, I wanted them to sell the house. I've showed it 3 to 4 times a week (total fucking nightmare), had strangers wake up my napping child, been forced to clean up so it's "showing ready" every other day and have been civil to their total asshole of a real estate agent.

But yesterday she called Mr. Ashley to make an appointment for today and Saturday. Knowing I may still be wallowing, Mr. Ashley said I was sick and that we could do them all Saturday. She said no, absolutely not, she wouldn't reschedule.

So Mr. Ashley said I had the stomach flu and was vomiting all day (a lie, but screw them--I deserve a day off and if they force me to lie to get it, that's fine) and she said she didn't care, wouldn't reschedule, people were coming and that was that.

So Mr. Ashley pointed out that we were leaving A MONTH early since this was such a nightmare for everyone, despite paying for that vacant month since our lease isn't up, and that this was extremely insensitive. He assured her that the house would be a complete mess and that I may be unable to get out of bed.

"That's okay, she doesn't have to clean up or get out of bed."

If, as a fellow mother especially, you can tell someone who you believe to have the stomach flu that you INSIST that they let strangers traipse through their (imaginary) sick room despite them bending over backward to accommodate you and your constant bullshit--then you are the c-word.

We get the keys to the new house tomorrow. I was going to make this place immaculate, tell the realtor to show it whenever he wanted and sigh a big breath of relief to have it all behind me.

But now? Cleaning won't happen until the last weekend of March, boxes and newspaper will be everywhere (even if I have to bring in boxes and newspapers that I don't need), I will require 24 hours notice as per my lease and I will visit the house several times a week to boil a little curry and cumin on the stove.

Fuckers.

Don't screw with a woman that needs time to wallow.

31 comments:

ABW said...

That's crazy!!!!

Don't you want to have shrimp for dinner? Or maybe cook chicken and "forget" that you have chicken bones in the house?

Megness said...

Does Little Kid still use a sippy cup? Filled with milk? That accidentally rolls away from you? And it opens a little because that happens to be the cup with the lid that always does that? And it's really hot because it's sunny in that room? And you move out and leave it there because you don't know about it? And then people are forever saying "what IS that sour smell?"
OR
You do realize how easy it is for young boys to clog toilets, right? Let them go to town.
I'm just saying...

Nikky said...

What a horrible shrew of a woman! I'm furious on your behalf.

Maybe a curry and fish stew?

Former Fat Chick said...

operation open door with booby hanging out- say your breast feeding 4 year old! ewwwwwwww

Duel Living said...

Buy some traps....a few rats...and let 'em loose. Then when the prospectives come in....Surprise!!!!

It's way more to laugh that evil bwah ha ha laugh while wallowing.

xoxox,
Brandi

Ashley said...

Ohhh wow, you know what? There might be a sippy cup full of milk misplaced in a box in a very warm closet. I think it got there tomorrow.

And yes, I have been wanting to do some culinary experiments. My cats deserve a daily fish fry and some scrimps and I wouldn't want to cook that stuff in my beautiful new kitchen. Also, if my cats move out...rats could come. That happens in cat-less homes sometimes.

Maybe I could be in the bathroom screaming, "YOU DON'T WANT TO COME IN HERE!!!!" as they arrive? She said my being sick was fine with them...explosive diarrhea happens...

Mommy Wis(h)dom said...

Awesome post!! Thanks for making me laugh. : )

This Mom said...

They really don't know who they have messed with, do they?

Caren said...

So insensitive! I think the mouse/rat idea would be a really easy one to accomplish.

The sippy cup one is a great idea and have you ever smelled potatoes when they go bad? I think you might want to "forget" that you have some in your potato drawer before you move out.

Good luck Ashley and I'm really sorry about your being laid off. That sucks.

Joy said...

Two words. Boiled Cabbage.

I actually know someone who called the gas company because they thought there was a leak. Turns out it was the cabbage soup they were boiling on the stove.

Joy said...

Oh - and the potato comment reminded me - Do you know how hard it is to get rid of fruit flies once you get them? I'd 'forget' a couple bananas...

I've actually done this one by mistake before. I was so excited about my new apartment I moved in as fast as I could... even though I still had the old one for awhile. Then when it came down to crunch time, I went to clean up the remainder of the stuff in the old apartment. I think I used a whole can of raid that night.

Anonymous said...

Assholes!!!

Grill shark steaks. Trust me. Grill shark steaks on a little indoor grill inside.

Your house (ha ha, not any more) will smell like 110 cans of tuna have been opened and left outside for a week in August in Alabama (or southern Florida, if you prefer).

Not even a cat would enjoy that stench.

Lin said...

