Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Frustrated & Exhausted

So today I had to rush the Big Kid to the doctor for a bleeding penis problem. I'll spare you the details, but just imagine that it was really no fun at all. He's fine, we think. As fine as someone with such an issue can be.

Afterwards, I returned a dress to J. Crew and briefly considered telling Mr. Ashley that they'd only give me store credit and go on a shopping spree for myself, but I "did the right thing" and abstained. Only because we really are broke now with our fucktard tenant moving out, not because I have any kind of moral ground or obligation to be honest in my marriage when it comes to shopping.

Then I decided that the Big Kid needed a haircut. It went like this:

Ashley: Hi! We're here to get the Big Kid a haircut.
Hair lady: Okay, right this way.
Big Kid: NO! I tell you NO! Big Kid is not getting a hair cut, The Big Kid's hair is not tall enough.
Ashley: Uh, your hair is plenty tall. It's the length that is the real concern. Hop up.
Big Kid: NO! I will not, I can not, I am not getting a hair cut today. I am not, mudder!
Ashley: Yes, you are.
Big Kid: Oh no, no I am not.
Ashley: Do you want to get your hair cut or do you want me to put your computer in time out?
Big Kid: I will not get my hair cut.
Ashley: So you understand that your computer is going to be in time out?
Big Kid: It's going to be mad at you. It is going to be so mad at you.
Ashley: I don't care.
Big Kid: I am going to be so mad at you.
Ashley: I don't care. Get up there and get your hair cut.
Big Kid: NO, I say no. Nope. Nuh-uh. Nope.
Ashley: Fine. We'll be back tomorrow.
Hair lady: Um, okay.

(in parking lot)
Big Kid: My computer is not going to be in time out, mudder. It is not. It will be mad at you fwom the top of the fwidge.
Ashley: I'm fine with that. I'm mad that you aren't getting a hair cut. It will be mad at me, on top of the fridge, until your hair is cut.

(on cell phone)
Ashley: Mr. Ashley, please take the Big Kid's computer and put it on the top of the fridge.
Ashley: So do you want to get your hair cut?
Big Kid: I can't.
Ashley: Why not?
Big Kid: Because I'm a kwerl.
Ashley: Because you're a girl?
Big Kid: I'm a squir-rel, wike da aminal.
Ashley: Hmmm, well you'll be a squirrel with a nice hair cut then.
Big Kid: I am so mad at you.
Ashley: Okay.
(back in the salon)
Ashley: Hi, we're back for a hair cut.
Hair lady: (fearful) okay, right this way.
Big Kid: The Big Kid sits in THIS chair.
Ashley: Can he sit in this chair?
Hair Lady: No, that's not my chair.
Ashley: Sit here Big Kid.
Big Kid: No, Big Kid sits here.
Ashley: Okay, let's go home and put your computer up.
Big Kid: Otay, otay, I sit.
Hair Lady: So you're going to get a nice hair cut?
Big Kid: No, no I'm not. My hair is not tall enough for a hair cut.
Ashley: Ignore him.
Hair Lady: It's plenty long enough, you'll be handsome.
Bid Kid: Wook, I am fwustwated, I am exhausted and I don't wike what you're doing. I don't wike dat.
Hair Lady: Did he just say he is frustrated?
Ashley: Yes, frustrated and exhausted. He says that all the time. He also tells me his brother is exhausted, usually when he's tired of him touching his things.
Hair Lady: That's really funny.
Ashley: Not really.
Big Kid: I am so fwustwated. I am fwustwated wif you mudder.
Ashley: That's fine. I know the feeling.

Then the other hairdresser came over and proved that he would disagree with anything she said...and he did. They were good buddies by the time it was all over with though and he agrees that his hair looks nicer than it has in a long time.

His birthday is coming up and he keeps telling me he's just going to stay three. He'll skip presents and a party and cake and all that, because he is not turning four. He just can't because he is three. I wish I had known that before I planned the party and enrolled him in the super pricey pre-k....


Unknown said...

Note to self: Be sure and finish any and all beverages BEFORE reading Ashley's blog so as to avoid the inevitable spray that shoots from my nose and fwustwates the heck out of me when I have to clean my keyboard.

Deb said...

Maybe the pre-k can give you a "store credit" that you can turn around and spend at J. Crew.

I love Big Kid. He reminds me that everything I say will someday be parroted back to me in a bad way. I'm trying to learn from you, I really am, but I suspect I won't change my behavior and I'll have a Big Kid eventually, too.

Kate said...

My own "Big Kid" is 16 and yes, we all end up with mirror images of ourselves. Nothing will change it - NOTHING. I've even tried apologizing to my mom for everything I might have done. She just tells me, "You birthed it" and laughs. Its some kind of cruel joke the gods have. I can say however, you are lucky your "Big Kid"s are boys...my middle kid is a girl and WOW talk about paybacks are a bitch! My only hope is my Little Kid will be the angel I know I was....

Cinnamon said...

I just love your convos with Big Kid. His last comment reminded me SOOO much of my Big Kid. We had the discussion of him staying three and me turning four instead of him. Shoot, I'll take that any day.

tommie said...

I hope you gave her a big tip!

Anonymous said...

OH Lord-keep your big kid away from the caveman-they would self destruct with all their age inappropriate behavior and despotic acts.

Anonymous said...

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