Thursday, July 9, 2009

Dear little kid,

I understand that bathroom mistakes happen, I really do.

However, when they happen--say you drop a few logs on your way to the toilet--you also know that the clean up process is beyond your basic ability.

Attempting to roll it up in the bathroom rug? Not a good idea.
Attempting to use a pair of your brother's shorts to sponge it up? Not a good idea.

Also, when trying to use toilet paper, it's best to unroll a few sheets versus rolling the entire intact roll across a turd over and over again into the white grout.

I was angry when I saw the mess, particularly since I have spent the morning wearing sunglasses and unplugged headphones due to a massive migraine that refuses to be medicated.

But when I went to flush and the toilet clogged? Oh, I was pissed.

Then in my attempts to plunge the toilet, it began to overflow...chunks of poopy toilet paper swirling around my feet as the bathroom flooded. I slipped on a renegade turd in my panic to close the bathroom door to contain the damage. You may remember this as the time when I began screaming, "GET IN YOUR ROOM! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, GET IN YOUR ROOM NOW!"

Luckily you took my advice, because had you been present when I reached down to turn the water valve off and my hair slipped out of its haphazard bun and TOUCHED TOILET WATER, I would most likely be writing this to you from jail.

(POOPY FUCKING TOILET WATER ON MY HAIR, LITTLE KID! And on my baseboards, yoga pants, feet, vanity, bathroom rug, roll of toilet paper,several towels and a pair of your brother's shorts.)

That, my friend, is why you are staying in your room forever. FOREVER. All the bleach and all of the scalding water and all of the laundry detergent in the world cannot erase what happened today.

I suggest you take a long nap.

I still love you, just from the other side of the house,
Mom

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

I cannot even beging to explain to you how much I related to this fiasco. Lets just say, 10 good, innocent towels lost their lives that night.

I was fortunate enough that my hair was shorter at the time, you have my heartfelt pity.

katie b said...

I'm so sorry that I laughed as I read that story. I honestly and truly do feel bad that you had to endure that unfortunate event, and I'm sure karma will get even with me for laughing at your story when my "little kid" gets older. He is still only 3 months old though so I still have some time...

Sullivans said...

LMAO!

Beth said...

One day you'll laugh about this Ashley. In the meantime, thanks for giving me a chuckle.

Former Fat Chick said...

were you barefoot??? In my mind you were barefoot and I threw up a little in my mouth..I still love the little kid too.

Shannon said...

Oh you poor thing! Kudos, you handled it way better than I would've.

Mom2Gizmo said...

Can you remind us of how old lk is? That made me laugh, but of course I sympathize...
Right now there is a lot of yelling in my house...my BK is 5 (almost 6) and my lk is 2...(and my teeny teeny lk is 3 months) but there is just a lot of yelling between the boys and you don't talk about that much, so I wondered...thanks!

Ashley said...

Big Kid is almost 6 and little kid is almost 3, and although they mostly get along well, there is a lot of yelling and sometimes hitting (and allegedly biting but they're both liars, so who knows). Sometimes I yell back, sometimes I separate them, but I mostly try to just ignore it or tell them to figure it out between themselves.

little kid is out, he's licking my arm as I type this.

And yes, I was barefoot...

Kimberly said...

Lost my lunch.

Life, Love And Lola said...

OMG Ashley!!! You poor thing! Pour yourself a tall glass of drugs...STAT!

Stereos and Souffles said...

Holy shit, that is hilarious (since it didn't happen to me.)
Renegade turd on the loose!

Lorena said...

The only consolation about all this is that one day he is going to have children of his own and you are going to be able to sit back and laugh her ass off, feeling absolutely NO PITY WHATSOEVER!

Lin said...

OMG...that's so funny! I've had the toilet overflow on me (due to someone else) one too many times. And each time I've wanted to hurt them so bad...

I literally laughed out loud due to the 'renegade turd'! You've totally made my day better with your funny story.

Kimberly said...

Oh.my.gosh. WHY did I read this while eating my lunch?! And I just cleaned up my own little girl's poop accident- though it was no where near as bad as yours!! (just poop in a swimsuit, on a few towels....) Barf. Good luck on the rest of your day!

parentingisoverrated said...

OMG! Hilarious!

Sassy Cass said...

Ew! That is nasty. Let me guess...LK thought it was hilarious. What is it with boys and their poop?

Jennifer said...

I'm sorry, but I can't stop laughing. I know it is going to come back to bite me.

Kira said...

OMGOMGOMG. That is so gross! Lol. How many showers did you have to take to feel better? ;)

Jerrod said...

you're adorable and you seem like you need a hug. Just take a shower first.

~Gretchen~ said...

they're just lucky we let them live, some days

Anonymous said...

Seriously- my kids totally know when to scoot to their rooms when such a fiasco happens! I guess it's just the tone of my screams. They know they are safest there!

julie & joe said...

OMG! I just got the best laugh from that. Been there! I'm so glad that other moms aren't calm, cool and collected all the time either.

Joy said...

OMFG that is fantastic:)

Glad he took your warning and stayed hidden, your too funny to go to jail.

Paige said...

oh dear

Anonymous said...

Hahaha the image of lk using an unrolled roll of TP to try and clean up his rogue poop is just too funny. By far my fave post!!

Caroline said...

I could not even read this out loud to my husband because I was laughing so hard. You REALLY need to compile all of these into a parenting book of short stories----instant best-seller!!!

sarah said...

ewewewewewwwwwwww. It just gets worse and worse!!

Craig and Christy said...

Okay, that's just funny shit (pun intended!) Thinking about LK trying to clean up the whole mess is almost of funny as your fiasco! Your hair in the poop water is classic! Girlfriend, get yourself and cocktail, you deserve it!

AJ said...

From vacation, to Cirque, to poopy hair. I am seeing a downward trend in your "fun and relaxation" factor.

Lauren said...

First, I am really sorry.

Second, I was cracking up as I read this. My hubby had to know what was so funny so I read it aloud. He just thought it was disgusting and not funny at all. Next time he is cleaning up the poop and pee accidents so that he can understand the humor in this.

I also would really like to understand the thought process that kids put in their creative ways of trying to hide their messes. Usually their method of choice just makes things more obvious.

Jeff9 said...

You need to get a hand held bathroom bidet sprayer and then you won't have the clogging problems from too much toilet paper. With these you almost don't need toilet paper anymore and it's much more sanitary. Makes cleaning the toilet itself a breeze also. For those of us who really like to be clean it is the best invention since the toilet. It is so much better than a stand alone bidet and this is why: 1. It's less expensive (potentially allot less) 2. You can install in yourself = no plumber expense 3. It works better by providing more control of where the water spray goes and a greater volume of water flow. 4. It requires no electricity and there are few things that can go wrong with it. 5. It doesn't take up any more space, many bathrooms don't have room for a stand alone bidet. 6. You don’t have to get up and move from the toilet to the bidet which can be rather awkward at times to say the least. Available at http://www.bathroomsprayers.com

reesethepug said...

Oh my God...my coworkers are looking at me like I'm insane because I'm laughing so hard. Hys-ter-ical.

Christina from Hong Kong said...

Holy shit (literally)! I am re-reading your blog because, seriously, after I stumbled upon your blog 5 years ago, nothing else has really managed to entertain me over my lunch hour at work as much.

This post made me ROFL! I hope you intend on showing little kid this post when he's all grown up! Too funny!

PS: From Feb 28 onwards, I will be known as "Christina from NYC". :) Looking forward to getting back! Hope all is well with you and your beautiful family. xo