Tuesday, June 8, 2010

I did it

Big Kid hopped into the car after school the other day and said, "I want you to tell me 'bout how kids are made. How their parents make them, the babies."

Warning bells and sirens began to ring in my head. "Why? Was someone talking about that in school or what...what makes you ask?"

"I just wanna know. I asked you before and you said you'd tell me one day when little kid wasn't around. I see he's sleepin' and I'm just tired of not knowin'. I asked you lots of times and I still never do know."

"Oh, er, um, well, when mommies and daddies love each other very much, sometimes they decide to make a baby and then the mommy carries it in her tummy and then there's a baby! Pretty neat!" My final valiant effort at deflection.

"No. I wanna know HOW THE BABY GETS INSIDE THE MOMMY'S TUMMY, I know that other stuff. I want to know HOW THE MOM AND DAD MAKE THE BABY BECOME A BABY."

"Oh, yes, that. Okay, well--"

"Is it about the S-word?"

"When you say the "S-word, you mean...sex?" I ventured.


That's when I knew there was no escaping this conversation this time. I know he is aware and confused about the existence of the word “sex”—thanks in part to the song Birthday Sex (Are they saying Birthday Sex? No, they're saying Birthday Six. No, they are saying Birthday Sex, for sure, I can read it when it comes up on the car radio screen. Hmm, what the heck station are we even listening to? This song makes no sense!) and Michael Scott from the Office (thanks, Michael) but now I was realizing that he understood more than I had originally assumed and was piecing things together on his own. I took a deep breath, mind racing.

"Yes. When a man and a woman really love each other, they might have...sex," I said, cringing. "And when they're trying to make a baby, sex makes it so the man's body puts something like a seed into the woman's body."

I glanced in the rear view mirror. He looked as horrified and as confused as I felt.

"Oh, gross! Are you kiddin'?"

"Well, it's kind of like a seed? But it's a fluid--"

(at this point, my brain is screaming OMG! TOO MUCH INFO! ABORT MISSION, pull into Wendy's, buy him a Frosty and hope to God we can put this behind us! Shut up NOW! NOW!)

"...I don't know, but anyway the seed plants itself into an egg the mommy has in her tummy and then a baby grows from that. It really is an amazing thing. I know you're still confused but I think that's enough information for someone your age. I promise that we'll talk about this more often as you get older and when it is time for you to know, I will make sure you have no questions, but...yeah, that's the gist of it."

There was a moment of awkward silence.

"Ookaaay, well, I've heard enough about that. I am confused, but I think you're right that it's enough."

"Yeah. Don't go telling other kids though, okay? That's a job for their mommies and daddies." (Mwahahaha, I will not be alone in this discomfort!)

"I'm not going to be tellin' first graders about sex, mom. Man, I'm so embarrassed I even just said that."

"Yeah, I'm a little embarrassed about all of this, too. I mean, it's a nice thing and it's a good thing but...let's be done talking about this now and try not to use that word, like, at all."

"Good plan", he said as he leaned back in his booster seat and quietly looked out the window, while I silently freaked out at how awkward I had been about the whole thing but also felt glad to have temporarily staved off his curiosity on the subject.

I hope.


Theresa said...

I love that you mentioned that he's sitting in a "booster seat" while you discuss sex. Oh good heavens!

Preppy Pink Crocodile said...

Good for you, Ashley! I think you did a great job!! The only thing that can come from not telling kids about sex is grandkids from a 15 year old. I can't wait to read about the convo with Little kid in a few years- ha!

Just Lisa said...

LMAO! Ugh-- I'm dreading this conversation!

Unknown said...

I think you did a nice job! I think it's good that you talked about how you were a little embarrassed too, so he knew that it was okay to feel awkward. Mine are light-years away from that convo, but when I was pregnant with my oldest the boy that I nannied for asked "so, do they have to cut the baby out of your tummy?" (he was 9). I think I said "Um...sometimes; but you should ask your mom about that". It was not my best deflection effort ever.

Jennifer said...

I think you did an awesome job. Whenever anything like this comes up I always ask lots of questions like, "how do you think a baby gets in a Mommy's tummy?" I think it is harder when you have smart kids because they are going to figure things out and have questions a lot quicker than other kids.

Ellie Di said...

My mom gave me "the talk" when I was eight, and I'm pretty sure she didn't spare my embarrassment. I think you did a great job with Big Kid! It's great that he's both curious and understanding about the subject. It'll be fun to see how he progresses with both of those. :3

Former Fat Chick said...

girl, you need to buy the book and just hand it over to him, no, no, no....take him ALONE to Borders and read the book. Once little kid finds out the facts, forget it

Sasha said...

Please please please don't let P be asking me this anytime soon. He still thinks the baby comes out of your belly button.... and I'm not correcting him for now.

Nikky said...

I get the feeling my mom was eternally grateful that my grandma was a nurse. My older step brother gave me this horrifying story about what sex was when I was five (involving a hammer, bloodletting, and poop). I asked my grandma and she very matter-of-factly told me "This happens, then this, then this."

And then she bought me nine hundred books (I was a reader), answered all my questions, and that was that.

Wanna Be Iron Mommy said...

Wow, good job! I've been having to have more and more of these talks with my 13 y/o. It's kind of fun to watch him squirm now. Their embarrassment will far out way yours as they get older which makes it much easier.

Deb said...

Dear GOD.

Unknown said...

Books are an awesome idea! That will be the plan for the future--I mean, I'll do what I can but I'll definitely let some reading time back that up. Maybe Big Kid could explain it to little kid for me when the time is right, isn't that what big brothers are for?

I was really glad I managed to evade the technical details or any talk of how babies come out. At least there was that.

Eileen said...

I vote the next conversation needs to be paased on to Mr. Ashley, you know so they can talk "man to man"!

QM said...

The lawyer told Mr. Big, "My friend told me that sex is when people are naked and kiss, but I KNOW that isn't true." Poor child, Mr. Big, told him that it was, and then, he said some stuff about "sharing bodies.." I pretty much couldn't "share my body" without cracking my shit up for weeks. I am such a mean wife.

Heidi said...

Oh my gosh, I love this post! My daughter loves the song Birthday Sex and I always sing it loud "Birthday SIX, Birthday SIIIIX" LOL :)

Jennifer said...

Great job! I think you handled it beautifully! First grade? Crap. My son is finishing up first grade right now.. I'm not ready for this...

Julie H said...

I had to explain what condoms were to my oldest when she was about 7. We didn't have cable so we'd watch a lot of reruns that would come on, like Friends. You know how you think stuff is flying over their heads? So not. She was badgering me over and over what a condom was so I started to tell her and I didn't have to get very far before she was like umm ok that's ok I don't want to hear anymore lol

Anonymous said...

I made my husband have the talk. My son's comment: "There's gotta be another way!" Kerry.