Friday, July 6, 2007

Dear Victoria Beckham,

I've been meaning to write to you for some time now. Originally, I was just going to keep it short and sweet, you know, suggest that you eat a sandwich or two and try to smile every once in a while. Point out that you're beginning to resemble Skeletor. Tell you that I want to tie up your husband and cover him with cream cheese....well, we'll save that for another time.

Because something more important has come up. We'll call it..."Worst Career Move EVER". Technically I'm not even sure what your career is at this point, other than being yourself. I had almost completely forgotten the whole Posh Spice thing. I'll bet you some people didn't even know about that at all and just knew you as the hip and stylish Mrs. Beckham. But then. Then you went and announced that you're doing a SPICE GIRLS REUNION TOUR??? Are you fucking kidding me? Am I on Punked or something? I'm too incredulous to even laugh.

Your husband makes enough money to buy a small country and you're selling your dignity to be a fucking Spice Girl again? A Spice Girl Reunion. Lordy, Lordy. I understand why you did it the first time around. I am all for selling out (anyone interested in asking me to sell out in any way, please don't hesitate) but this is just insane. Fuck women's lib and independence and all of that bullshit, sometimes it is a good thing to be Mrs. Somebody. Definitely good to be Mrs. David Beckham, I should think (and I have thought...oh, how I've thought).

I'm pretty good at predicting celebrity misfortune and embarrassment (I was right on with my Lindsey Lohan, Paris and Britney predictions) and I would be willing to bet big bucks that we're all going to look back on this one day and laugh. Well, you may not laugh. And I'll probably be laughing sooner rather than later. Oh, and your boobs...they are totally and completely ridiculous.




the rural rube said...

"eat a sandwich" - that's hilarious!
Wow, the boobs are ridiculous.
You kill me, once again, Ash!

jennifer said...

OMG...I am right there with you! BUT, I thought the dumb career move was her supposed reality show...WTF? Regardless, that chick needs to seriously lay off the bleach and tanning...she is looking more and more like haggard white trash.

And, I just read (yeah, ok, I occasionally read the celebrity smut) she's having some massive closet built in her new CA home that will include a computer to keep track of what she wears every day. That's fucking ridiculous.

traci b said...

She's a skank whore...what was David thinking??? His friend's must have told him...dude, you can sleep with those girls but you don't MARRY them!!

Anonymous said...

Sooooo-tell me what you want, what you really, really want???? Hey Posh-YOUR HUSBAND!!! QM

tommie said...

I do like her haircut though. But those boobies are just scary...

Deb said...

I think she's being generous -- you know, like Sting -- and helping her impoverished sisters out. The other Spicelettes haven't married as well, so they probably need the dough and she's throwing them a bone.

Oh, and who's that one in the middle in the peasant dress? Did she not get the memo about skank-ho attire only?

I predict you'll be right again. You always are, Ashley.

Buford Betty said...

OMG hilarious. You should totally send this to Perez if you haven't.