A few weird things that have happened to me lately:
I went through the drive through of McDonald's the other day (I know, I'm a terrible mother. My kids love transfats. They are doomed) and I pull up to the window and have the following exchange:
Ashley: Thank you. Could I have some salt, please?
Manager (I could tell by the kerchief): Salt bebe?
Ashley: (Did he just call me baby? That would be so inappropriate. Perhaps it was maybe? Maybe something is lost in translation here) Um, yes, salt.
Manager: Here is your salt, bebe.
Ashley: (Sitting there in shock. Do I say something? I must be mishearing. Why is he smiling like that? Is he reaching into the car? Oh. Your food, take the food and go). Uh, thanks.
So as I'm pulling away I'm thinking, what the fuck just happened there? I am a MARRIED woman. He is the MANAGER of McDonalds. I have two kids in carseats in the backseat.
Then I start thinking of all the things I should have done. I should have said "Excuse me sir, I am a MARRIED woman, I am not your baby." and taken down his name to complain. I should have at least looked at him in disdain.
Then I got to thinking that I must be looking pretty damn hot these days and realized that if some 22 year old Abercrombie and Fitch model called me bebe I'd be flying high. But it wasn't a 22 year old Abercrombie and Fitch model and that changes everything.
Then the Big Kid starts whining for his chocolate milk and I go to grab it and realize there is none. The McDonald's Cassanova forgot our drinks. Fuck, fuck, fuck. We needed those drinks too because we were going somewhere that would not have drinks and it was hot and we were thirsty and were about to eat fries. Motherfucker. So two U-turns later, we're back and of course there is a line. And of course I can't run in because I have 2 kids and would never leave them in the car. So I wait and wait, only to find myself back in front of Lover Boy again.
Ashley: You forgot my drinks, a chocolate milk and a Coke.
The Flirty Fucktard: Oh, how could I forget you, bebe?
Ashley (Stunned disbelief. Do something, do something right this second)...(holds out hand for drinks)
TFF: Have a great day bebe!
What in the fucking world was going on with this guy? What the hell should I have done? I did manage to look disgusted the last time, or at least I tried. I was just shocked.
So Sunday I was at Super Walmart (Until the Super Target opens, it's a necessary evil). Both kids are in the shopping cart. The little kid is being an absolute doll and has made contact with everyone in the store, regardless of race, native tongue, or sex, and I have caught 4 or 5 people touching his hands. The kid is a total cupcake. The Big Kid was sitting happily and quietly in the cart, dressed adorably and just as handsome as they get.
Senior Citizen: I'm so glad that I'm not you.
Ashley: (shocked expression) It's not THAT bad. (Awkward pause as we stare at each other)
Senior Citizen: I had four.
Ashley: Then you're twice as crazy as I am.
We then went on to have a fairly nice conversation, but still, who the hell walks up to someone and says "I'm so glad I'm not you"? Okay, maybe to a burn victim or Bin Laden or an amputee or a mother of sextuplets, but to a tan, happy, quiet family doing some Sunday shopping? Totally weird.
Then, and you're not going to believe this, I was checking out and I said thanks and goodbye to my cashier and he said, "Bye baby".....I'm not shitting you. I couldn't believe it. He was Haitian and the other guy was Hispanic, so this was not a cultural thing. I am NOT hitting on people or giving off any looks or vibes (Believe it or not, I manage to refrain from coming on to every McDonald's Manager or one armed Walmart cashier I run into). I have kids with me, so it's not like I appear to be available. What the fuck is going on here?
Maybe I am looking hot these days....These extra 10lbs attract some attention...