Friday, July 27, 2007

Vacation update

Tubing was great, the scenery was unbelievably beautiful. I even jumped off of a rope swing twice. Would you believe that I have jumped out of an airplane (willingly) but I was scared as fucking hell to jump off of that tree and swing over the water? A pack of English kids had to talk me into it. I only went after the Big Kid did it twice. It was fun, I refuse to get old dammit.

I also showered outside every single time and it was heaven to sit out there under the stars, smelling honeysuckle nearby and soaping up. Sigh. I want to go back.

A few observations:
-North Florida, way too much inbreeding going on here. Everyone's eyes are way too close together and beady looking or bulging and foreheads are too big. I've also never seen so many fat pale people.

-Rednecks and jean shorts. What is up with this? Why cut offs and not board shorts or swim trunks?? There must be chafing going on and they take forever to dry. I just don't get it.

-Too many kids. We all know that my rule is no more than three and that's only if you didn't get a girl/boy combo with the first two. However, the official ruling on how much is too much is when you can no longer keep track of them. I actually saw a woman lose her 13 month old on the river and then scream at all of her kids that they needed to fend for themselves. She was pissed at the 13 month old, btw. Her kids names were Cheyenne, Timber, Wyatt, Brianna and then there were 3 more. I know this because I heard her scream their names 50 times while I was trying to relax.

That being said, as soon as Mr. Ashley and I dump that fucking rental condo we're going to buy land up there. I WILL have a summer home and there WILL be tubing every summer.

The little kid took his first steps up there. I was so glad Mr. Ashley and I both got to see and it was special that I was huDgely pregnant there this time last year and then he took his first steps there one year later. Awwww. My baby.

Speaking of my baby, I almost left him in a parking lot near Tampa. He cried for 2 hours on the way home. We stopped at Chuck E. Cheese's to wear them out and that did not work. Just so you know, if you let your kids walk up the skee ball ramp to place the balls in the hole and then scream at them when they don't put the ball into the 5,000 point hole...you are ghetto trash and I reserve the right to give you dirty looks and point you out to Mr. Ashley while shaking my head.

So I'm home and I'm glad to be home but I wish I could just live on vacation. My house is a wreck. Today is The Renee's last day here and I want to cry. Last night we went to the Cheesecake Factory and ate such an insane amount I had to unbutton my pants for the ride home. Once she's gone you'll get more of me. I'm off to meet her at the teacher supply store and a farewell lunch.

I will see you all later, I have lots more to say (surprise, surprise, huh?)

14 comments:

Jenn said...

Loved the picture from the previous post; it was beautiful.

If I demand that there will be a vacation home and tubing, do you think it will work for me?

Katie said...

Delurking here to say that I think you and I have the EXACT SAME mil. I know, everyone will say this, but I PROMISE, that was SO my week of July 4. My GOD. And the "train-of-thought" conversation I call "Orange Shirt In April", b/c in my situation every SINGLE story somehow gets derailed with "I think this was in the spring, April...I think April. Yes, it was April because he/she/I was wearing that orange shirt that Aunt Blah Blah gave me...or did I have on the blue dress? I think it was the orange shirt..." WHO CARES???? My GOD.

However, I will say that you are more brave than me as I could NEVER post about my ACTUAL opinion of family members as they also read my blog. Oh...wait...I guess you are also SMARTER than me b/c you probably didn't TELL them your blog address....aaaah...

Cake said...

Delurking too to say I'm glad you had such a great time. Work was boring not having your wit to read!

Thanks for making me smile and rolling my eyes and nodding my head in agreement!

Cake

tommiea said...

sounds like a great trip despite all the wackiness....

magnolia mama said...

This is probably one of the funniest posts I've ever read. I know we can all relate to some degree.

ErIn said...

Sounds like y'all had a great vacation! I live in N. FL (not far from Gainesville/Jax) and I totally LMFAO at your inbreeding comment. It really is true! But the springs are just amazing aren't they? We go a couple times a summer and I'm pretty sure I've never lost any of my kids (there). Anyways, thanks for the laughs and welcome home!

ErIn said...

Sounds like y'all had a great vacation! I live in N. FL (not far from Gainesville/Jax) and I totally LMFAO at your inbreeding comment. It really is true! But the springs are just amazing aren't they? We go a couple times a summer and I'm pretty sure I've never lost any of my kids (there). Anyways, thanks for the laughs and welcome home!

Burrus Boys said...

You know, you totally made me appreciate my mother-in-law a lot more.

Glad you're back. The baby butt picture was cute, but staring at it for a week when I was jones-ing for a new post got discouraging after a while. :)

Lady Tramaine said...

Does your SMIL have an evil twin sister? Cause I think she is MY SMIL! WOW..you handle it way better than me. I am right there with you.. I am already dreading(meaning already drinking) a weekend in August that we will have to stay with them!
Glad you are back!

atlanta social said...

Totally feel you on the MIL/drinking. I have to bring vodka when we visit the in-laws because they are in a dry county too.

The judgement oozes from her pores.

Happy Homemaker said...

Seriously, we REALLY do share the same mother-in-law. The good with the bad: socially inept, but kind-hearted. Loved the post!

mlatulip said...

I can't believe that there are actually dry counties left in the world. I think that although this place is GORGEOUS and I would love to go there, I just couldn't, because I'd probably run out of my 1.5L of Smirnoff at some point and would end up killing someone.

Welcome home.

Deb said...

I don't even know where to begin. I laughed, I cried, and I laughed some more. Sounds like a great trip. Yay on the first steps and finding love for your IL's!!

ME ME ME said...

The Cheesecake Factory Appetizer Extravaganza was insane - I still feel full, 3 days later. I miss you! Thanks for your hospitality! We had such a great time hanging out with you and the kids.