Monday, November 16, 2009

Hi there

I know I've been boring lately, I don't really know why. Well, I guess I do, being around sick people isn't the best inspiration and the time change screwed me up and I go to bed so early now and The Renee was here so I was doing stuff.

Also, remember how I was going to write a book for NaNoWriMo in November?('cept not a novel and not exactly following the rules?) Yeah, that's not going so great. I secretly suspect that I go to bed early because night time is the only time I can write, and the thought of it just paralyzes me. No one can really argue with being too's not like I'm willfully not doing it--I'm just too tired to get as much done as I'd like.

But when I do (try to) write like you would for a book, I feel lazy and silly and boring when I then try to blog. I start so many entries and think, "Why would anyone care?" or that the entry doesn't wrap up nicely enough. That's sort of the problem with the book thing too, the constant "Why would someone buy this?" and "where is this going anyway?" mindset. But I know (or suspect) that the appeal of reading blogs is that it's like an ongoing conversation, or a peek into someone's diary, and that's much easier and more enjoyable to write, so I don't know why "booking" has managed to screw up "blogging". Basically we're back to me being neurotic and just putting the brakes on everything and sleeping instead.

I'm not depressed either, for anyone suspecting that. I'm actually doing great lately. I'm so glad I'm off of Effexor, it took 2 weeks of SHEER hell and sickness, then I threw up one night, slept 16 hours, and woke up pretty normal and was able to start living again. There are definitely days where the darkness or anxiety tries to creep in, but I'm better at noticing it and trying to either do something right then and there to improve whatever situation is causing me angst, or to just make a real decision to ignore it and remind myself that overall I'm doing well. I think I have a better perspective on things now or maybe just more of an appreciation for life. I'm glad I'm off of it, but also grateful I got some distance from my self who needed it in the first place.

So I've got no good excuse for being boring, just writer's block and serious doubt. I kind of want to write a novel, but have a couple of seriously smart, experienced-in-this people really encouraging me or offering to help me write a book along the lines of the blog, and I can just picture the, "omg, she will never get focused or get this done" looks I'd get if I decided to derail to do something I know nothing about. And I'm super lucky to have people who want to help me, so I need to take advantage of that before they wise up.

Truthfully though, I don't really want to be a "mommy blogger" or a "mommy author". Don't get me wrong, it's easy and fun and I love what we have going here, but aren't I a mom enough of the time already? It's ironic that I write parenting articles, manage a mom website, and write a mom blog (2, actually) and there are days that I'd rather do Mike Rowe's tasks on "Dirty Jobs" than be a mom, and we all know that I have no idea what I'm doing at least 90% of the time. I don't really want to be defined by motherhood, although it's by far my greatest accomplishment, I just still want to be "Ashley", too. I'm lucky to have all of it though--I love my job, love you guys (most of you), and love my kids (almost always).

I don't know. Now I want to file this away in the "Draft" folder, never to be seen again, because it sounds sort of whiny and more uncertain than I'd rather be. One day I should post everything in the draft folder, half-written. It would probably be pretty amusing and quite telling.

Well, I am semi-rambling and this is probably not even terribly interesting. I'm not really looking for feedback either, don't get me wrong, I always love comments, but this isn't one of those "Tell me I'm talented and pretty and the best thing since sliced bread" type of posts (but if you're just dying to say it, I won't stop you).

I've got to get to work. I do have other stuff for us to catch up on later and we'll try to normal things up around here by just doing it.


Theresa said...

I often wonder if I'll ever get to be what I want to be when I grow up. I'm a lawyer, but that isn't what I want to be when I grow up. Strange, right?

Unknown said...

Yes, that's it! I'm still hoping to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.

Theresa, I wanted to be a lawyer all through high school and my speech and debate teacher really encouraged me and even set me up with a meeting with a county prosecutor (I think?) who proceeded to tell me that I would most likely hate it, that she felt like she was wasting her life, she went from wanting to help people to hating people and that if she could go back in time she would tell herself to run fast and far. Needless to say, that ended my interest in a law career! It still cracks me up that she told me all of that though.

Cam said...

But of course you ARE pretty and talented and pretty and the best thing since sliced bread (and did I mention pretty?!)
Have a great day--love reading ALL the updates

Unknown said...

I am SO glad to hear/read that I'm not the only one that has posts that end up in the drafts folder. Or published posts that end up feeling whiny/wandering. I think sometimes, we just need to get those thoughts and feelings out.

And I, too, will always love reading your updates. You are truly my favorite blogger. /ass kissing. :-)

Former Fat Chick said...

my hope is to never grow up

Unknown said...

You know, FFC, that's really my fear--but maybe I'm looking at this all wrong. If I made not growing up my goal, I'd be kicking ass at it. Well, not totally kicking ass, but doing pretty good, better than at being a full time grown up.

I like this. A new, new, new life plan may be in order.

Furiously Curious said...

A long time ago, maybe it was a year? Anyway, I posted that you should write a novel in response to something you had written. I don't see you so much writing a book like this blog (though I love it and a book like that would be great--I'm a total crack whore for this blog although I don't have kids and can't relate to some things--it's all still funny as hell) but I think you could write an awesome novel.

I say this strictly from gut instinct. I just feel this about you.

That is all.

Anonymous said...

I think you can write a book...just not in a month, NaNoWriMo is hard!! Just start doing it and planning to get it done and start the next book after that. It can't hurt to try right? All you would be wasting is time and I think you could get published! You should keep at it!!

-Sara from A.W. ;-)

Theresa said...

Ashley - I'm pretty sure I've given that same speech about "running far and fast" to young aspiring lawyers. It is unfortunate that there are a lot of icky lawyers out there practicing law and making all of us miserable. There are good lawyers too, but the bad outweigh the good (or at least it feels that way). So now you've heard it from two sources - don't become a lawyer.

Joy said...

You need to stop looking for a purpose... and just do what feels right.

When you are writing - write as if you are only writing for yourself, that no one will read it. That is often the very best stuff that is out there.

I love your blog - we are the same age, and I can relate to a lot that you write. If it makes you feel any better - you are not alone with many of your thoughts/feelings.

Anonymous said...

Ambivilance is so natural. I think we all feel it all the time. You are no one special (ha ha- kidding). What I'm trying to say is that you are a great writer and if you wanted to write a novel, it would be a good one- I'm sure of it.

Susan in Texas

Anonymous said...

It's good because you don't over think it and you make the ordinary mom stuff interesting and funny. Do you read David Sedaris? I think your blog-book would be similar to his, chapters of amusing stories from your life as a mom. I think it would be great and would like to see more books about the ordinary lives of strong, cool, funny moms. Then start writing novels! Why not??