Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Master Cleanse Diet: Day 2

Breakfast: So far, so good. I'm drinking my lemonade right now and I can tell I'm going to be really sick of it soon. The worst part is the caffeine withdrawal. I have some real sleep issues as it is, add waking up a couple times of night to go potty, waking up early with little kid (who also apparently had poop issues over the night), and no caffeine and you've got one tired, crabby Ashley.

Someone commented that they didn't know when they would have 10 free days to do this...which made me realize that Mr. Ashley's birthday is Monday and I really could have planned this whole thing better. I'm doing it with my friend Sherri and we were excited to start, so oh well. We'll see how it goes. That was pretty stupid of me though.

Lunch: I'm hungry again but I think it's mostly because I know I can't have food. I'm still doing great but I did chew up a piece of cantaloupe and spit it out during lunch and I did make out with a ranch covered carrot (no biting, just a little lick). Since I didn't do the saline flush, I had another cup of the tea midmorning and no ill effects from that yet. I will keep you posted.

6:00pm: I pretty much feel like shit. Supposedly, this is the detox phase. I'm tired and I have a headache (probably caffeine withdrawal) and I'm hungry. It didn't help that I made Mr. Ashley and the boys dinner in the crock pot and it smells so freaking good I just want to go outside and sleep so I don't have to smell it. I just tried the saltwater flush again and I just can't do it. I choked down 2 cups and that's just going to have to be enough. My tongue is also a fuzzy gray color, which is supposed to be a sign of toxins leaving (or some such shit, who knows). Sherri left a comment that made it look like she was about to quit and I called her and straightened her out and we are still in this together. Ugh.

6:40pm: Exactly why am I doing this again? I don't know if these extra 15 lbs are worth it. Maybe after this 2 day wake up call I could just trust myself to eat normally and exercise? Yes? No? Maybe so. It could still be considered a jump start. This is just brutal. I just tried to mix another glass of the lemonade and I'm gagging at the smell. Plus, I'm almost positive that pork loin in the crockpot is the best meal I've ever cooked it smells so freaking good. Almost 2 days without even a bite of food, that's just nuts. I don't know, I've got a call into Sherri in the hopes she can tell me something to make me feel better (like "let's quit!")

7:34pm: Yep. Best pork loin I've ever made. Best cantaloupe I have ever had too. And this vitamin water, it's freaking delicious.

Upon more research I learned that the average woman (and we all know I'm more than average, but still) loses 12 lbs from the diet and gains 6 back. So 6 pounds? Screw that. I lost 5 lbs from just quitting Coke and walking. And the whole detox thing? Screw that too. I'll just get on some anti-anxiety meds or some uppers or something.

Keep on keepin' on, my sweet Sherri. I'm just going to try to convince everyone that muffin tops are the new 6 pack. Do you hear that everyone? Muffin tops are hot. Wash board abs are not. Make a note of it.

18 comments:

Kate said...

What a freakin visual....Hot mom making lunch for her kids making porn with a carrot.....thanks for the Coke on my screen now!

Buttercup said...

I am starting to play mind games with myself...there is no way they really mean NO FOOD. There has to be some kind of food I can eat. Something...

Being "slightly" neurotic I am starting to obsess about not eating. It's not hunger yet it is obsession. I saw a video about the sea (k)natt and her young eat her from the inside until they burst through her husk of a body...yeah that kind of obessessing. I am sure I have blubber to survive on but someone just asked me why I was willing to cause harm to my gums? wtf? The lady said your gums need you to chew...I said I think they can manage with a few days vacation and she shrugged her shoulders in that way that lets you know "If you want to be an idiot I can't stop you!"

I've never thought of myself as a strong person with self control. I'm not talking bad about myself I have lots of evidence to back up this thought. This evidence is now playing non-stop in my head. How did I think I could do this?

To be honest I can no longer voice my "reason" for doing this. I'm wondering if I ever had one.

le sigh

Sherri

Traci said...

