Friday, February 12, 2010

Crazy is Crazy

I need to preface this by saying that I have been the socially awkward mom who says too much more often than I'd care to admit. I'm outgoing but I over-talk when I'm nervous, leading to all kinds of socially painful instances I wish I could take back.

That being said...bus stop woman is completely bat shit insane.

I get a message about 25 minutes before the bus comes and it was her, asking what time our play date was. I thought I was pretty clear about the after school thing but decide to call her back to confirm.

So I do and she sounds kind of quiet and sad. We get the time stuff out of the way and she says, "Look, I am a really upfront kind of person. I know I said a lot yesterday and probably talked way too much but I do that sometimes but I want to talk to you about something, just lay it all out on the table and be honest right upfront, okay?"

Now I'm nervous. I convince myself that my one in a million chance of her seeing my blog had happened and I was about to feel like a big jerk. Okay, I answered.

"I just want to let you know that I will never steal your husband."

"Oh--okay...but you don't even know my husband?"

"I'm just that kind of person. I will not hug your husband in front of you, or kiss him on the cheek or joke around or anything like that. No matter how great he is, I would never do that to your family."

"Um, okay. I didn't think you would? And I know he wouldn't."

"I know but I want you to know that I won't. Also, I'm not attracted to women, I'm not a swinger, anything like that. It's nothing like that, okay? I just want to be friends."

...? I can't recall anything in the combined 7 minutes of conversation that we've had at the bus stop that would indicate that I was planning on bringing her home to sex her up. I never wanted her to come home with me in the first place!

(And I was a little insulted too. Screw her, she'd be lucky to get with either me or Mr. Ashley.)

"Oh, um, me neither. I...just like to have mom friends so our kids can play?"

"Good, because I'm just not like that, you know? I've had friends say things about me and their husbands so I just want to tell you right away that I will never do that and I'm not that kind of person."


Then she launched into tons of other stuff before I had to point out that I had to leave for the bus stop because we'd been on the phone quite a while.

I ended up driving to the bus stop because it was so windy and looked like rain. So when I saw her I asked, "Do you want to follow me or...?"

"Oh, my son can go in your car, it's just a block and he's tall enough to be in the middle with the seat belt."

Overjoyed that it was just her kid, I start buckling everyone in.

"I'll just walk, it's that way?"

"You can't walk. Ride with us and I'll drive you home."

"I'll walk home." Did she not see the rain clouds? Did she not feel the wind whipping our hair around our faces?

And people, it got no better from there. Conversation was never slow, but oddly enough, was occasionally interrupted completely at random with tidbits about the Edwards or Letterman affair scandals. Except it would come out of nowhere like:

"How did you choose your daughter's name?"

"Oh her father is a foreign Catholic and you know how that goes."

Since it isn't a religious name or foreign, I don't know how it goes, but whatever. Then she would immediately go on to say, "Whenever I see her in papers she looks terrible. I think they choose the very worst photos! He always looks like himself, completely fine, and then there she is with her mouth open."

I'd sit there, mind racing to figure out who she was talking about--someone related to this child's father? Why are they in the papers? I'd stay quiet hoping I'd catch on and she'd say, "Don't you agree? What was your perception of him before this?"

And then I'd be forced to ask, "Who?" and she would look at me like I was crazy for not following along all this time.

"John Edwards!"

And people, this wasn't me somehow missing part of the conversation. It happened with Letterman too, just out of nowhere without any specification of who she was even talking about. Really weird.

She was also really condescending to Big Kid a few times and I'm not one of those moms that doesn't want you addressing my kid, even if it involves an argument between our kids, but she talked down to him like a grown up would talk to a baby-- not intentionally insulting but it was annoying and then she'd turn around and say, "I don't want you to think I'm parenting for you or anything." Well then let me do it and stop speaking to him like he has 3 brain cells.

Then she's like, "I have this little book I want to show you. Did I bring it?" and starts looking through her tiny purse that looks too small for a book. I was really curious about what kind of book she brought to show me, slightly worried I was in for a religious confrontation. She shook out her sweatshirt and this old, worn paperback fell out about recovering from divorce and she wanted to read to me from its dog-eared pages.

I changed the subject quickly on that one (which was way easy to do).

The not driving thing worked in my favor because I was able to say Mr. Ashley was coming home soon and I had to start cooking dinner (which is pretty funny in itself) and hustle everyone out to drive them home.

I think her kid was trying to steal Big Kid's Nintendo DSi as they left. He was trying to push it under his backpack as he put his shoes on until I snatched it up for "re-charging".

So no, it didn't go well. She wants to do it again Monday. I'm thinking of changing my phone number and going into the witness protection program.


Anonymous said...

OMG or as my little kid says "MOG". A critical error has been made. Good luck figuring this one out.

Susan in Texas

Gail Dixon said...

Drugs. The woman must have been a user at some point and her brain cells altered? I don't know, but something is not right. The WPP sounds like your best bet. Other than that, wow. Just wow. I feel for you and I don't even know you. Batshit crazy is an apt description for sure.

The Mermaid Cottage said...

I wonder if your new friend has ADD. I have a friend who talks very fast, jumps from topic to topic, doesn't pay attention to certain details (like a teacher's name)but can get really sucked into the details of stuff like the John Edwards affair. I imagine she doesn't have many friends because she exhausts the people she tries to get to know. Good're gonna need it!

Missives From Suburbia said...

I'm genuinely afraid for you. I envision a bunny on your stove if you don't invite her back. You don't have a bunny, do you? Oh, wait, you have a pot-sized DOG!

