Thursday, August 30, 2007

These Damn Kids

You know, my house used to look similar to those you see in the Pottery Barn catalogs. I took great pride in choosing eclectic but matching pieces of furniture and decor that had character.

Now it looks like the fucking Fisher Price ghetto. I'm tired of primary colored plastic crap, I'm even tired of the classic wooden toys, rockers and pedal cars I've bought them. I'm sick of the fucking Elmo figurines and the Hot Wheels cars that hurt like a sonofabitch when you step on them in the middle of the night. I'm tired of seeing play food scattered throughout the house and wedged into fine pieces of pottery that I purchased many moons ago. The next time I find alphabet magnets in my rice steamer I'm just going to go apeshit and throw the whole kit and caboodle into the woods. THIS IS MY HOUSE DAMMIT!!!!

The little kid just pulled down a primitive sugar mold candle holder (mine is black and has more holes and no stand, but you get the idea) and two of the glass candles inside broke. I am ticked. I don't know anywhere locally to purchase them, am unsure if I can find purple glass again and I don't really have the money to be replacing decorative things that we don't use.

Between the pets and the kids, I just can't have anything nice. Next time I want to splurge on something I'm just going to puke on it, roll it in cat hair and then bounce test it until pieces fly off and then I'll remember why I shouldn't bother.

These kids better grow up to be rich, they owe me big time. BIG TIME. They'll be paying me back, as a matter of fact I'm going to go start an invoice for the little kid right now. Destructive little punk.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

OMG once agian you crack me up-an invoice that is too funny. Only good thing about all of those toys everywhere is if someone ever decides to break into your house they would trip in the dark and kill themselves on all the crap in the floor, that is always my excuse for leaving it there at night:)

Debbie said...

In a fire, The Hubby and I have agreed we'll hunker down under the giant pile of Fisher-Price doo-dads. It may melt a little, but you KNOW that shit can't be destroyed. Of course, we'll probably suffer permanent brain damage from lead paint fumes, but no more than we would raising a child.

~Gretchen~ said...

i tried so hard to limit the number of toys in our house and had kept it down to a reasonable volume. i threatened family members at every holiday and had 'no gift' birthdays.

then dixie came along. then dixie's stuff came along. then dixie's gma came along with more stuff. i feel like someone vomited disney princesses all over my house.

i feel your pain.

Sasha said...

Just go ahead and surrender. As LK gets older, it's just going to get worse. Last year I added a freaking room on to my house because I hadn't seen my fireplace in 2 years.

Happy Homemaker said...

Funny!

Buford Betty said...

So true... I love it.

Renee said...

It sucks, doesn't it? Remember when William broke my Baby Jesus last Christmas? Oh man, I was ready to ship his butt off to Bethlehem. You can have some nice things again in about.....15 years.

Sarah said...

"...and the Hot Wheels cars that hurt like a sonofabitch when you step on them in the middle of the night."

Tell me about it sister. I have 3 boyz!

QueenMother said...

I have eradicated my house of Fisher Price. Imagine my GLEE when the dumb ass recalls came out, and I had no Dora, Diego or Elmo in the house. My poor children are left to play with the old tupperware and the dog hair that covers the floor on the six days of week that the housekeeper isn't here. You need to straigthen those fools out, Ashley. They are cramping you big time! Have you find a job or apprenticeship for the big kid, yet? He is way too mouthy for my taste. A little indentured servitude would serve him well.

brie said...

see ashley, this is why we cant have nice things!

Lotta said...

Hilarious and so true. I understand why my parents used to cry "Why can't we have anything nice!" now that I have kids and a dog.