Once again...
Good luck with that.

I get pissed off when I have to fast after midnight for a blood test in the morning. Tell me I can't eat and I will immediately become famished and start shaking from 'low-blood-sugar' until I get me some carbs.

Traci said...

Case in point..Instantly I became hungry even talking about not eating....
While I was typing this, Trevor came over to me and put what I thought was a cheerio in my mouth.
Too bad it wasn't a cheerio.. and I don't know that I want to know what it was. Last time I checked, cheerios don't taste like ass and aren't squishy..

Blah.

Kerry said...

If it helps with your decision to keep going... my father in law lost about 20 pounds doing this diet - that's the good part. The bad part is once he started eating again he gained it all back. So if it's weight loss that is motivating you - you will lose the weight but gaining it back is pretty much certain. Having said all of this good luck! He said it made him feel GREAT getting all the toxins out of his body!

Deb said...

I'm glad to know you've regained your sanity. Sherri, your turn!

Misty said...

YOu lasted longer than I could. lol

Muffin tops are so much bettar than wash board abs. lol

Jennifer said...

I know you're a "coke addict." If by that you mean regular coke, I used to be too (well, I type that as I'm sitting here drinking one). But, MOSTLY what I have now is diet pepsi. I generally despise diet drinks, but I had to lose a few pounds and that was the easiest choice. They're really not so bad at all!

Renee said...

You fought the good fight. And I'll bet you did some good cleansing in these 2 days. You know that all the people who did this diet had teams of people helping them make it through 24/7. You need a diet doula. :) I think I could do this if I had a team of people to take care of my kids, feed my family, mix up all of my drinks and hand them to me when it was time to take them, reassure me that I'm not going to die, and knock the fork out of my hand every time I tried to sneak a bite.

Sasha said...

So glad you came to your senses! No way I could do it- I did the 48 hour Hollywood Diet a few times and about died. And that stuff didn't taste all that bad and it did not involve peeing out my ass. I'm telling you- I'm a walking advertisement for Lexapro- since I started taking it 6 weeks ago, life is grand again!

Anonymous said...

New reader here - LOVE your blog! At first I found you to be a bit offensive but in a completely hilarous way. I told myself to get over it because I can use a few good laughs (which you always provide) and frankly sometimes I just need to lighten up.

Skip the detox and go with the Sonoma Diet if you really want to lose weight but also want to still eat. I swear by this diet and the new eating pattern that it helps to establish. I had to add in a few extra calories per day because I am pretty active. It wasn't terribly painful and I haven't gained a single pound back. I just squeezed myself into a size 25 pair of COH jeans today!

Whatever you do keep on writing - you are so, so funny!

Lisa

Judy said...

Well, there you go. If you can't do it, I KNOW I can't even begin to do it! Glad we got that squared away - off to grab a bowl of triple fudge brownie ice cream.

Kate said...

I say screw the muffin tops and just go for the full coffee cake stuffed into your jeans....its truly the "hot" new look (or so I keep telling myself)

Rebecca said...

Whew! So glad you come to your senses! I've heard of some crazy diets...but I googled that crap last night and it sounds like the nastiest thing ever! Ew.

Sasha - I started Lexapro about the same time that you did. It's a freaking miracle drug! I love it!

Tina said...

Yea, don't think 6 pounds is worth anything like what you went through the past 2 days.

I'm just going to try to convince everyone that muffin tops are the new 6 pack.

LOVE IT!!!!

Trenches of Mommyhood said...

If muffin tops are the new 6 pack, I am SO in style! Yay me!

That diet sounded interesting. I almost (almost being the key word) was gonna try it...

Metalmeredith said...

I don;t even visit that often but did today to see how you were holding up. I about busted a gut laughing when I read that.
Thanks, what a way to end my day.

A Girl, A Boy, and Me said...

I like it...Muffin tops are the new six pack....I'm now freakin HOT.

Thank you for the laughter and thank God I didn't try the Master Cleanse thing.