So today I had to rush the Big Kid to the doctor for a bleeding penis problem. I'll spare you the details, but just imagine that it was really no fun at all. He's fine, we think. As fine as someone with such an issue can be.
Afterwards, I returned a dress to J. Crew and briefly considered telling Mr. Ashley that they'd only give me store credit and go on a shopping spree for myself, but I "did the right thing" and abstained. Only because we really are broke now with our fucktard tenant moving out, not because I have any kind of moral ground or obligation to be honest in my marriage when it comes to shopping.
Then I decided that the Big Kid needed a haircut. It went like this:
Ashley: Hi! We're here to get the Big Kid a haircut.
Hair lady: Okay, right this way.
Big Kid: NO! I tell you NO! Big Kid is not getting a hair cut, The Big Kid's hair is not tall enough.
Ashley: Uh, your hair is plenty tall. It's the length that is the real concern. Hop up.
Big Kid: NO! I will not, I can not, I am not getting a hair cut today. I am not, mudder!
Ashley: Yes, you are.
Big Kid: Oh no, no I am not.
Ashley: Do you want to get your hair cut or do you want me to put your computer in time out?
Big Kid: I will not get my hair cut.
Ashley: So you understand that your computer is going to be in time out?
Big Kid: It's going to be mad at you. It is going to be so mad at you.
Ashley: I don't care.
Big Kid: I am going to be so mad at you.
Ashley: I don't care. Get up there and get your hair cut.
Big Kid: NO, I say no. Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope.
Ashley: Fine. We'll be back tomorrow.
Hair lady: Um, okay.
(in parking lot)
Big Kid: My computer is not going to be in time out, mudder. It is not. It will be mad at you fwom the top of the fwidge.
Ashley: I'm fine with that. I'm mad that you aren't getting a hair cut. It will be mad at me, on top of the fridge, until your hair is cut.
(on cell phone)
Ashley: Mr. Ashley, please take the Big Kid's computer and put it on the top of the fridge.
Big Kid: WAAAAAHHHH!! NO! NOOOOO! HE CANNOT DO IT!! HE CANNOT DO IT TO MY COMPUTER!!
Ashley: So do you want to get your hair cut?
Big Kid: I can't.
Ashley: Why not?
Big Kid: Because I'm a kwerl.
Ashley: Because you're a girl?
Big Kid: I'm a squir-rel, wike da aminal.
Ashley: Hmmm, well you'll be a squirrel with a nice hair cut then.
Big Kid: I am so mad at you.
(back in the salon)
Ashley: Hi, we're back for a hair cut.
Hair lady: (fearful) okay, right this way.
Big Kid: The Big Kid sits in THIS chair.
Ashley: Can he sit in this chair?
Hair Lady: No, that's not my chair.
Ashley: Sit here Big Kid.
Big Kid: No, Big Kid sits here.
Ashley: Okay, let's go home and put your computer up.
Big Kid: Otay, otay, I sit.
Hair Lady: So you're going to get a nice hair cut?
Big Kid: No, no I'm not. My hair is not tall enough for a hair cut.
Ashley: Ignore him.
Hair Lady: It's plenty long enough, you'll be handsome.
Bid Kid: Wook, I am fwustwated, I am exhausted and I don't wike what you're doing. I don't wike dat.
Hair Lady: Did he just say he is frustrated?
Ashley: Yes, frustrated and exhausted. He says that all the time. He also tells me his brother is exhausted, usually when he's tired of him touching his things.
Hair Lady: That's really funny.
Ashley: Not really.
Big Kid: I am so fwustwated. I am fwustwated wif you mudder.
Ashley: That's fine. I know the feeling.
Then the other hairdresser came over and proved that he would disagree with anything she said...and he did. They were good buddies by the time it was all over with though and he agrees that his hair looks nicer than it has in a long time.
His birthday is coming up and he keeps telling me he's just going to stay three. He'll skip presents and a party and cake and all that, because he is not turning four. He just can't because he is three. I wish I had known that before I planned the party and enrolled him in the super pricey pre-k....