Wednesday, July 18, 2007


I've always had a hard time narrowing down the craziest thing I've ever done. Was it that time I ended up doing tequila shots in that basement under that nightclub in Cancun with those Mexican bartenders? That month I hung out in South Beach and did Ecstasy for weeks on end? My impromptu decision to live in Key Largo for a summer, with no vehicle, job or money? All of those crazy Fantasy Fest nights in Key West where only God knows what I did? (sorry you had to see all that, God)

No, that was nothing. The things listed above are all positively vanilla compared to the crazy shit I did today. Today I......went to a craft store with 6 kids under 6.

"WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?" I hear you shouting. I thought nothing of it really. I've taken two before, but when in large groups it is like they multiply. 6 kids becomes as chaotic as 12. Stuff flying off the shelves, people hanging on carts, screaming, crying, packages breaking open, aisles being run down, gimmes running rampant. Every time I went to walk, I was about to crush a child under the wheels of my cart because they were everywhere. You should have seen the looks we were getting. I can't tell you how many times The Renee and I looked at each other and burst out laughing just because we didn't know what else to do. We did try to convince the herd that someone just announced over the loudspeaker that everyone 5 and under has to whisper, but they either had short memories or just didn't care. Whew. Lesson learned. The craft store is too much of a sacred haven to bring children into it.

Other highlights of the day included:
Tumble Time--in 100 degree heat/300% humidity/not enough a/c/too many people

Tumble Time Parking Lot--Assessing damage to LK's car in the 200 degree heat because some fucktard backed into it (and then went in to play, not even noticing her van was now attached to someone's car AND when confronted she was annoyed that she was going to have to wait for the cops. Hobag.)

Chick Fil A--Had to take the Big Kid pee twice, had to beg everyone to eat, not to throw food, etc.

Home--Had hard core fight with the Big Kid because apparently wiping his butt was "stealing his poopy fwiends" and he wanted them back pronto. Also, cleaned up mess when little kid discovered that taking your diaper off, playing with your junk and then peeing all over your room is way more fun than napping and such entertainment is liable to get you out of a nap altogether.

The good news is that I did have fun with The Renee and we are locked and loaded, totally ready to decorate pimp chalices tomorrow. Woooo-hoooo! That's not a sarcastic wooo-hoooo either, I'm truly excited about the idea. I've come a long way....from dancing on tables in VIP rooms on South Beach to gluing rhinestones on cups...yeah.


Deb said...

Just another day in paradise.

Burrus Boys said...

While the craft store is interesting, I'd much rather hear more about the Mexican bartenders, if you please.

Unknown said...

LMAO...and I'd love to tell you...if only I remembered.


This post had me laughing so hard. You crack me up.