Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Dear Dina Lohan,

I just wanted to take a moment to sincerely thank you for making me feel like a better mom. When the big kid wants to watch an extra hour of television or the little kid insists on getting into bed with me, I feel guilty for a minute but then I think, "Well, chances are they won't be snorting coke, addicted to everything, total ho-bags and flashing their crotches in front of the entire planet before they even turn 21."

I hear you have some other kids that you haven't fucked up too badly yet and that you're planning on having a reality show that exhibits your pathetic and desperate attempts at making them (read: yourself) famous. That's great. Your precious Linds has a lot in common with reality television. They are both: devoid of talent, unbelievable, unintelligent, slutty, scandalous, pathetic and I'm ashamed to watch while not being able to get enough at the same time.

So thanks again for whoring out your children in order to further your own sad desire to be famous. I hope the fame that comes with being a piss poor role model for a mother is everything you are looking for and I appreciate you and your family amusing me in the meantime!

Sincerely,
Ashley

P.S. That ex-husband of yours is a real gem! You are clearly an excellent judge of character!

4 comments:

Traci said...

Yeah but.. all that aside.. she's not a very good Mom.
You should mention that in your letter.

Deb said...

All that said, I wish I was as hot as Dina Lohan. I guess you can't have everything. Unless you're you, Ashley. You are the exception to every rule.

Ashley said...

Traci, I would never judge another woman's parenting. I just take delight in knowing that there is an excellent chance that my kids will be better than hers. Everything is a competition with me and I always have to win.

Deb, you have really gotten with the program. I am going to have "I am the exception to every rule" engraved on my tiara. Also, you are way hotter than Dirty Dina. You are smart & funny and as I so clearly demonstrate, smart & funny=hot. You'll do a way better job managing your kid's child star career. Not as good as me, but still way better than the Dinasaur.

Jill said...

Or we can always hope at any rate! It's great she's set the bar so low for the semi-normal moms, isn't it?!?!? :-) :-) :-)