Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Please sir, Can I have another?

I have to go to the dentist soon because one of my teeth is hurting me. First off, let me say that I have no dental insurance and I chose my dentist because of his ability to get me into his office very quickly and because he doesn't make me wait once I'm there and because he seemed nice. Here are a few things I don't like about the bastard:

*He has no concept of "broke". "You can't afford not to take care of your teeth." Well yeah, I get that but since you don't take payments or barter eggs or clay beads, I simply can't produce the currency that you require in order to take care of my teeth.

*He's a condescending ass. "I'm seeing some decay on these front teeth, Mary" (Mary is his 100 year old sweet-as-pie assistant) "Perhaps it is from all that morning sickness she had, Doctor." "No, it's probably because she doesn't floss enough." I can hear you asshole. I'm a human being. You're right though, it probably is because I don't floss enough.

*He treats me like a crack head. I don't get off on Novocaine. I don't know if there is an epidemic of people getting cavities filled in order to get their Novocaine fix, but I can find cheaper and less painful ways to get my swerve on. Numb isn't really my style, frankly. If I ask for more Novocaine, don't get all pissy and tell me I should be numb and don't do your little exaggerated sighing routine as you shoot me up again. I'm not faking this shit. I'm not yelping and jumping out of the chair to irritate you. I agree, two Novocaine shots should do it, I apparently have some sort of tolerance to the shit.

*I swear he only got into dentistry so he could have a captive audience. I am all for good conversationalists, HOWEVER, I am a little sick of hearing how fucking great this guy is. What a great dentist he is, how he graduated in the top of his class, how he owned a restaurant in Spain, the kid he saved from the locked car in the parking lot, the dogs he saved from the locked van in the parking lot (dangerous Dobermans at that), how he stitched his friend's head up in the Bahamas and then they went surfing (last time I checked, not much surf there). I get it. You're smart. You've lived a privileged life. You are a fucking hero. Now how about some more Novocaine?

*His total unwillingness to prescribe pain killers. Honestly, I don't even like pain killers. God, being the sneaky jokester that he is, has made sure that I get horrible vertigo and nausea if I even look at anything in a prescription bottle. Me, drug loving me, only took Motrin after giving birth both times. However, he doesn't prescribe it because "good dentistry doesn't hurt." Like hell it doesn't. I'm sorry, any time any one is drilling into your head, it is going to hurt, especially if you're a bitch about providing Novocaine. Mr. Ashley had some wisdom teeth pulled and he ABSOLUTELY deserved something stronger than Tylenol III.

So, you now have some insight as to why I'm totally dreading my next visit and why I put things off until they hurt. Which just makes him shake his head and tell Mary about how you can't help people, they have to help themselves and that's what is so hard about dentistry. He gives these lectures with my mouth stuck open and stuffed full of cotton, so I'm unable to defend myself. There is no excuse for tooth neglect though, so it's probably best that I don't even try.

I need a new dentist, I just don't want to pay for the whole "new patient consultation" scam. My hairdresser has a dentist that gives gas for cleanings. I think that is good incentive to get your teeth cleaned and he may be (read: is definitely) worth the extra money.


jennifer said...

Oh honey, that sounds AWFUL!!! My mouth aches after reading that. Seriously, scrimp on *something* and get a better dentist: asshole + drilling + no pain meds = nightmare!

I have a pretty sensitive stomach to narcotics too (even my epidural made me hurl for a few hours), but I recall when I had my teeth pulled as long as I'd eaten first I could take the pain med.

Renee said...

Oh my, that does sound terrible. What a cast of funny characters you have in your life. I'm very sorry your dentist is so stingy with the drugs. That sucks.

Deb said...

Mary sounds nice.

Unknown said...

LOL Deb..

I can't stand going to the dentist either and if it's not completely nessacary or I'm not screaming in pain, I abstain from visiting him..
However, my dentist is freakin' HOT.. it does help, I have to say.

Unknown said...

My oral surgeon was so hot I was hoping he would molest me while he had me unconscious.

He didn't though, major bummer.

Unknown said...


Now I have something to hope for the next time I go in to see him. I'll ask for the gas mask 'just because'..

Anonymous said...

You must leave him! Find a NICE dentist-the type that gives gas. I am so freaked out at the dentist-this guy would have me crying by the end of the appt.