Tuesday, July 17, 2007

He Always Gets it Wrong

HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: Hey, this girl on my blog says I'm funny.
Mr. Ashley: Hmmmm.

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: Hey, this girl on my blog says I'm funny.
Mr. Ashley: Of course she does, you're the funniest person I've ever met. The hottest too. The first time I laid eyes on you I said, "There's the woman I'm going to marry." I have read every word you've ever written, I check your blog daily and I'm your biggest fan. I wake up every morning and look at your sweet angelic face and think, "How did I get so lucky? Why me?" It makes me so happy to realize the rest of the world is recognizing your genius. Hey, let's buy you a Blackberry so you can stay in touch on the road!


HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: I need a typewriter
Mr. Ashley: Hmmm.
Ashley: I do.
Mr. Ashley: Why?
Ashley: For all kinds of stuff. But it can't be a cheesy new one, I want an antique one. You know those kind that actually press into the paper? Like a black one. One that looks cool. I have all kinds of things I need it for.
Mr. Ashley: Hmmm.
Ashley: Can I get one?
Mr. Ashley: Not now. We'll talk about it later.

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: I need a typewriter.
Mr. Ashley: Really baby? That would be really cool. You are so smart and so pretty and you're such a good writer. I would love to encourage you in that. What kind of typewriter do you need?
Ashley: An antique one. Something really cool.
Mr. Ashley: Done. I thought of this yesterday and ordered one off of Ebay. It used to be Hemingway's. You deserve it, my love. You are going to do great things, my sweet.

HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: The manager at McDonald's called me bebe.
Mr. Ashley: Hmmmmm. That's funny.
Ashley: How is that funny?
Mr. Ashley: (Watching Deadliest Catch)

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: The manager at McDonald's called me bebe.
Mr. Ashley: I am going down there and kicking that bastard's ass. You may be absolutely gorgeous but that gives him no right to hit on MY WIFE. When will I ever get over this fear of losing you? I didn't realize what a burden it would be to marry such a sensational human being. I love you Ashley, I will always love you. Please promise me that you'll never go back to that McDonald's, I can't stand the thought of another man calling you bebe.

HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: I need new shoes.
Mr. Ashley: You just got flip flops.
Ashley: No, I need shoes that will match my new dress. Remember those really cute black peep toe sling back shoes I had?
Mr. Ashley: No.
Ashley: I always wore them with that little black business suit with the short skirt. Remember? They were like black and they weren't shiny, they were matte and they were high but not too high and looked really good on me. I think I got them from Nine West. Remember?
Mr. Ashley: No.
Ashley: Anyway, I need new shoes and a new bra to go with that new dress. Otherwise I can't even wear it.
Mr. Ashley: Hmmm.
Ashley: Please?
Mr. Ashley: Not right now, let's talk about it later.

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: I need new shoes.
Mr. Ashley: Here's my credit card. Buy yourself a whole new wardrobe. And book yourself a spa day. And a weekend in Fiji without the kids. I love you darling, buy yourself whatever you think you need.

HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: I don't want to clean the house.
Mr. Ashley: (looking around at mess) Hmmm.
Ashley: I'm tired.
Mr. Ashley: Me too.

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: I don't want to clean the house.
Mr. Ashley: You don't have to, sweetheart. I don't want my beautiful wife to spend one precious moment on drudgery like housework. I have hired a nanny/maid. Go take a nap, you work hard and you deserve it, Gorgeous. You must be way more tired than I am.

HOW IT WENT:
Ashley: Hey, remember how when we were pregnant that my group of online friends hated that other group of girls online?
Mr. Ashley: No.
Ashley: You don't remember? I told you all about them. They called us seagulls and we got into that big fight about that Chinese lady that was pretending to be pregnant with quintuplets and I made up that bandcamp story about it and I got a warning from Babycenter? Then I wrote to the moderator, Missy, and told her that I'm sorry that she didn't want to hear about my summer in bandcamp and I'll knock it off but that I didn't think the warning was fair? You don't remember that?
Mr. Ashley: No.
Ashley: Oh, well we're all friends now.
Mr. Ashley: Hmmm.

HOW IT SHOULD HAVE GONE:
Ashley: Hey, remember how when we were pregnant that my group of online friends hated that other group of girls online?
Mr. Ashley: Yes, yes I do. I hated them too. I hate everyone you hate.
Ashley: Well we're friends now.
Mr. Ashley: Well thank God they came to their senses. I think that's wonderful you have so many online relationships. I'm sure they are really cool girls. Tell me their names again, I want to know all about them.

9 comments:

Deb said...

Oh, honey, he's simply not worthy.

Jenn said...

Perhaps with continued prodding and practice and script suggestions placed under his pillow?

Until then, there are others of us in complete and total adoration of you, who hang on each word that you say.

Traci said...

I guess he really isn't worthy... but he does make some cute kids so keep him around for a little while longer, mm kay?
My Hubs would say all the 'how it should have gone' convos, only in the most sarcastic tone you will ever hear..
They really just don't get it...

Happy Homemaker said...

So true and so funny! Have a great vacation!

In the Trenches of Mommyhood said...

Our husbands would get along wonderfully.

Burrus Boys said...

My husband says that grunting is his way of expressing exactly what I'm thinking and I should just fill in all the blanks after, "Huh," with whatever I feel like. This is why we are deeply in debt.

Fluffy Windover said...

HAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAA! You have perfectly captured:
a) my actual relationship with the BHE and
b)my fantasy relationship with the BHE.

So tomorrow is our 4 year wedding anniversary, and I made reservations at this swanky steakhouse. But I did it online, and put it in the BHE's name so that they would think my husband would actually take the initiative to make reservations for our anniversary himself. As if.

tommiea said...

sounds like a conversation that could be had in most households!

Henna said...

You totally redefined LOL... :D