Monday, October 22, 2007

Dear Kids,

Big Kid--
-No, I cannot make you a Krabby patty.

-Yes, I do know I just need a bun, an oven, some lettuce, some tomato and a jelly fish. You've mentioned that before...400 times today. These items are currently unavailable and even if we had a pantry full of jellyfish, I would not be making Krabby patties.

-Yes, there is a rule against singing "It's a Small World" over and over and over again. I just made the rule. If you don't cease and desist immediately, you will never go to Disney World again.

-Yes, you should be able to wipe your own butt now. You are 4. You are practically a computer genius. Take some tp, wipe, wipe again, and flush. That should cover it.

-No, you can't go to school today. The Jews have taken the day off and left me all by my lonesome. Trust me, I wish you could go even more than you wish you could go.

-Yes, Quiet Time really is defined as time WITHOUT TALKING. Said time should last more than 20 seconds.

-No, I have no idea why the tv doesn't work correctly. It's a piece of crap, I'm tired of explaining it.

-No, you CAN NOT jump on the couch. We go over this about 65 times a day.

-No, you will not be playing with Play Doh because you make a big mess and I'm tired of cleaning it up.

-Yes, I agree little kid "wooks exhausted" and I am also looking forward to his afternoon nap. No I'm not going to put him to bed every time you command me to (even though I'd like to)

little kid--
-Yes, I really mean it when I tell you to stay out of the fridge 900 times a day. I don't want a fridge lock. I also refuse to have a toilet lock. Just knock it off, k?

-No, you CAN NOT yank my pony tail repeatedly. You are causing me physical pain on top of the mental anguish you put me through daily.

-No, I don't really enjoy kisses that involve tongue. Sorry, just don't.

-No, I don't want to help you up onto the couch so that you can yank my ponytail, jam your fingers into my eyes and attempt to pull down the blinds.

-Yes, when I put you in the high chair, I plan on feeding you very soon. I have never put you in there and left you without food, so I'm not sure why you need to scream before each meal every single day.

-No, I cannot have your food prepared prior to putting you in the highchair because you will squeeze my legs and scream and that makes me nuts.

-No, you cannot grab Heidi Louise by her fat and drag her around the house. I won't blame her if she bites you. I want to bite you too.

-No, it really wasn't cool when you took Mr. Ashley's box of business cards and chucked them into the laundry room. Not cool at all.

-No, you cannot call me MUM. It is weird to be yelled at by a little English imposter all day long. It's Mama or mommy. Mum makes me sound old and prissy.

Please kids, seriously, GIVE ME A FREAKING BREAK. For your own safety and for my health, just chill. Play with some of these toys littering our home. Enjoy each other, that is why I had two of you. Anything, ANYTHING, but harrassing me.

Thank you for your cooperation.

Yours Truly,
Your Crazy Ass Mother

20 comments:

clemsongirlandthecoach said...

since when do you not like kisses with tongue? oh, wait. you meant kisses from kids with tongue. hee hee

Monogram Momma said...

I'd like to ditto a few things on this letter, but in regards to my own kids. At least yours isn't home for a WHOLE WEEK for "fall break!"

Jenn said...

We were coming back from my parents yesterday, and Big A was "starving", and kept making awful noises about how she was starving, going to die, etc.

After reviewing what she'd already eaten that day (so, no, not "starving", a three hour car ride is as good of a time as any to learn literal interpretations) and the fact that there were apples to eat in the car and no cash, she said, "What kind of mom leaves without cash"?

And I thought of you. :)

Sasha said...

If you figure out how to make 2 siblings enjoy each other, let me know. My 2 just torment each other and as I tell everyone I know, 2 is more than twice the work of 1. How in the H is that possible?

The Cowan's said...

I've had a REALLY sucky day/week and this post just made me laugh. Sometimes it's nice when we realize we're not the only ones...
Heather

P.S. I just had to tell my 4 year old girl (i.e. cat) "please do NOT lick me". Ewww..

Catfish said...

God I love you, you crazy ass bitch :) One thing I think could be fun is getting used to the whole Mum thing...it 'classes-you-up' a bit, it's catchy!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

You write what I think.

Dawn said...

It's like you write about my day...from the wiping of the 4 yr old ass to the screaming in the highchair....

---just a lurker that's been around since the whole photowow explosion....love the blog----

Anonymous said...

LMAO!!!!! I love you crazy bitch!!! You say exactly what I feel and want to say to my lovely children 800 times a day!

Deb said...

I'm afraid of two, but I'm delighted to learn I'm not the only one with a highchair screamer.

Cate said...

What were we thinking? I have 4 eeeks, too bad I enjoy sex and forgot birthcontrol...just kidding love all my kiddos and you too.

Somewhere Between Pinot and Pacifiers said...

You are hilarious! I only have one right now and sometimes these are my thoughts EXACTLY!

ElleBee said...

You.Are.Awesome. I really must remember to stop reading your blog with my morning beverage. Or any beverage, for that matter. I'm getting really tired of cleaning my keyboard and monitor every blessed day. :)

Southern Fried Girl said...

OMG, you have a special place in heaven. Seriously.

The_Joyous_Quintet said...

Oh, yes, we have all been there and will be there again and again and again and again...

Keep on writing, and I'll keep comin' back.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

Sounds like you need some Door Bouncers at your house! You could call them Ashley Bouncers and tell Mr. Ashley that the reason you have studly muscular men surrounding you is to protect the children.

Amy said...

Hee Hee. Sounds SO familiar. Like, it happened to me yesterday...

Jodi said...

I get kinda jealous when I read about everyone loving you up so much....
I just need to make sure you know that I think you're really funny too. :o)

Cinnamon said...

I feel like you just described my BK. I have tried explaining to him that he CAN wipe his own butt for a change, just doesn't work. :sigh:

Stacy said...

I think I need to read this letter to my 3 1/2 year old and 1 year old since it all applies. The only addition would be for my baby to stop pulling sisters hair all damn day. Sigh - one day these kids will grow up and we'll miss being annoyed by them 24/7 (or maybe we won't! LOL)