Meghan said...

Maybe you need the best defense is a good offense qpproach. I say hit on her.

Jennifer said...

I would just be "busy" between now and the time to move and then just "lose touch."

Kent said...

Hahaha! Wow! The last post I read was you debating whether or not to finish a John Irving novel. This is awesome! My favorite part:

Bus Stop Buddy
I've Been Friended
Crazy is Crazy

Anonymous said...

I am seriously voting for manic-depressive. You just pulled her out of the depression and into the mania! Just watch out, she has hard-core stalker potential!
Kelli in LA

Anonymous said...

LOVING the last few posts!!! Well, I mean.. I LOVE your blog all the time, lol, but I think I speak for all of us "closetteers"... we needed some suspense around these parts! And I think we are about to get some!! Can't wait to see what happens next!!!

jennyandcompany said...

wow,definitely crazy! moving day can't come fast enough now. see, everything works out nicely!

Mitch said...

The fact that she doesn't know who his teacher is is screaming at me. How does the child act (odd???) too? Does s/he act like all the other kids?

Joy said...

um yea get busy with moving stuff ya know all those toys aint gonna pack themselves. I say back to car rider line for you make up some sort of story of how big kid got scared on the bus and wants you to pick him up then when you move hopefully it won't b the same bus and put him back on.

but yea I think she is a bit wacho and the kid seeming to try to smuggle the ds away that is just wrong

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

OMG! I about fell out my chair reading the last 3 posts as I was laughing so hard! Did Big Kid think the play date was fun? She sounds manic - which I think is a nice way of saying crazy! Watch your back.

Anonymous said...

OMFG!! I would totally change my number and move.'re already doing that ;~)

Anonymous said...

Just say no to a playdate on Monday. No reason, no excuses. Practice saying it. "No, Monday doesn't work out for us." No further explanation.

Dana said...

Oh wow . . . this is seriously too funny! I agree with Meghan - hit on her! Haha!!

Jen said...

Step.Away.From.This Woman. Seriously, you've got to quickly nip it. Thank goodness you're moving. Gives you a good excuse. Busy! It sounds like she'll do nothing but mentally drain you every time you're around her. Bad vibes on this chick.

jenn said...

Holy shit. She's a fucking loon. Like wake up in the middle of the night and catch her staring in your bedroom window loon. Good luck with that. (I'm thinking that the whole moving thing is your golden ticket).

Unknown said...

She sounds like she used to do some heavy-duty drugs. My dad used to work with a guy who dropped a lot of acid in the 70's, and he would have "conversations" like that-it was like trying to talk to a skipping record.

Sasha said...

I see nothing wrong with acting like you've never seen her before and have no clue about any playdates. Maybe you don't speak

If she's as crazy as she sounds, she may actually believe you and think she dreamed the whole thing up.

I say go for it. Big Kid is insanely bright- surely he's caught on to the craziness and isn't interested in being friends w/ Crazy's son, right?

Heidi said...

I have a bat shit crazy neighbor. I could have written your story myself, with a few details changed. She would see us outside and start running and waving her arms wildly. She was constantly inviting us over and after one semi successful playdate, she deemed us "best friends" and was always wanting to make plans. Be very careful and do not get in too deeply. I've been through this. I eventually had to start ignoring her completley to the point of being rude.

She confronted me at our school's Open House and asked what she had done wrong. I told her that I just wasn't into getting together so much and that my dad had been ill and blah, blah blah. She got right up in my face and whispers "I miss you" OK. That ended that conversation.

I feel for you, I really do.

Colleen said...

Oh wow! You've certainly stepped into a pile =( Thank GOD you're moving--and none too soon! I went into heebie jeebie mode when her MOTHER thanked you for being her daughters new friend...

Anonymous said...

Reading this makes me glad that I don't have neighbors. Good luck getting rid of her.

Anonymous said...

Definitely some major issues there. I would not be surprised if her husband cheated on her, hence the assurances and the divorce fixation.

But I am getting some BPD vibes here too (Borderline Personality Disorder). Not overt yet but just a vibe:

I'd back away from this chick.

SJB in PHX said...

And this is EXACTLY why I'm afraid to friend any of the moms in my daughter's preschool!!! I would wind up with the crazy one and then spend the rest of my life trying to figure out how to get rid of her. Good luck!

Jill said...

Oh, the crazies of the world...

Don't they just make you feel so much better about your own sanity?


Shannie said...

Oh.My.GOD. WHAT.THE.FUCK?!?! Okay, Ashley, I am an overfriendly, overtalker that has had to defriend many a crazy in my time... Especially in my Mommy-time. Run fast and far from that. Seriously. That might be worth changing BK's school over. Although, on the flip side... She makes some damn fine blog fodder.... Holy shikeys. I'm laughing my ass off over here... And feeling sympathy for you at the same time. What a whackjob.

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness- it keeps getting better for us and worse for you! At least you are documenting this so the police know what REALLY happened! OMG!

Stereos and Souffles said...

This chick is insane in the membrane.

Caren said...

Oh Ashley, I hate to say I told you so but I warned you that not knowing the teacher's name in February is weird, just weird. She didn't "normal up," she wants to steal your husband and/or hook up with you and she's raising a potential thief, please be careful but continue to see her frequently because this shit is great.

Maddness of Me said...

the fuck??

PaperCourt said...

That chick is weird. Stay away. Enough said!

SLC said...

Yikes! Scary! Good luck.