I understand that bathroom mistakes happen, I really do.
However, when they happen--say you drop a few logs on your way to the toilet--you also know that the clean up process is beyond your basic ability.
Attempting to roll it up in the bathroom rug? Not a good idea.
Attempting to use a pair of your brother's shorts to sponge it up? Not a good idea.
Also, when trying to use toilet paper, it's best to unroll a few sheets versus rolling the entire intact roll across a turd over and over again into the white grout.
I was angry when I saw the mess, particularly since I have spent the morning wearing sunglasses and unplugged headphones due to a massive migraine that refuses to be medicated.
But when I went to flush and the toilet clogged? Oh, I was pissed.
Then in my attempts to plunge the toilet, it began to overflow...chunks of poopy toilet paper swirling around my feet as the bathroom flooded. I slipped on a renegade turd in my panic to close the bathroom door to contain the damage. You may remember this as the time when I began screaming, "GET IN YOUR ROOM! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, GET IN YOUR ROOM NOW!"
Luckily you took my advice, because had you been present when I reached down to turn the water valve off and my hair slipped out of its haphazard bun and TOUCHED TOILET WATER, I would most likely be writing this to you from jail.
(POOPY FUCKING TOILET WATER ON MY HAIR, LITTLE KID! And on my baseboards, yoga pants, feet, vanity, bathroom rug, roll of toilet paper,several towels and a pair of your brother's shorts.)
That, my friend, is why you are staying in your room forever. FOREVER. All the bleach and all of the scalding water and all of the laundry detergent in the world cannot erase what happened today.
I suggest you take a long nap.
I still love you, just from the other side of the house,