Wow, she is totally the C-word. Cant believe she's so insensitive & rude. I'm glad your not going to be cleaning up & making the house look presentable, screw her & her house now.

Anonymous said...

Oh, I had another idea. You could hide in the bathroom with the door locked and loudly moan and groan. Not like you are lying on the floor feeling miserable, but like you are incredibly constipated and really, really trying to pinch one off. You must get strain into your voice. It must sound like you are doing heavy lifting.

I was in a public bathroom stall next to a woman like that one time, who wanted us all to know she was uncomfortable. It was incredibly annoying and gross. I am sure it will have a good effect on potential buyers!!

LOL! Your landlords SUCK! They will be sorry.

Kent said...

I have some special effects friends who can make your walls bleed and spell "Get out!" Will that help?

nydancer226 said...

That is a nasty woman! If you have a room with a tile ceiling you can take a poopy diaper and put it up in the ceiling. They'll never know where the stank is coming from. Just sayin.....=)

Ashley said...

Kent, that probably would help and there is nothing in my lease that says I can't make the walls bleed ominous messages. In fact, if anyone you know needs a set for a horror film or porn scene or whatever--you know who to call!

And anonymous, I like the way you think!

I have staged this place to look like the just-abandoned abode of someone with stomach flu, complete with mysterious bucket near toilet and an unmade bed with water bottles on the nightstand. I have also turned the heat up to 76 so it smells stale, when it is a gorgeous cool day outside and I usually open the windows and sliders so the breeze can come through.

I even distracted little kid from picking up his toys. There are dishes in the sink and crumbs on the counter. Due to my neurotic nature, it is difficult to let people into the house with it messy...but also very satisfying today.

Now I'm going to go to my parents' house since it's not messy and won't be full of strangers.

Megness said...

You know, I've been thinking...all of these are GREAT ideas; however, they affect the wrong party. (Assuming the people on the house tour didn't know about the request to reschedule...and reading about the c-word lady, let's assume that to be the case.) What you want to do is be IN BED when they come through and throw up as they come in...I have faith that you are creative enough to pull it off. Then say "Oh, I wanted to reschedule for your sake but the owners...the owners are such bullies...they made me open my sick room to you. They care for nothing but what's best for them!" Insert deep sigh and more vomit here.
No one wants to negotiate with people like that. The buyers will run away and your landlords may get a clue. Or not. But then you can totally go with the sippy cup and stinky fish at that point! :D

jennyandcompany said...

perfect! isn't there a dog you could forget to let outside too?

Caren Drink said...

Cough right on the agent when he comes in. Let him spend the weekend having the oggie-boogies.

Assholes.

MzLiz said...

Ashley,
First---very sorry to hear about the layoff-that totally sucks.

Second--your landlord and their realtor are selfish and insensitive.

Third--good luck with your move. I'm jealous about the awesome kitchen.

Jennifer said...

There are stinkier things than than cumin and curry. You have cats. Cats have litterboxes. Just putting it out there. You do with it what you will.

Looking For Freedom... said...

I suggest hiding a bag of clementines or oranges somewhere - deep in one of the kitchen cabinets, perhaps, or way back on top of the fridge. Just leave 'em there and let nature do its magic. Trust me - I know from personal experience that when these things rot, they smell absolutely atrocious. And if they confront you about it, just be like, "Gosh, I've been LOOKING for those! Thanks!"

Jen said...

Time to boil broccoli, cauliflower, shrimp. Got any meat past the expiration date hanging around in the fridge? Time to get it out.

Stereos and Souffles said...

WTF is wrong with people? If you didn't have kids, I would say rent a porno and have it playing on the TV during the showing...that would teach her!

Tara said...

Chicken bones inside the curtain rods. Stinks to high heaven and no one ever knows where it's coming from. :)

Anonymous said...

Put raw shrimp INSIDE the hollow curtain rods. They will NEVER know what hit them and will NEVER be able to get the smell out ;)

peggy and The Cats said...

I just learned of a site called
www.yelp.com
A site where you can tell the world how horrible the real estate agent C is to deal with.

FYI - brown tempra paint looks just like that explosive diarrhea you talked about, and just hide some dog poop for complete sensory effect.

Meghan said...

Put notes around electrical switches.... caution do not turn on when raining...... worked for my aunt, they were able to buy the house they were renting at a great price1

Joy said...

find a friend with a baby and make sure to throw their crappy diapers in your garbage while your at it:)

I onced had a lady that was doing some alterations for me and she was I swear always cooking something with curry when I had to go over there for a fitting and her house always smelled fowl

Melissa said...

I think it's time to conserve water and stop flushing for awhile. ;-)